Thank you card for a Shabbos / Yom Tov meal?

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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Jstar

Sat, Mar 21 2009, 9:41 pm

Just wondering if that would be too much, or greatly appreciated? I have only seen this done once, and it was in LA, maybe it's just an LA thing? Thoughts?

SomebodyElse

Sat, Mar 21 2009, 10:03 pm

I usually send one when strangers take me/us in and they're not kiruv people that I can just give a donation to. In those cases, I think they're greatly appreciated -- to the point that a recipient once came up to me at a crowded event, many months later, to mention how nice it was -- I wouldn't have even noticed/recognized her in the crowd, but she remembered me, just because I'd sent the card. So it's probably an uncommon thing to do, but not "too much".

Our neighbor has also sent me thank you notes when we've had them over. In that case, I think it's totally not necessary, but still a nice gesture and appreciated.

louche

Sun, Mar 22 2009, 12:52 am

It would be a lovely thing to do, especially if you didn't bring a gift. When I was younger, I used to send a thank-you to anyone who hosted me for anything, a meal or a shabbos, in addition to bringing a gift. The thank-you note --officially called a bread-and-butter note for a meal or a sleepover--is a somewhat lost art. It would be very nice if someone like you revived it.

Sending someone a case of wine to thank them for hosting you would be too much. A thank you note? Not.

BZBEE

Sun, Mar 22 2009, 1:10 am

I always send a card along with either a box of chocolates, wine or flowers.

Blair

Sun, Mar 22 2009, 1:20 am

It's a lost art which is really a shame. I try to always send thank you cards for presents received and always bring something when going for Shabbos.

greenfire

Sun, Mar 22 2009, 1:45 am

it sounds loverly ... yet exhausting and overdone - unless it was a very special moment ...

louche

Sun, Mar 22 2009, 2:53 am

greenfire wrote:

it sounds loverly ... yet exhausting and overdone - unless it was a very special moment ...

exhausting and overdone to sit down for 3 minutes and write "Dear Mrs. Eysheschayil, Thank you so much for hosting me for lunch this shabbat. the zemiros were great and your kugel fantastic! I had a marvelous time. very truly yours, Shaindy Shabbosguest"???

a whole lot less exhausting and overdone than HAVING a guest!

greenfire

Sun, Mar 22 2009, 2:59 am

sorry - if you want a thank you card - don't invite me ... I'm NOT into formalities - do something because you want to ... not for the praise ...

to me a "thank you" verbally should be sufficient ...

entropy

Sun, Mar 22 2009, 3:05 am

louche wrote:

greenfire wrote:

it sounds loverly ... yet exhausting and overdone - unless it was a very special moment ...

You forgot finding a stamp and going out to a mailbox.

I feel awkward when I receive these, even in emails (unless the email covers other issues, and the thank you is just smalltalk in addition) Makes me feel like the ball is in my court, like I have to keep track of this event and remembr to acknowledge this card if I see the person at some "crowded event" "months later".

louche

Sun, Mar 22 2009, 4:05 am

You do not have to acknowledge a thank-you note. Ask any etiquette writer like Emily Post or Judith Martin.

And it seems to me that if you can take the trouble to invite, serve, and entertain someone, they can take the trouble to find a stamp and mail a note. They pay bills and give tzedaka, don't they?

an email thank-you is a whole lot better than no thank-you at all, but I'd still go with snail mail for people above a certain age. there's a certain respect implied in snail mail that doesn't come through in email.

entropy

Sun, Mar 22 2009, 4:21 am

Of course I don't have to respond, that's not the point. Nor did the guest have to send me a note, for that matter, but they did, and now I'll have to remember it (for example) in case they ever invite me back. And the existence of people like Emily post is the reason why I hate all these phony social chores. I would never ask her anything.

All I'm saying, is that there is at least one host (me) who loves to be thanked at the end of the meal as the guests are leaving, but hates getting cards that the guest went into trouble for and that add nothing but clutter to my home and my mind.

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Mar 22 2009, 4:44 am

I have neve written one and I have never received one.

Raisin

Sun, Mar 22 2009, 5:56 am

louche wrote:

actually I have no problem entertaining people in my home...but I have a really hard time writing thank you cards. I guess 50 years ago when people routinely posted things daily it wasn't a big deal, but really we hardly mail stuff now. email, texts, even our bills get paid online or on the phone.

I would also appreciate a heartfelt phone call, email or text over a card. unless it is an older person who doesn't use modern technolgy.

greenfire

Sun, Mar 22 2009, 11:05 am

thank yous are a formality ... having guests is either easy or not easy - you want them or don't ... nobody does it for thank you ... I know I wouldn't

Fox

Sun, Mar 22 2009, 11:28 am

I see both sides of the issues. On one hand, thank you notes are a lovely custom that truly has fallen by the wayside -- and our society is not better off for the loss! On the other hand, they had become etiquette blugeons, with people constantly analyzing whether the card came promptly enough, was well-written enough, etc. And that kind of behavior didn't improve anyone's quality of life or middos!

Back when DH and I were newly married and often spent an entire Shabbos/Yom Tov with a family, I usually did write a note to thank them. However, no one in our community writes notes for a single meal, and I've fallen into that pattern on the rare occasion when we eat out. Doing something "more" than the rest of the kehilla would be a bit ostentatious.

However, a compromise seems appropriate. Even if the beautifully composed notes written in fountain pen on elegant stationery are generally not sent to thank a hostess for a meal, I think it's nice to send a quick email. I do receive these from time to time, and it's always fun to get something that is not work-related and bears a happy message. A single line is adequate: "Dear Fox, Just wanted to let you know what a wonderful time my DH and I had with you this past Shabbos. Have a great week!" Not too time-consuming for the sender, but something to brighten the day of the host/hostess. I do realize that not everyone uses email, so I don't think it should become an obligation -- just a way to let your hosts know you're thinking of them.

Mrs Bissli

Mon, Mar 23 2009, 4:53 pm

I am always impressed by someone who sends thank you cards on a timely manner. Really, how hard is it to jot down a few sentences--basically to say thank you, and that you enjoyed it. It doesn't have to be a fancy card. Anyone should have a stock of blank cards IMHO. I think it is a sign of proper grooming. Though my emphasis is more on "a timely manner" bit. If it is a choice between a quick phone call motzei shabbat or Sunday morning, or a thank you card few weeks later, I would prefer the former.

Most people we host do bring gifts beforehand (no eruv here), so in that case I really don't expect acknowledgement. Just either a phone call or an acknowledgement the next shabbat. We occasionally get flowers the week after we hosted--esp if it was a last minute invite. There are a few close friends where we have implicit understanding of we don't bring gifts, they don't bring gifts.

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