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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Guests
amother
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Fri, Apr 10 2009, 2:10 am
What would you do if one guest at your shabbos/yom tov meal was making snide remarks very obviously directed at another guest at your table?
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merelyme
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Fri, Apr 10 2009, 2:21 am
Hoo boy. The question is how to stop it. Is the speaker an older family member you owe respect?
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HindaRochel
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Fri, Apr 10 2009, 2:23 am
Change the topic.
Compliment the guest being insulted.
Try and change the insult to a compliment. ("That's nothing like Karen's attempt at making matzah balls. They could bounce! ""That's Karen's creativitty. Karen is the type fo person who doesn't let mistakes slow her down. Thank goodness for that; have you ever eaten her plum chicken? I would never have you ever had her plum chicken? I'm still not sure all that she added to it, but that was one of the best chickens I've ever eaten.
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amother
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Fri, Apr 10 2009, 2:25 am
merelyme wrote: | Hoo boy. The question is how to stop it. Is the speaker an older family member you owe respect? | Yes. As was the other guest who the snide remarks were directed at.
I said firmly "I am not willing to continue this line of conversation. If you are unwilling to stop, you can leave the table." But then I felt guilty, because I was speaking like how a mother speaks to her 4 year old child, and I didnt feel it was appropriate. But I was at a big loss what to do.
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amother
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Fri, Apr 10 2009, 2:27 am
HindaRochel wrote: | Change the topic.
Compliment the guest being insulted.
Try and change the insult to a compliment. ("That's nothing like Karen's attempt at making matzah balls. They could bounce! ""That's Karen's creativitty. Karen is the type fo person who doesn't let mistakes slow her down. Thank goodness for that; have you ever eaten her plum chicken? I would never have you ever had her plum chicken? I'm still not sure all that she added to it, but that was one of the best chickens I've ever eaten. | Well, this person never said "Karen does so and so." This person (A) said "I would never do something as stupid and moronic as [what person B is doing]" and everyone knew that person B was doing that.
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merelyme
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Fri, Apr 10 2009, 2:27 am
Unfortunately it sounds like their behavior made it appropriate. Did it work?
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HindaRochel
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Fri, Apr 10 2009, 2:31 am
amother wrote: | HindaRochel wrote: | Change the topic.
Compliment the guest being insulted.
Try and change the insult to a compliment. ("That's nothing like Karen's attempt at making matzah balls. They could bounce! ""That's Karen's creativitty. Karen is the type fo person who doesn't let mistakes slow her down. Thank goodness for that; have you ever eaten her plum chicken? I would never have you ever had her plum chicken? I'm still not sure all that she added to it, but that was one of the best chickens I've ever eaten. | Well, this person never said "Karen does so and so." This person (A) said "I would never do something as stupid and moronic as [what person B is doing]" and everyone knew that person B was doing that. |
You could still change it, but yes, a sharp rebuke was deserved. That is an obnoxious comment.
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amother
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Fri, Apr 10 2009, 2:32 am
I'm not sure what you're saying, merelyme.
Basically, what the person B was doing (not at the meal, but in general with life) wasnt the best choice, but there was more to the picture than everyone knows, and no one has any right to judge someone else with how they're living their life. Al tadin es chavercha ad shetagia limkomo. It was really not right that person A was making snide remarks about how stupid and idiotic how person B is living his life. Does that make any sense?
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amother
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Fri, Apr 10 2009, 2:35 am
merelyme wrote: | Unfortunately it sounds like their behavior made it appropriate. Did it work? | oh! I get it. person a's remark made what I said appropriate? did it work? well the person glared at me then changed topics b'h.
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merelyme
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Fri, Apr 10 2009, 2:47 am
amother wrote: | merelyme wrote: | Unfortunately it sounds like their behavior made it appropriate. Did it work? | oh! I get it. person a's remark made what I said appropriate? did it work? well the person glared at me then changed topics b'h. |
Sounds like you made the right choice then.
I'd be as nice as I could to person a (and b, of course) but wouldn't bring it up again.
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louche
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Sun, Apr 12 2009, 10:18 pm
IMO, when an adult behaves like a 4-yr-old, she deserves to be spoken to like a 4-year old. also, as the hostess, you, like the captain of a ship, are responsible for the welfare of all under your roof, so you MUST step in to protect a guest who is being insulted by another if she can't or won't defend herself. You absolutely did the right thing.
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greenfire
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Sun, Apr 12 2009, 10:38 pm
I was gonna suggest sending them to the corner ...
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greenfire
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Sun, Apr 12 2009, 10:41 pm
amother wrote: |
I said firmly "I am not willing to continue this line of conversation. If you are unwilling to stop, you can leave the table." |
actually sounds like you did the right thing - said straight to the point this type of talk is not tolerated at your table ...
so how was the chicken MOO
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tomorrow
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Mon, Apr 27 2009, 1:15 pm
I'd apologize afterward to the offended party. If you have children around, it'd be a great time to ask them what they learned in school or to sing a song they like.
We have learned that there are certain people who, when we have them over, we do our best to avoid having others over at the same time, due to a great need of these people to put others and their decisions down.
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