accepting money.. | Imamother

amother

Thu, Jun 25 2009, 10:11 pm

I dont know if this is the right place for this topic but here it goes.

I have been helping this lady out a lot with the way she dresses and looks because she doesnt have the means to do it, doesnt know how to take care of herself, but really needs it and wants it.
between 12 ladies we collected money to get her a new wig and some clothing.
she was SOO appreciative to the point that she and her children cried out of happiness with her new look.
we live in a very rich community and she always felt like an outsider! but now every time she goes to a simcha, she feels confident about herself and her self esteem.

well months passed since she washed her wig and I told her that ill do it for her.. (for free). I LOVE helping her out for the mitzvah of chesed alone! I was always into doing chesed but with my baby its hard to do. so she became not only my very very close friend (really!) but my way of doing chesed.

I have always hated when people thanked me for anything I did, I dont knwo why but I feel very unconfortable. but with this specific case, its because I was the one close to her, I was the one who gave her the wig and the clothing. she thinks its all me, meanwhile I didnt even put 30% of the total cost! I hate getting credit for something I didnt do! I could have never pulled it off alone.

now I finished her wig, she comes to pivck it up and gives me $20. of course I refused to take it, but she left it on my mailbox and drove off to the mountains. she said buy something for the baby.
I really dont want to use it because im affraid it will take away from the mitzvah I wanted to do.
what do you think? should I just save it for tzedaka for the next person we help out? use it because thats what she gave it to me to do? help her do an hakarat hatov by not returning it?

Seraph

Fri, Jun 26 2009, 12:52 am

Tova wrote:

Truthfully I think she wants you to accept it and use it. The next time you see her, I would say "Thanks so much for your gift - I used it to get the baby a ________________" or something along those lines.

Sometimes you're doing a mitzva by letting the woman pay you something- so she doesnt feel like such a nebach case.
I know when I had a volunteer doula bec I couldnt afford a paid one, if she would have refused the token gift I got her, it would have hurt, because then I would have felt even more like a chessed case.

Does what I'm saying make any sense?
People have an achrayus to show hakaras hatov and if you let her show you hakaras hatov that way, she'll probably feel more like a human...

Besiyata Dishmaya

Fri, Jun 26 2009, 9:17 am

If you do a chessed for someone, whether helping them financially or hosting them, you obviously want them to feel good. But you have to understand that if a person is on the receiving end, they can feel horrible. The only way to give someone a sense of self-worth, is by allowing them to reciprocate and give you something in return. Instead of refusing, by accepting it with a smile and telling her that you'll get this and this, she'd feel like a million dollars. What a chessed!
We also feel very uncomfortable when guest bring us gifts. We accept it because we want to make them feel good and comfortable in our home.

louche

Fri, Jun 26 2009, 2:16 pm

Seraph wrote:

Tova wrote:

Yes, it does make sense. It's a little counterintuitive to take $ from someone who's so poor, but then someone explained it to me. Even a poor person, or maybe especially a poor person, likes to feel that she's paying her own way or can make the generous gesture. It's very important to her self-respect. As Seraph says, if you refuse, you underscore the fact that she's a chessed case. That's the logic behind some of the clothing gemachs that are like stores that charge very little. Because the clients are actually buying the clothes, even if for ridiculous prices like 50 cents for a dress, they can hold their heads up. They're not charity cases.

Sometimes you're giving more by taking a little.

Fox

Fri, Jun 26 2009, 3:13 pm

amother wrote:

Hi its the op
You guys have a VERY valid point that I didn't think about. She will feel like a million dllars if I use it.

But as I was telling the story over to my husband I rememeberd that I said fine ill put it in tzedakah.. And then she replyed buy something for the baby, but I walked away saying that ill just save it for the next person we help out w wig and clothes.
Now the halachic issue is , do I have to save it for tzedaka or use it for my son?

Actually, the mitzvah of tzedaka is incumbent on everyone -- even the poorest person. By using the $20 to help someone else, you are "doubling" its value: not only does your friend feel better for having paid, but her money is going to help someone in a similar position.

I remember a thread a few months ago about "givers" versus "takers"; most of us like to think of ourselves as "givers." Sometimes circumstances force us to be "takers." Your friend is showing signs of good psychological health by wanting to transition to a role as a "giver."

It sounds like you and your friends did a fantastic job helping this woman -- in fact, I should probably hire you to do a makeover on me! Maybe start a pushka for other women who need similar help and let your friend contribute in various ways, not necessarily financial. Yasher koach to you! Helping someone feel like she fits in and has friends within a community is (IMHO -- not necessarily halachically) sometimes even more important than food and shelter!

amother

Fri, Jun 26 2009, 4:58 pm

Fox wrote:

amother wrote:

hi its op again
after the previews posters I was ready to get my son his new toy for his bday with this money, but reading what fox wrote makes more sense.
maybe what ill do is tell her like this " I hope you liked the way the wig came out, thanks so much for the money, you really didn't have to, I bought my son a b-day gift" is that lying? I'm just saying facts and she doesnt knwo that im really using the money for our next girl! she will think that I got my son a gift w it (which I am) and its a win win situation.
what do you think?

about helping other people, we are actually starting something bH. the way we gave her these gifts without embarrassing her was as if she won a Lady's Package from this new organization that someone put her name in. she kinda fell for it but since I went shopping with her and took her to the wig lady, she does think I had something to do with it. thats why I feel unconfortable because I was the only one that she saw getting this together. but those 12 lady's moved heaven and earth for her too.
I guess she did want to be the "giver" and I should have just let her.. I hope she didnt get offended when I told her ill put it in tzedaka.

Fri, Jun 26 2009, 5:15 pm

Instead of saying your buying a gift for you son or implying that you did, can you tell her that hers is the first official donation to the 'foundation' you are setting up for helping others. With that $20 you can buy some blank tzedaka boxes and decorate them and together you can give them to your group of friends to start saving for the future projects. That way when there is another need, the money is already collected and it wont seem that your collecting for a specific 'nebach' case (which can make the person recieving feel bad) but rather you are just using the money that has been already dedicated. That way not only is she paying you, but she feels she too can donate. I know sometimes when I have given money (especially to strangers) I have used the line 'pay it forward'- well this is the start for her to pay it forward.

Besiyata Dishmaya

Sat, Jun 27 2009, 4:37 pm

JC wrote:

Good idea which will also solve OP's problem of using this money for tzedakah as she had said to the woman.