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Forum -> Children's Health

Unhappy husbands

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amother

Tue, Oct 06 2009, 9:25 am

My husband of over 15 years says he is unhappy with our relationship. He says Im always tired which I am...and dont have enoughtime for him. I have 9 kids 2 grandkids and work full time. I do all the shopping cooking cleaning and organizing the kids schedules. I have 3 boys away at yeshiva but everone else is home and Im very tired and stressed. I worry about all the money issues. When things get stressful with bills it is always my fault. On my husbands behalf he works really hard. He leaves early for the early minyan goes straight to work and comes home after mariv. He does whatevr I ask him to do but he usually comes home so late that IM to tired to ask. I try to be the good wife. When he comes home I always have dinner waiting for him.. Nobody has dinner waiting for me. I get home and start the running around to the different stores or carpools or babysitter for the little one. I feel the only time I get to myself is when I go tho the bathroom or the shower because there is where I can lock the door. even then there is a kid banging on the door for me. My husband dosent realie when I finally lay my head down on the pillow I ant to sleep...im so tired so stressed and the next day will come before I know it. I get up early to try and prepare dinner so when the first of the kids comehome from school there is something to eat. I am a big fan of crock pots..any advice???

BeershevaBubby

Tue, Oct 06 2009, 9:50 am

Nowhere in your post do you say that you've ever actually asked any of your K"AH 9 children for help. And you write that you usually don't ask your husband because he works hard and comes home late.

I think it's past time to get your kids involved.

There's no reason you should do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning and organizing. Here's another 'ING' you should try... DELEGATING.

Unfortunately many of us get into this rut of being the homekeeper and we shoulder EVERYTHING, even when we don't have to. High time for a family meeting, my dear.

imasinger

Tue, Oct 06 2009, 10:06 am

Wise advice from Yeshasettler. One minor suggested change -- maybe start by talking just to him, first. You may want to start by writing down your schedule for a few days, and give it to him to read, and ask for his input as to where and how you and he could carve out some space together. Then, see what more your kids can take on.

amother

Tue, Oct 06 2009, 11:57 am

my husband told me that I should find time to take a nap so Im not tired...when should I do this.? He said that if I cared about us I would find time. What do I do my kids are pullling me for time and now my hubbyit seems that the older we have gotten the more attention he wants and Im kind just gettimg more tires.

ShakleeMom

Tue, Oct 06 2009, 11:58 am

I would want to ask him what specifically he has mind for his 'happiness". You never know, maybe he would be happy if you don't iron his shirts, but wear a sheitel to dinner?!? Men are weird, but you must ask to know. Never assume that he will be happy just because you shop for groceries, make dinner, and pay the bills. it might not be what this man specifically has in mind.

amother

Tue, Oct 06 2009, 12:11 pm

he wants more intimate time..and to be honest Im so very tired. Not that I dont love him I do Im just tired..no there is othing wrong with me I just work really hard and Im tired and IM getting older.

ShakleeMom

Tue, Oct 06 2009, 12:36 pm

Ok, I'm understanding this a bit more. Okay, he is entitled to want. Does he understand the trade-off? This equals that? On those nights, no supper made by lover aka wife? There's got to be a middle ground and I'm sure he is willing to trade something in exchange.

PIP

Tue, Oct 06 2009, 6:54 pm

YESHASettler wrote:

Tell your oldest to take over while you take a nap... I do that and my oldest is six!

amother

Tue, Oct 06 2009, 8:00 pm

I understand your situation and sympathize with you that it really is hard.
However, you have to realize: for a man, the most important think to him is that his wife shows that she
cares for him and is intimate with him as much as possible. Its not easy but sometimes we just have to force ourselves. If he expects every single night, thats one thing, but every few nights, for a man its a real need. And goes such a long way in making a great marriage.
He is a mentsch in that he is telling you in hope you will do something about it and not looking elsewhere.

That being said, you are exhausted and there is a limit to how many directions you can stretch yourself.
So try and figure out which other areas you can cut back on.
You didn't mention any cleaning help? If you don't have any, would it posible to arrange it? (even if you have to cut back on other expenses)
Also, remember you don't have to be a perfect balabuste. So one night you go to sleep with the supper dishes not washed and spend time with your DH instead, I'm sure he won't mind.
Good luck!

amother

Tue, Oct 06 2009, 8:16 pm

thanks...I really appreciate your response...u are right a man has one thing on his mind...and sometimes well honestly alot of the time that is the last thing on my list...so I will try some sugestions and see if the dishes bite me in the am or if anyone notices if I lay down for 30 min.after work..Ill keep u posted...

amother

Tue, Oct 06 2009, 9:31 pm

I'm the amother who wrote the last reply.
I just wanted to add that you shouldn't feel its just you.
Its normal and many many women feel that way.
Trust me many times I really rather go straight to sleep but push myself and the truth is afterwards
I feel good that I did because I also enjoyed. (btw its a good stress reducer 4 both of u.)

ValleyMom

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 2:58 am

Listen up my friend... Everyone needs some down time...
There is NO way you can be productive and happy if you are wiped out. It would be beneficial to the ENTIRE family if you went in your room and closed the door for 15 - 30 minutes for some quiet time to rejuvenate. Nap, lay down, close your eyes, take a bath---whatever you need to do to get through the next part of your evening. Tell your kids NOT TO BOTHER you unless it involve:
blood
vomit
fire
That's it.
You NEED to take some time for yourself so you can be available to your husband and kids.
And listen up:
NOT very dinner needs to be gourmet.
Macaroni and cheese with a side of steamed grean beans will NOT kills anyone.
Children will not fall apart if one night is frozen chicken nuggets and a salad.
I am also a firm believer of every women taking some time for themselves... Go out for a coffee with a good book or a puzzle book..
Good Luck!!!'

ValleyMom

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 2:58 am

sorry for the unnatractive typose

Rivkyel

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 10:25 am

As noted above, you can't do everything. In addition to the previous comments, could you hire a cleaning lady for 2 hours a week to fold laundry? This will save you lots of time and is well worth the money spent.

amother

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 10:36 am

make time for him. thank him for being honest with you and tell him how much he means to you. every day try hard and focus on at least one thing that makes him feel really special. (like calling him at work to tell him you are thinking of him) when he comes home from work spend twenty minutes just focused on him before complaining (which of course thats ok when we had a hard day just not right away_ and before talking about what bothers you.

at least once a month go out together and get a babysitter. we do it once a week and its the best thing but once a month is still something.

at the end of it all, sholom bayis is eveyrthing.

goodluck, I know its so hard!

amother

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 12:22 pm

ValleyMom wrote:

I agree. I have ka"h 7 kids - all still home. The oldest is 17 and gone for most of the day. The older boys are in Yeshiva in our town, but also gone for long hours. But when I need it, they know they need to either give me the help, or leave me alone for some rest. I also work full time, but I have a somewhat flexible schedule so I can sometimes come home before the youngest has to be picked up. They help with simple cooking, even as young as twelve. They do their own laundry and some other chores.

I don't pile on the work, since their main job is going to school, but they know that everyone in the family is invested in taking care of the home.

I would also add that you might want to set aside a time to talk calmly with you husband about what you both can do to make things easier for you. He might have to agree to take on some of the work from you on an ongoing basis. My husband does all my shopping, unless I really need something or his schedule changes. If you set up what his "jobs" will be in advance, you don't have to worry about being too tired to ask for help.

Maybe one night per week he needs to figure out something else for Ma'ariv - an earlier or later minyan. No law says he has to daven Mincha/Ma'ariv. If he can find a mid-day Mincha and a late night Ma'ariv, he might be able to help more.

The important thing is to communicate and work as a team to create a situation that works for both of you.

amother

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 6:49 pm

I really appreciate all the advice..Im just so very tires. I sometimes want to ditch workand comehome when everyone is at school and work and lay down and go to sleep...I dont know pretend I dont work and do all my arrands during the day..just forget about everyone and everything..Im just played. I wish my hubby would understand that that is the last thing in my mind...like Im not a newlywed and Im tired....as a side note my kids do do alot..they help out and try but they have homework ect....

amother

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 7:28 pm

is it a possibility for you to cut down your hours a little?
I realize you have a big family and probably need the money but maybe a couple hours a week,
it could make a big difference...

NotInNJMommy

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 7:32 pm

Do you have any PTO? Take a sick day. Mamash. You are exhausted. I'm sure the nose is a little sniffly...just do it. And sleep all day, take a nice shower, and eat something you like, and sleep some more.

You'll probably be more productive at work with a little rest.

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