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"Mommy, her lips are hanging off"



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curlytop




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 09 2009, 9:23 pm
So we are in Target today with my kids, and as soon as I get to the checkout, my 3 1-2 year old says about the "african american" checkout lady- Mommy her lips are hanging off... she did have very pronounced lips. He repeated it a few times. I told him that she is wearing lipstick, isn't it pretty, Mommy wears lipstick sometimes... but I am wondering if I should talk to him about it. I dont think he really would understand what is accepted to say and what not, but it was reallllly bad...She didn't say anything but I am sure she was hurt Crying
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Ima2NYM_LTR




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 09 2009, 9:37 pm
if it happens again, just say "we only say nice things about other people. please say you are sorry". Now I know he didnt say it to insult, but it will reinforce to him that certain things are acceptable and unacceptable to say, as well as let the other person know that you dont allow for that type of talk. Also, apologetic shrugs can take you a long way.
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Ima2NYM_LTR




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 09 2009, 9:47 pm
oh and I forgot to add...dont feel bad about the situation. it happens and it is in no way a reflection of your parenting
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anonymom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 09 2009, 10:19 pm
My 3 yo son asked out loud in front of a male cashier, "Why does he have long hair if he's a boy?"

About teaching them "we only say nice things" the thing is, they did not say anything not nice. They only stated an observation.

Maybe we need to teach them to say it quietly. or not talk about people at all.
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louche




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 09 2009, 10:50 pm
anonymom wrote:


Maybe we need to teach them to ... not talk about people at all.


Got it in one. Time was when children were taught that ANY personal remark was rude, even if intended as a compliment or neutral observation. Maybe it's time we went back to the old-fashioned ways.
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curlytop




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 09 2009, 10:55 pm
Thanks everyone for your responses.
I thought of telling him we don't talk about people, but we do.. we talk about his Morah and his grandparents and friends... etc.. I don't think he would get it.
Maybe I should just tell him we don't talk about people in front of them?!
I still feel like he wouldn't quite get it.
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happymom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 09 2009, 11:00 pm
we only say nice things about other people. please say you are sorry"


that will not get him to understand. kids are honest and say the truth. he will have no idea that its not nice because its the truth. what I tell my kids is yes, you are right, but when we talk about people in front of them it can hurt thier feelings... this teaches them that even though something may be true, we dont say it loud when the person can hear.
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ClaRivka




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 09 2009, 11:21 pm
when my brother was little he saw a big obese black man and said "look mommy, it's Fat Albert!"
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mimismile




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 10 2009, 7:14 am
ClaRivka wrote:
when my brother was little he saw a big obese black man and said "look mommy, it's Fat Albert!"

Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter
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Inspired




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 10 2009, 7:26 am
I teach my children that we do not comment on people's physical appearance in front of them because generally it hurts people to have their differences pointed out. At the same time I let them know that if they are confused about someone's appearance they can always bring it up with me in public.
For "first time offenses" I agree with the poster who said the kid didn't say anything bad so "that isn't nice" is false. He was just commenting on his perception of a type of lips he had never seen before. In that case as with others I would say "yes, the lady's lips are different than yours or mine, Hashem makes all people look a little different so we can recognize different people" or something of the sort. I have had each child of mine make such comments at least once, and I explain similarly each time and I have never had anyone look upset at me. I have family members who walk with crutches and are wheelchair bound. They would much rather a question like "WHY DOES HE WALK FUNNY MOMMY?" be answered as I suggested, than have it ignored to be asked again and again or shushed up as if its a taboo subject, those icky people who don't look/ walk like us.

Point out something physically different about him than yourself- hair, eye, color, freckles, handedness and ask him to think about how it would feel if someone pointed that out without even saying hello to him. play act some similar scenraio so he understands why we don't talk about people's physical traits in front of them.
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Aribenj




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 10 2009, 12:48 pm
My daughter asked me why the waiter had an earring if he was a boy...

I never know what to say in these instances. But I told her it's not nice to talk about other people because it can embarrass them.
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levial




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 10 2009, 1:03 pm
I also say "hashem made him/her that way" and recently my little peanut was teased by a taller child for being a "baby, you're so short" (she's short, she's the youngest in the class with a July bday and still sucks her thumb when stressed).

I taught her to say "Sarah , Hashem made me this way, you shouldn't make fun of Hashem"
but "Sarah" (not her real name) still persists so DD told me she rebutted it's not "v'ahava v reya kmocha" - so now we use that too. (On a side note a girl with older sister said "It's ok, (to my DD) you'll have no problem with a shidduch. You can date the short guys like (and she named a boy in the class!)"

I tell her after an incident "Well, just because He made that man very fat, the man might be sad when you say it out loud- he knows he looks the way he does. Just like when Sarah says your a baby and you know you are a big girl who goes to school and doesn't wear diapers...so next time, you don't have to tell me if you notice someone is different."

DD's response "Mommy you couldn't miss him, so next time I won't tell you."
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Lady Godiva




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 10 2009, 1:06 pm
It's never too young to teach your children that not everybody looks the same and that commenting on their appearance is rude.
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onlyme




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 10 2009, 1:48 pm
levial wrote:
I also say "hashem made him/her that way" and recently my little peanut was teased by a taller child for being a "baby, you're so short" (she's short, she's the youngest in the class with a July bday and still sucks her thumb when stressed).

I taught her to say "Sarah , Hashem made me this way, you shouldn't make fun of Hashem"
but "Sarah" (not her real name) still persists so DD told me she rebutted it's not "v'ahava v reya kmocha" - so now we use that too. (On a side note a girl with older sister said "It's ok, (to my DD) you'll have no problem with a shidduch. You can date the short guys like (and she named a boy in the class!)"

I tell her after an incident "Well, just because He made that man very fat, the man might be sad when you say it out loud- he knows he looks the way he does. Just like when Sarah says your a baby and you know you are a big girl who goes to school and doesn't wear diapers...so next time, you don't have to tell me if you notice someone is different."

DD's response "Mommy you couldn't miss him, so next time I won't tell you."

This post made me smile. You've got one smart little girl there, levial.
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auntie_em




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 10 2009, 4:08 pm
levial wrote:
I also say "hashem made him/her that way" and recently my little peanut was teased by a taller child for being a "baby, you're so short" (she's short, she's the youngest in the class with a July bday and still sucks her thumb when stressed).

I taught her to say "Sarah , Hashem made me this way, you shouldn't make fun of Hashem"
but "Sarah" (not her real name) still persists so DD told me she rebutted it's not "v'ahava v reya kmocha" - so now we use that too. (On a side note a girl with older sister said "It's ok, (to my DD) you'll have no problem with a shidduch. You can date the short guys like (and she named a boy in the class!)"

I tell her after an incident "Well, just because He made that man very fat, the man might be sad when you say it out loud- he knows he looks the way he does. Just like when Sarah says your a baby and you know you are a big girl who goes to school and doesn't wear diapers...so next time, you don't have to tell me if you notice someone is different."

DD's response "Mommy you couldn't miss him, so next time I won't tell you."


levial,
I think we are living parallel lives...lol. I (nearly) always agree with you, and we handle the issue of ackward comments in a very similar fashion. We explain it's not nice manners to comment on people's appearences, but still, they are only little so it happens now and again.

So, in the moment, we quickly respond something like, "Isn't it wonderful how HaShem created everyone differently?" A smile and I'm sorry to the offended person, and they usually understand.
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Isramom8




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 10 2009, 4:40 pm
They're really not trying to sound rude. My kid asked a Jewish man we know, "Why is your skin black?" He answered with obvious delight that my child was so forthright, "Because Hashem made my skin this color, and Hashem made your skin its color". My kid accepted that.

Another of my kids remarked to a woman, "Your baby will come out from your genitals." I was shock but the woman was delighted and said, "That's right!"

YES, we do teach them manners, but sometimes they are SOOOO innocent and say these things.

I try to explain the concept of privacy. This was essential when one of my children said to a woman in the park, "Why don't you cover your hair, if you don't it's assur!" Twisted Evil

But I got annoyed at a friend in her 9th month when my kids asked her when her baby would be born, and she got all offended and gave them the stupidest answer, "At half past three." So at 3:30 my kids informed me in a really confused tone that my friend just had her baby. What a stupid, misinformative non-answer. Better to say that you'd rather not talk about it.
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Atali




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 10 2009, 10:39 pm
My response to this is to tell my kids that if they really want to say something about someone they should whisper it in my ear.

Sometimes kids really can't restrain themselves from commenting and this way no one gets embarrassed.
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twerpz




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 10 2009, 10:51 pm
I second that atali, I taught my kids that if they want to tell me something about someone else, they should whisper to me after the person has passed or is no longer near.

Young kids often can't control their impulse and I prefer they whisper to me than blurt it out loud.
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