WAT WD U DO - teen boy n ipod

amother

Sun, Apr 04 2010, 3:18 am

Diff amother than other thread, but liked her style Wink

my son knows he is not allowed to look at not tznius pics on his itouch. he has a history of looking at bad stuff in the past but he has made strides and is sincere but human/normal teen boy. we have parental controls in place on the itouch and a heavily filtered browser (minicip) but he managed to find pics of cheerleaders, I will say no more (I get reports of all sites he visits so I find out everything)

so please answer the poll about what level of consequence you would impose in this situation

thanks!!! I won't say what I'm leaning towards doing so I don't mess up the poll - and no, my dh is not involved in a disagreement w/me about this, I'm just looking for perspective

amother

Sun, Apr 04 2010, 3:30 am

I chose other, because even if you block things on your computer, if he really wants to look, he will find a way, be it on your computer, or another.
So talk to an authority that has lots of experience in this, and then talk to your son accordingly.
You can still put up precautions on your computer. But know that this is not much of a precaution by itself at all.

amother

Sun, Apr 04 2010, 3:32 am

I might be that other amother you refer to?! 8)

Anyways, why do they need internet/email. I feel it can only harm them. Protect your kids!! Smile

I don't think I'm being fanatical either.

Look at this:

Dear parents,

I trust this email finds you and yours in the best of health and spirit.

I am writing today to make sure that you understand what the Internet can do to your son, or anybody else. More precisely, if your son has any access to the Internet, what it IS doing to your son.

Imagine: Twenty years ago, when a bochur had a desire to see non-tznius images, he realized that he would have to sneak out of the house, enter unnoticed into a store that he would be embarrassed to be caught in, shamefacedly show a cashier what he was buying and lie about his age, and then view those images hiding behind a garage or bushes. Today, when a bochur wants to see non-tznius images, he goes to his living room.

Twenty years ago, the vast majority of bochurim who had that desire didn't follow through on it because it was too difficult, and they grew up and got over it. The vast majority of bochurim today are viewing these images, and it's an addiction that gets worse and worse.

Additionally, it affects every single type of bochur: the very chassidish, the not so chassidish, the outgoing, the noisy, the loner, the quiet, the obedient, the disobedient. No parent can sit back and say "I know my child, I can trust him on the computer."

Sometimes parents picture themselves in their son's shoes, but that's a mistake because the Internet experience of an adult and the experience of a teenager are world wide webs apart.

If your son uses the Internet, some or all of the following are happening:

1. He is seeing non-tznius pictures. Not by looking for them, but because almost every website that isn't 'frum based' has pictures that are not tznius, certainly not tznius by our standards. And pictures that are even less tznius are just a click away. That's best case scenario. Worst case scenario is that he is looking for non-tznius pictures, and certainly finding them, and the images that he sees are in his mind all day long and all night long.

2. He is being invited to join MySpace or Facebook or any of the other filth-riddled forums that anyone who wants to be considered "with it" needs to be a part of.

OR

He is already a member of one of these places, and is already posting and sending messages, pictures, etc. Of course, his content and language have to be up to par. He also has a few girls listed as his friends or buddies - not necessarily because he wants girls on his list, but they were a friend of a friend, and they asked to be his friend, and out of the kindness of his heart he accepted.

OR

He is already a heavy user of these forums, has many girls with whom he chats, and has changed his ID several times after being terminated for violating the terms of use agreement.

3. He is sending and receiving emails that have content that you (or I) would not approve of. Or content that would make your (or me) cry.

4. He is browsing YouTube, or a similar video website. Even if he signs on to watch a Rebbe video or a Jewish singer, when he arrives he is encouraged to watch some filth. While he's watching the kosher video it will be surrounded by suggestions of other videos, and when he's done, YouTube will recommend many more untznius videos.

5. He is searching for something on Google. Before he finds what he's looking for he is going to see or read inappropriate material, or worse.

***

We need to come to terms with the damning fact that most families have Internet access in their homes. Those of you that don't, a huge Yasher Koach to you! You are fighting the good fight, keep it up! You are the Pinchas of our days, standing up against the worst the world has to offer, in the face of overwhelming apathy.

But for those of you that have Internet in your homes, you must make sure that it is in a public place, where the users know that they have no privacy! And you must restrict the time that your children spend on the Internet to times when parents are home, and set time limits.

Please! Do not make the mistake of saying, "my child is already old enough to make good choices, I don't mix in."

Please! Do not make the mistake of saying, "my son has no interest in the filth on the Internet," or "my son is so well behaved, and so frum, he would never do anything wrong on the Internet." Kids don't sit down at the computer to ruin their lives. They sit down for innocent fun, or work, and the predatory Internet takes care of the rest.

Do not allow your child to have a laptop computer, or a handheld gaming device with Internet access, or a cell-phone with Internet access.

It's not fair! It's not fair to put a box in your son's hand and say "this box has the latest Hollywood hits. Don't open it!" "This box contains the filth your friends have told you about. Don't open it." "This box has an untznius picture or video in it. I'll never know if you look at it or not. But don't."

To ask a kid to have access to the world's filth at his or her fingertips, or in their hands or in their pockets, and expect them to stay away from it is not only unrealistic, but it's not fair.

Remember, they want to be great kids! They just need a bit of our help.

Wishing you a health and happy summer filled with nachas,

Sincerely,

Rabbi M

amother

Sun, Apr 04 2010, 3:41 am

op here

I wish I could add a survey choice: just talk to him

oh well

to add info:

- youtube is blocked
- google searching is blocked
- facebook etc. are blocked
- almost all websites are blocked except for what I whitelist and certain kid-friendly built-in sites
- I have access to his e-mail login and password, also his web history
- he knows I check up on what he does

I am VIGILANT because we did have a problem in the past despite filtering (now I'm even more vigilant than I thought I was before, but no, nothing is foolproof)

I agree with everything in rabbi m's letter but I don't think I can put the genie back in the bottle at this point - just make sure the genie is a good genie!

my son uses his itouch to"
- e-mail friends (male) and relatives
- chat with very limited contacts from above (chavrusa & grandparents primarily)
- play stupid free game apps (rated for age 4 and up)
- keep a to do list
- watch sports recaps on espn and formerly nba.com
- get his omer reminders and some other learning/jewish calendar apps

red sea

Sun, Apr 04 2010, 9:58 am

I vote just have your dh talk to him about how that road is not one to want to travel down, block the sports stuff - seems the taivah outweighs the innocence.

healthywoman

Sun, Apr 04 2010, 12:52 pm

personally I think theres a lot worse things ur son can be looking at, and although u may not like what hes currenlty looking at- I would count my blessings Smile

none the less I think that discipline is still necessary. I would suggest speaking to ur husband and finding something reasonable that will work on ur child. good luck!

chavamom

Sun, Apr 04 2010, 1:10 pm

How old is the boy we are talking about? There is a big difference between what you do with a 13 year-old and a 17, 18, 19 year-old.

sequoia

Sun, Apr 04 2010, 1:18 pm

amother wrote:

He is already a heavy user of these forums, has many girls with whom he chats, and has changed his ID several times after being terminated for violating the terms of use agreement.

What?

marina

Sun, Apr 04 2010, 3:03 pm

sequoia- that is not about anyone in the thread, that is part of a hypothetical written by a rav trying to warn parents about the dangers, etc.

OP- I would block all access for a week.

sequoia

Sun, Apr 04 2010, 4:47 pm

I understand that. I just don't see on what basis he assumes that is happening. Maybe this rav is against the *use* of social networks, full stop. But why does he think anyone is using them inappropriately, violating the TOS, etc?

amother

Wed, Apr 07 2010, 1:14 am

OK OP here.

red sea - my husband and I have already had many talks about going down "that road" because our son unfortunately was introduced to internet [filth] (serious) by a "friend" and due to a technicality our filter allowed it (we have since fixed the glitch, but it was very very bad)

of course he got a reminder about what is and is not appropriate and how important it is to guard what he looks at and that is an important mitzvah for him as he goes through his teen years and beyond

healthywoman - cheerleader pics are pretty nasty, actually, but you're right that it could be worse (and used to be) but I feel like even "lite" nasty is like a booster shot to the bad side - bringing the [filth] images back to mind and revitalizing that side of his mind - if that makes sense

chavamom- my son is 13 and accepts all of our limitations on his ipod and my monitoring of his history etc BUT yes he does have a (normal I understand) taivah and obviously since there was a link right on nba he clicked on it and looked at the dancer pics

to see what I mean any of you could go to nba.com and click the tab that says dancers - personally it makes me cry

by the way for now I blocked just that site, told him he lost it and that any further pushing of limits will result in zero sports sites (he still has espn) and we would go from there

amother

Wed, Apr 07 2010, 1:16 am

sequoia wrote:

sequoia, op here - honestly I think it is RAMPANT. I look at kids my son's age and older (and also younger) and I see in their eyes that they are already jaded from all they have seen

I think it is SO SAD

and I also think most parents don't even do the level of filtering and checking up and just constant communicating that I do

and that is obviously not even foolproof and I am on top of things every day

amother

Wed, Apr 07 2010, 3:10 am

I would think long and hard before you decide what to do - I have a friend who took away sons phone for a similar infranction and lets just say the phone is now the least of her problems.

amother

Wed, Apr 07 2010, 3:39 am

amother wrote:

I would think long and hard before you decide what to do - I have a friend who took away sons phone for a similar infranction and lets just say the phone is now the least of her problems.

op here - yes

that is why I only blocked the one problematic site and gave a warning

it is important to choose battles and also to walk a fine line between supervising and making a kid feel so mistrusted that it pushes him away

and it is also why we allow sports at all - it is a compromise to allow our son to have his outlet although it wouldn't be our choice of outlet

groisamomma

Wed, Apr 07 2010, 4:08 am

amother wrote:

that is why I only blocked the one problematic site and gave a warning

it is important to choose battles and also to walk a fine line between supervising and making a kid feel so mistrusted that it pushes him away

and it is also why we allow sports at all - it is a compromise to allow our son to have his outlet although it wouldn't be our choice of outlet

I don't have kids this age yet, but you sound like you're a good mother. It is very hard to find the right balance to supervise kids yet not make them feel trapped. I think you are very wise to seek the opinions of others that are going thru the same thing.

Hatzlacha!

ruth

Tue, Apr 27 2010, 12:25 am

please tell me how you did this:

amother wrote:

- youtube is blocked
- google searching is blocked
- facebook etc. are blocked
- almost all websites are blocked except for what I whitelist and certain kid-friendly built-in sites
- I have access to his e-mail login and password, also his web history
- he knows I check up on what he does

Quote:

my son uses his itouch to"
- e-mail friends (male) and relatives
- chat with very limited contacts from above (chavrusa & grandparents primarily)
- play stupid free game apps (rated for age 4 and up)
- keep a to do list
- watch sports recaps on espn and formerly nba.com
- get his omer reminders and some other learning/jewish calendar apps