I seriously need HELP!!! I feel like running away.

marina

Mon, Sep 20 2010, 8:16 am

An evaluation is not a magical solution. Everyone thinks it is, but generally an evaluation will just confirm what you already know, that your child has difficulty with anger management and is impulsive.

Also in an evaluation, the examiner is often pressured, even if it is just by the parents themselves, to label the child and find a diagnosis b/c parents think that a diagnosis of ODD is somehow easier to deal with than just an oppositional child.

I would work on getting an evaluation, but it is more important to read all these books that everyone is suggesting and find what works for your child, regardless of the label the diagnostician will place on him.

It's not just the book I suggested, but the other ones too. Reading lots of parenting books will give you a store of tactics and you can pick the aisle and the shelf depending on your child and the particular occasion. I do think the skill set taught by The Explosive Child book is an important one for kids to learn, just that it is very difficult to effectively do in the heat of the moment.

sneakermom

Mon, Sep 20 2010, 8:59 am

Early behavioral issues can indicate a neurological issue such as bipolar or ocd in kids. Not always. But when the behaviors are manifesting itself it is important to rule those things out first. Especially because parenting skills aren't always the answer and can't change the wiring of a kid.

If the child has been thoroughly evaluated and neurological issues ruled out, then parenting skills are warranted and should be worked on to help the kid.

I'm just pointing this out because I have a friend that wanted to bang her head against the wall, literally, she tried so hard to be a good a firm mother. But her child was so easily set off, had mood swings, craved nosh all day, and couldn't fall asleep at night. It turns out the kid is bipolar. So it's important to get a clear assessment from the get go in order for the treatment plan to work.

And op....I'm not saying that these are your kids issues...just important to check it out.

Barbara

Mon, Sep 20 2010, 9:14 am

amother wrote:

I have a 6 yo ds who has always been an extremely difficult child. But, he goes through stages. Sometimes he can be sooo good but when he is going thru a bad stage he is literally impossible to deal with. He does not listen to a word me or dh says. He throws tantrums whenever something doesnt go his way. He can be completely obnoxious and chutzpadik. I try so hard to not yell at him, to spend some alone time with him etc. but nothing helps.
I'll give a few examples so you can get an idea of how hard my days are.
Tonight at supper, my mother in law was over, and he picked his nose and purposely wiped it on her because he thought it was funny!! Then he got a tissue to blow his nose and threw the tissue on her!
We were at the park today and I got the kids ice cream from the ice cream truck. But one is not enough for him. He threw a tantrum when I wouldn't get him another one!! My other ds was perfectly happy with his ice cream and did not demand to have another.
In the morning, he woke up late and he needed to get ready for school. He wanted to watch a video but I told him he needs to wash neigel vaasar, brush his teeth, get dressed etc. He threw a 20 min tantrum and told me - Ma, you know sometimes you make me sick Sad

I literally feel like crying at the end of every single day when he acts like this. Actually, many times I do. I have the urge to slap him in the face when he does these completely obnoxious things. I dont, but I feel like he needs a good spanking sometimes. I know this is not normal, but I am literally at my wits end. I have tried EVERYTHING but even if it improves for a while it always comes back. I feel like running away because of him. I don't know what to do anymore. Please help me.

Honestly, some of this *does* sound perfectly normal for a 6 year-old. He's still learning impulse control.

*Normal* doesn't mean desirable. *Normal* doesn't mean *behavior that we should allow to persist* It means *not pathological*

You can't react to temper tantrums. If that means that you have to leave, lock yourself in the bathroom, go into the woods and scream, then do it. But don't give in out of embarrassment, or to make your life momentarily easier. Giving in just makes it more likely to continue. Speak to him calmly and soothingly. Then speak to him again, when HE is calm. He's not going to understand in the middle of the tantrum, when he loses control.

If there's something that usually sets him off, talk about it in advance. Also, if possible, enlist help. Go to the park with a friend who is able and willing to take your other kids is this DS tantrums. Then he has to leave the park (but your other kids can stay).

The nose thing, well, that kind of stuff fascinates boys, and I can definitely see my son having done that. He should be excused from the table and sent to quietly read while everyone finishes the meal.

amother

Mon, Sep 20 2010, 9:47 am

OP here,
Thanks everyone for your replies! I will definitely go check out those books on amazon.
My ds was seeing a therapist for about 6 months, and it did help a little, but I didn't feel like it was helping all that much. He was not diagnosed with anything specific, just that he is an intense, defiant child. I don't think its anything more than that. I stopped the therapy because it was getting expensive, but I am now thinking of starting it again.
He also suffers from insomnia (that is my own diagnosis of it). He takes forever to fall asleep and wakes up several times at night. Many times he'll wake up at 4:30-5 AM and cannot fall back asleep and he is up for the day. Of course, he doesn't just lay in bed. He keeps coming to my room and knocking on the door.
I took an excellent parenting class last year which I did find to be helpful. But, the methods take ALOT of time and patience. So lately I have been getting lazy. I am about to have a third child (any day now Smile

and getting NO SLEEP at night. I know if I had more patience with him, spent more time with him etc things would improve. But I have another child, I work, and am 9 months pregnant. Its soo hard for me right now. I know its a vicious cycle that needs to be stopped. He needs more attention than an average child so Its hard to find the time and energy for that. Of course, he probably resents the lack of attention and acts up even more!

amother

Mon, Sep 20 2010, 9:55 am

OP again,
Last night, when he was calm I reminded him of all the privelages that he gets because he is the oldest. He gets to stay up later every night, and gets to stay up on Fri night, while my little one goes to sleep. He gets to go to shul on shabbos with daddy. He goes to a baseball league, etc. I think he started to realize that he does get to do things that his little brother cannot do. I wanted him to feel special to be the oldest. I think maybe he is jealous of my younger one bec he is the baby and gets all the "koochi coo-ing" while he has to be more mature.

amother

Mon, Sep 20 2010, 10:06 am

new amother here. op I can totally relate to your frustration - I have a similar issue with my son and often feel at a loss with him. I actually have been thinking recently of taking him for an evaluation and would really appreciate it if anyone can recommend someone good who speaks english and works in jerusalem. tia.

op, and everyone else I wish you lots of koach in reaching out to your child and succeeding with Hashem's help in really understanding them and what they need so that they can grow up to be the very best they can without too much frustration for you all along the way...

zigi

Mon, Sep 20 2010, 10:11 am

amother wrote:

I'm the 11:48 pm mother who recommended "The explosive Child." My son was evaluated and told he has ADHD. But he probably has oppositional defiance disorder too, we can check off practically everything off of that list. The therapist said defiance is very common with ADHD. I find I try to give in as much as I can. Not to a second ice cream, or things like that, but if he wants to wear mismatched clothes that make me feel mortified to be in public with him, I live with the mortification. The author of the book says to try and head off explosions at the pass. I stand my ground when I need to, but let other things go as much as I can. You don't want protein with dinner? Fine. You don't feel like brushing your teeth tonight? Whatever.

that book is really good. I like what amother is talking about the basket system. what is important to deal with and what can be ignored. it really helped.

op. my ds sounds similar. he is a hard kid. even though he is the oldest I still do treat him like a baby, not all the time but I hug him and say you are my baby etc.. coochi coochi coo. he likes it. I do it with all of my kids. I also try not to put too much on him, he is the oldest but he is only 6. he will have temper tantrums. especially if he is tired.

lack of sleep is a big problem for both of you I have tons more patience if I get a normal amount of sleep. your ds is probablly overtired so little things can set him off. what did your dr say about imsomnia?

Brown

Mon, Sep 20 2010, 11:41 am

Sleep disorders can also be part of adhd. My oldest couldn't fall asleep till between 2-4 am for years and he kept the others up as well. There were nights they would be bathed, suppered and bedded by 8 and then I would sit in the doorway 8-12 allowing no one to make a sound or move. At some point there I'd collapse and they would get up to play for a few more hours. One morning I found the walls colored all over. Baruch Hashem, we found out there are sleep specialists. He prescribed meletonin for my son and now my nights are not as calm as ploni if you want to compare but much easier. Some kids still wake up at night so I don't get a 6 hours straight but better than no sleep at all and feeling totally hopeless and out of control.

daisy

Mon, Sep 20 2010, 12:14 pm

marina wrote:

I agree with Marina.

Tamiri

Mon, Sep 20 2010, 1:16 pm

daisy wrote:

marina wrote:

I agree with Marina.

Evaluations are good for (1) opening up the eyes of inexperienced parents. There is so much going on with children that you can't even begin to imagine, until you get one that has issues (2) Helping experienced parents cope with a type of child they never raised before (3) suggesting methods for (hopefully) ensuring the child reaches maturity as a functioning human being. I wouldn't knock an eval so quickly.

ysydmom

Mon, Sep 20 2010, 2:14 pm

Take a deep breath you are doing great as a mother, give yourself a pat on the back. Here are a few things to try.

When he misbehaves count to 10 and ask Hashem to help you deal with the situation properly - I find that helps alot!

Take him away from the situation so if you are at dinner and he is not behaving take him out of the room and tell him he is not punished he just needs to relax for minute and take a break - when he feels he can sit nicely he can come join again - maybe try staying with him so it's not a punishment.

In order to motivate him to listen give him an instant reward. For example when my kids listen they get a sticker, It doesn't have to be a large something it can be computer time, tv time, time with parents, a game - something small. After they really change and you see a big difference get them a large prize - the thing with this is to let the child know what prize he/she will be getting if you tell him - sit nicely by supper and you will get xyz which you know he really likes he will listen and then after supper give it to him right away.

I just started doing that with my kids and it works wonders.

As far as evaluations that might help - if you are in New York call up counterforce they are very good if you need other ideas PM me.

There are also certain foods that might be triggering it and you might not be aware - try keeping a food diary and after he acts up circle the foods he ate last and see if there is a pattern going on.

Otherwise speak to your pediatrician and see what he says sometimes they have good ideas. But motivation and keeping calm cool and collected which is very hard to do Smile

is the key!

PM me for more advice as I'm dealing with this as well.

anon

Sat, Sep 25 2010, 8:56 pm

amother wrote:

Have you looked into options for helping with his insomnia? Sleep is not something that can be overlooked when it comes to behavioral issues! There are professionals who specialize in sleep issues, have you looked into that?

Also, may I ask which parenting class you took?