carpool dilemma, need help ASAP from as many as possible

Ima2NYM_LTR

Fri, Oct 22 2010, 2:22 pm

PLEASE READ. its not as long as it seems. please respond with WWYD

So we got a call from a long time, but not close friend, "Sarah". She is a single/divorced mom and recently got a job at one of the Jewish day schools, which lets out at 3:30. The issue is that her oldest is in kindergarten at the same school as my oldest (the other school in town) which lets out at 315. Since her daughter was recently diagnosed with aspergers, she needs a carpool her daughter feels comfortable with. Would I be willing to help by doing pick up in the afternoon if she drops of in the AM? I only have a sedan, so not enough room for the extra booster (in addition to the booster for DS and the always installed car seat for younger DD). I would end up driving to school 1 when friend will be working, which is only a mile away from my house, so not far, borrowing my friends minivan, picking up our kids at school 2, driving back to school 1 and dropping the daughter off with her mom and getting back in my car to go home(sometimes with my DD, sometimes not). Even though it would be much harder for me, it would be a huge help to a single mom with 2 kids (father lives out of area)

THE ISSUE IS

I already carpool with a family. We do mornings, they do afternoons "Cohens". They have a son in 6th grade and we've been carpooling with them since after Pesach last year. They often change the schedule, cancel on us, etc and the mother has said countless times "If you want to stop carpooling with us, I would totally understand"
So when I got a call from "Sarah", I asked her to try to find another solution because we already had a carpool with the "Cohens", but if she couldnt figure it out, let me know. Well "Sarah" called back after exhausting other options, and we discussed the terms above. I figured, since the "Cohens"
said she would understand if we stopped carpooling that they would- well, understand. They didnt, and got upset at the concept of us 'leaving her in a lurch'. The "Cohens" son is on a 4 day field trip next week anyway, so for 4 days we would be without them. Perfect time to test it out with "Sarahs" daughter.

The "Cohens" wants to do a 3 way carpool. "Sarah" says her daughter wouldnt go with a stranger. I only have a sedan and would never be able to figure out a way to get my 2 (DD is home with me) + 2 in my car. Technically "Sarah" could drive mornings for all the kids and the "cohens" afternoon, but "Sarah" says her daughter wouldnt get in the car with anyone she doesnt know, including the "Cohens". Not to mention that it would effectively be leaving me out of the loop because Id never be able to do any of it with only my sedan.

So where does my loyalty lie?

The "cohens" who has said in the past she would understand in we cancelled on her, but obviously doesnt, but is willing to do a 3 way?

Or

"Sarah" who desperately needs my help, but would be more inconvenient for me?

Last edited by Ima2NYM_LTR on Fri, Oct 22 2010, 3:27 pm; edited 1 time in total

Barbara

Fri, Oct 22 2010, 3:44 pm

I don't see that your loyalty lies in either place.

Re your current carpool, it doesn't really meet your needs given the kids' very different schedules and the fact that you often wind up driving both ways. She said she'd understand if you leave the carpool. You don't owe them.

Re the new situation, it would be nice to help out, but there's obviously a significant cost to you. Its not just shlepping to this other school, its also using someone else's car, including car seat for your little one, and shlepping the baby from car to car even if s/he's sick, in the snow and cold and rain.

If this is just an acquaintance, I'm not sure why the child feels so comfortable going with you, but refuses to go with anyone else. Also, is there not any form of after-school care available?

life'sgreat

Fri, Oct 22 2010, 3:48 pm

To me it's a no brainer. I don't think it's about loyalty per se, but I would help Sarah. The reasons, as I see it are:

a. Sarah is a single mom who really needs your help.
b. She's a friend, however not close.
c. The Cohens have flaked you in the past, so they are not reliable.
d. If Sarah is going to be reliant on them, and they flake, she's in a real bind.
e. As you said, you'll be out of the loop.
f. The Cohens did tell you that they'd understand. The fact that she's now being unreasonable and backtracking is not your problem.
g. I don't think the Cohens should expect you to continue doing carpool with them, regardless of what other arrangements you make.

HindaRochel

Sat, Oct 23 2010, 3:13 pm

She can fit two boosters and a child, but the sedan is too small for 3 boosters.

Is there no one at the school that can stay with the child for an extra 1/2hr? that is what I would think the best plan would be...that or bring the child to mom...no one that child already knows?

It does sound like a lot of work, but I would favor Sarah over Cohen's. But for everyone's sake I think mom should get her daughter use to another sitter who could pick her up and bring her to mom and who would also be willing to babysit on occasion (if child is sick and mom needs to work) I mean that would be myu friendly advice to the mom, not you!

Ima2NYM_LTR

Sat, Oct 23 2010, 7:06 pm

in the end we are going to try doing a 3 way

Sarah drives M-Th all 3 kids in the morning
The Cohens drive m-th all 3 kids in the afternoon

I am backup for either one

F- Sarah drives her daughter AM and PM (she doesnt work Fri) and I drive the 2 boys AM and PM

When I have to drive all 3, assuming my baby can be home with her father, I can take out her car seat and fit in the extra booster (I just didnt want to have to do this everyday). otherwise, we will have to sandwich 2 boosters and a car seat in my backseat, or I will borrow Sarahs minivan.

This is all assuming Sarahs daughter is OK with the Cohens

In the end, we end up driving less, Sarah gets someone else to pickup M-Th and The Cohens dont have to worry about getting their son to school anyday. All I have to do is buy an extra booster for the extra car

mommyofnineka

Sun, Oct 24 2010, 1:41 am

Ima2NYM_LTR wrote:

You should be Matzliach!

toastedbagel

Sun, Oct 24 2010, 7:39 am

I see you already have an option you are trying, but in case that falls through, my thoughts:
I would help Sarah before the Cohens, but driving back and forth and switching cars is complete lunacy.
Are you so sure the carseat and 2 boosters or whatever it is won't fit?
When I had my third, and my twins were 17 months, I was really worried about how I would fit a third carseat in the car, as officially by the measurements, in centimeters, it couldn't be done, and we were not in a position to buy a minivan. So I called up a carseat fitting service, explained my predicament, and asked if they would trial fit a carseat just to see if it was doable, and lo and behold it was.
You might want to try it and see if it fits, it may solve at least the car borrowing part of the problem.