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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Preschoolers
I can't handle being a parent anymore. I want to run away.
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Grace




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 06 2011, 2:54 am
My guess is your extremely overstretched, with dh being away and on edge anyway.
sometimes we have more or less patience for our kids - I know your thinking we always have to have patience but we are human, and real people dont operate that way.
After a day like that - I really doubt I would have been able to get into bed and cuddle I would have needed significant time to cool off, I think that even if that felt natural to you - I think its admirable.
He sounds very clever - I cant believe that defiance ALWAYS comes from mental health issues, your a wonderful mummy for confronting things head on, but stay calm it may not be ODD, you may just have a harder than usual child to handle, with a high IQ, and a lot of spunk and sense of self who just always wants to do what he wants.
Im scared of labels, can you tell?
Big hugs to you OP, raising children can make you feel like your losing your brain, your self, everything
My guess is, your way up there on the list of wonderful parents.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Apr 06 2011, 8:30 am
Merrymom wrote:
Really, you weren't defiant at all? I must say that I'm very suprised. Most kids will do everything in the world to test you. I'd label all my kids defiant if that's how we determine it. I think it's perfectly normal. I don't scream or carry on, I make them face the consequences of their misbehavior. Either they won't be able to play something that they like or I won't read that book they wanted me to read to them or something like that. Mainly though, I try to keep it positive instead of negative though. So if they say "NO, I'm not going to brush my teeth" for example I might say if you're good and do what I say right away then I'll read you a good story or I'll write you a mitzvah note. Things like that. To me a four year old is still practically a baby, I wouldn't take it so personally.


Thays interesting - if my son said he doesn't want to brush his teeth, I would say, ok, but ima is going to brush moshe's teeth now not ____'s! And immedietly he says, I do want, I do and it almost always works.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Apr 06 2011, 9:32 am
Merrymom wrote:
Really, you weren't defiant at all? I must say that I'm very suprised. Most kids will do everything in the world to test you. I'd label all my kids defiant if that's how we determine it. I think it's perfectly normal. I don't scream or carry on, I make them face the consequences of their misbehavior. Either they won't be able to play something that they like or I won't read that book they wanted me to read to them or something like that. Mainly though, I try to keep it positive instead of negative though. So if they say "NO, I'm not going to brush my teeth" for example I might say if you're good and do what I say right away then I'll read you a good story or I'll write you a mitzvah note. Things like that. To me a four year old is still practically a baby, I wouldn't take it so personally.


OP here -
I wasn't defiant at all. Good kid. Now, when I hit 16, I was not the nicest to be around, but once that came and gone, I was a nice normal kid. Always did what my parents asked. It's my personality.
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Merrymom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 06 2011, 9:48 am
amother wrote:
Merrymom wrote:
Really, you weren't defiant at all? I must say that I'm very suprised. Most kids will do everything in the world to test you. I'd label all my kids defiant if that's how we determine it. I think it's perfectly normal. I don't scream or carry on, I make them face the consequences of their misbehavior. Either they won't be able to play something that they like or I won't read that book they wanted me to read to them or something like that. Mainly though, I try to keep it positive instead of negative though. So if they say "NO, I'm not going to brush my teeth" for example I might say if you're good and do what I say right away then I'll read you a good story or I'll write you a mitzvah note. Things like that. To me a four year old is still practically a baby, I wouldn't take it so personally.


OP here -
I wasn't defiant at all. Good kid. Now, when I hit 16, I was not the nicest to be around, but once that came and gone, I was a nice normal kid. Always did what my parents asked. It's my personality.


Well that must have been really nice for your parents but don't think that it's normal. There's nothing normal imho about a child who does everything that they're told.
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Tamiri




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 06 2011, 10:00 am
OP please look into how YOU can learn about handling a defiant child. As others have mentioned, proper nutrition is very helpful in keeping a child calm. Learning how to handle such a child also goes a long way in maintaining your own mental health. You can learn different techniques to prevent outbursts. Take it one step at a time. He's only 4, still a baby. Also, have him checked out for sensory issues, which can drive a person mad and make existing conditions even worse.
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Barbara




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 06 2011, 10:10 am
amother wrote:
OP here -
I want to thank everyone for your comments. B"H I didn't end it totally horribly.

I screamed and yelled, etc. etc. It was so bad - my ds was being horrific.

B"H, I calmed myself down. Held my baby (2 yo) for a long time and finally put him to bed. Then, I went in to 4 yo ds and lay down with him. we talked for a long time and hugged and I rubbed his back. The end was good, but getting there was horrible.

My fault. All my fault. I'm going to research defiant children...look for my thread Smile


(((Amother))) We all have bad days when we don't act like that perfect TV mom. I've had more than my share. But I think the imporant thing is that you stepped back, regrouped, and reconnected. In my book, that makes a good (but not perfect) mom.

Who want a perfect mom anyway?

For some kids, the more you punish, the more you take away, the more out of control they become. They pretend not to care because they don't want to show how much they do care. Sometimes, for these kids, you need to take a step back. See if disciplining LESS is more effective.

Also, you mention that he has OT, PT, SLT and SEIT. Is there a frustration element -- that he cannot make himself fully understood, or cannot do some things, physically, that other kids can?

Hope today is better for you.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Apr 06 2011, 10:15 am
One of my kids could be your kid's twin. Oh the adjectives that have been thrown at me while discussing my child. Anyhow, one thing clicked for me about half a year ago. I realized that part of what really upset me was my own yelling and reaction to the situation. My yelling bothered me more than my son's yelling. Once I forced myself to calm down during his constant outbursts, things improved a bit. His behavior improved (not drastically but a bit) because he was no longer feeding off my anger. And I felt better because no one feels good after blowing up at your kid.

Also, though most kids need some sort of immediate consequence for misbehavior, what works best for my son is giving him time to cool off and then calmly explaining to why he needs to do something. The more we talk it out the better. Yet all the parenting books say to use less words, to just be brief and firm. Well talking works for my son. He needs more time to process things.

He has the same therapies as your son, btw.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Apr 06 2011, 10:17 am
Oh see Barbara just wrote kind of what I wrote. Discipline less. It's counterintuitive but my son feeds off all the negative stuff. Not that I never discipline him but I try to see things from his perspective before I put him in timeout or take away something.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Apr 06 2011, 5:25 pm
Two words: fish oil.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Apr 06 2011, 7:13 pm
Tamiri wrote:
OP please look into how YOU can learn about handling a defiant child. As others have mentioned, proper nutrition is very helpful in keeping a child calm. Learning how to handle such a child also goes a long way in maintaining your own mental health. You can learn different techniques to prevent outbursts. Take it one step at a time. He's only 4, still a baby. Also, have him checked out for sensory issues, which can drive a person mad and make existing conditions even worse.


I know he has sensory issues - oral motor and reg. At the advice of one of his therapists, we're getting back into brushing and massaging.

I'm also trying really hard to change my behavior. I've been looking up ODD, and even if he's not, there are good suggestions.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Apr 06 2011, 7:21 pm
OP here (I am also the poster above)

UPDATE: Ds has been TESTING all day. But I have kept my cool. I am so proud of myself. We went out to a special dinner that he chose. I thought it would be good, but he and little ds can't handle being at a restaurant for dinner even though we went really early.

However, put little ds to sleep and spent special alone time with 4 yo ds. We talked, did a math game on the computer (I learned during bath time that he was learning math in school!) So, that was fun. Bedtime was a THOUSAND times better than last night. It doesn't even compare. He still tested all day. He still hurt his brother. He still had NUMEROUS tantrums. But I also noticed that when I either ignored or responded very little, they were cut short.

We have a long way to go, but it's amazing how 15-20 minutes of special alone time can improve bed time.
I'm going to try to keep that going w/ dh's help when he gets back.
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Mommastuff




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 06 2011, 10:14 pm
amother wrote:
OP here (I am also the poster above)

UPDATE: Ds has been TESTING all day. But I have kept my cool. I am so proud of myself. We went out to a special dinner that he chose. I thought it would be good, but he and little ds can't handle being at a restaurant for dinner even though we went really early.

However, put little ds to sleep and spent special alone time with 4 yo ds. We talked, did a math game on the computer (I learned during bath time that he was learning math in school!) So, that was fun. Bedtime was a THOUSAND times better than last night. It doesn't even compare. He still tested all day. He still hurt his brother. He still had NUMEROUS tantrums. But I also noticed that when I either ignored or responded very little, they were cut short.

We have a long way to go, but it's amazing how 15-20 minutes of special alone time can improve bed time.
I'm going to try to keep that going w/ dh's help when he gets back.


I think this proves that you ARE a GREAT mother!! Realize that!
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amother


 

Post Wed, Apr 06 2011, 11:48 pm
ODD isnt a real diagnosis. like ADD is saying there is something chemically wrong with the brain that causes someone to be distracted etc. ODD is just a label for someone who is defiant. it basically means nothing, except that your child is really difficult. what I mean by nothing is that by labelling him that it wont' get him specific meds, therapies etc. bec every ODD child needs diff chinuch. I know this isn't helpful but what I'm trying to say is maybe evaluate him to see if there is any underlying issue that is causing him to be behave defiantly. if not then just deal with his personality as he is but no use lableing ODD bec its not really a helpful diagnosis. IMO as a parent with a child similar to yours. it gets easier and it gets harder. he'll outgrow some issues but find new ones. just know you are not alone. and you sound like you are doing a great job. "alone time" really does help for my kids too.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Apr 07 2011, 9:03 am
The comments about getting him evaluated...I'm assuming the OP is not paying out of pocket for all his therapies but going through the board of ed. That requires quite a bit of testing, usually including a psych eval, too. Even private therapists, if that is the route she has taken, do a full eval with formal testing.

Is there some other eval you guys thinks he should do?
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amother


 

Post Thu, Apr 07 2011, 9:29 am
Please red John Rosemond's website and books.
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