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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
Need parenting help! Defiant Ds is now affecting little ds.



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amother


 

Post Tue, Sep 13 2011, 5:19 pm
Ds (5) is a gifted and extremely defiant child. We are having so many problems with him. His latest thing is just saying "No" to us. He screams, he hits little ds (2 1/2), uses bad language like bathroom words and "stupid" - another gem that little ds has picked up.

We don't know what to do. When he says no, he's sent to time out on the step or if really bad to time out in his room. He starts at 5 min. and then time is increased if he doesn't go to the step right away or screams back.

The problem is, is it's not working! He's on the step several times a day. He's so angry all the time. Screaming, hurting, etc. Some, dh says that that's just what boys do - they fight and then they laugh, they hurt and then say potty words, etc. I was a good-two-shoes girl. What do I know about boy behavior? What's "normal?"

What do we do? I need other consequences. Something that works. Help!
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morah




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 13 2011, 5:28 pm
He doesn't sound particularly out of control, but this is just one day you're describing. If you think he may have Oppositional Defiant Disorder, try the book "The Explosive Child". It's about disciplining children for whom the conventional means (time out, loss of privileges, etc) don't work- different approaches, mainly geared toward diffusing the bomb before actually dealing with consequences. Very worthwhile read if you think your child has ODD, ADD, Aspberger's or other issue that may make listening and behaving nicely difficult.
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ElTam




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 13 2011, 6:52 pm
Maybe he needs help figuring out other words to use?

For example, if he says stupid, what about getting down to his level and saying, "Stupid is not an okay word to use. I think you are feeling angry right now. How about saying, 'Ima, I feel really mad right now?'" (Or whatever you think the situation is.)

My oldest is VERY strong-willed and time-outs as a punishment did NOT work for her. If she was being out of control, I would sit down with her on my lap and say, "Okay, we're going to take a little break and set the reset button and then we can go back and play." Positive reinforcement worked very well for her, star charts with rewards she picked out so she knew what she would earn. However, there are absolute red-lines, and those get a consequence. With her, I administer them very calmly. (Her little sister, being yelled at is punishment alone, but for the older one, it just makes things worse.) For consequences, she loses toys, screen time, story time, etc. And if she throws a fit about it, we just ignore it and go on. The screaming or yelling "no" does not get any punishment or any response, other than a calm, "I'm sorry zeeskeit. You hit your sister and now you lost your doll for two days. Hopefully next time you get angry you will remember to use your words and not your hands." If the screaming/fighting continues, it's a calm, "When you are ready to talk nicely, we can talk about this more."

She can scream no and throw a fit all she wants. It gets no response. She's seven now and has really outgrown a lot of it.

Hatzlacha. The upside is that kids who are very persistent like this tend to be very focused and driven to succeed as they grow up...
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