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How to come to terms with 13 y/o DD who wont help out!
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amother









  
Post Posted: Wed, May 02 2012, 1:47 pm       Post subject: how to come to terms with 13 y/o DD who wont help out!
I need the help not her. She's just not the type that likes to help. Not with her younger siblings or setting a table or any other thing that is requested. If I tell her to do something she'll either forget or kvetch. After her come 3 DS's who are much more helpful. I am preg now which means I'm so nauseous and sooo tired that it's hard to function. I'm having a hard time not being resentful to her for not helping out. She generally takes care of hersel although she likes me to make her lunch and cut up her apple...everyday. Many times she'll ask me to do something that she can easily do herself and I'll just give her that stare of c'mon! Any suggestions from weathered mommies. I'm at a breaking point.
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amother









  
Post Posted: Wed, May 02 2012, 3:26 pm       Post subject: re: how to come to terms with 13 y/o DD who wont help out!
Your DD should be helping out as she is more then old enough for the responsibility.

It can also breed resentment from the other children who help out and will wonder why 13 year old doesn't have to help and they do.

I would make a chore list and the children will have a different chore each day. Ones who do their chores will be rewarded and ones who don't will have consequences.

Since I have the chore list things are much easier in my house, far from perfect but I gave birth to children not angels Laughing

Hatzlacha
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saw50st8









  
Post Posted: Wed, May 02 2012, 4:03 pm       Post subject: re: how to come to terms with 13 y/o DD who wont help out!
Make a list of age appropriate household chores and ask her to pick a certain amount (based on how much time she has).

Explain to her that as she gets older, she gets more freedom and more responsibility. If she can't handle the responsibility, then she can't go out to her friends unsupervised. Since you are pregnant, tired and busy, that probably won't be too often.
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ElTam









  
Post Posted: Wed, May 02 2012, 5:20 pm       Post subject: re: how to come to terms with 13 y/o DD who wont help out!
My kids are younger, but I have talked to them about the idea that we are a team and everybody on the team has to work together to make things work. I wouldn't point out what the other siblings do, but I would say what your expectations are and if she doesn't comply, then when she needs something from you that isn't a necessity, I would say, "I'm sorry, I'm to busy/tired from doing (whatever you asked her to do that she didn't do). I don't have the energy."

The kvetching, I would just ignore. It's likely to drop off when she sees it doesn't get any effect. As long as she does it.
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Simple1









  
Post Posted: Wed, May 02 2012, 5:24 pm       Post subject: re: how to come to terms with 13 y/o DD who wont help out!
I've found that kids were more likely to do chores when I did a good job training them in. Even if you think it's easy for you, it's a good idea to give explicit directions and demos.

If all else fails, she may need another year or two to mature and be ready for more responsibilities.
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spring13









  
Post Posted: Wed, May 02 2012, 6:07 pm       Post subject: re: how to come to terms with 13 y/o DD who wont help out!
"Not being the type that likes to help" has ZERO to do with whether or not she should be expected to do so. She's part of the family, so she contributes, end of story. And she is by FAR old enough to do things around the house. Don't think that this is a problem with your attitude - it's a problem with hers, and not one you should have to put up with.

I agree with people who suggested making a chore list, and assigning her the same few jobs every week. Give every kid 2 chores that are theirs alone, and make a chart to keep track of it all. Call a family meeting to explain the new setup, maybe to let the kids help decide who does what (maybe have them pick things out of a hat?), so they all know exactly what's expected. If the job chart is a whole-family thing, it'll be harder for her to weasel out of it or get you to let someone else take over for her. If she whines, ignore it, just remind her calmly that X is her responsibility and you expect it to be done. Talk to DH and plan some consequences for kids who don't do their jobs - and rewards for those who do them consistently without complaining.

Oh, and get one of these so she can slice her own apples.
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amother









  
Post Posted: Wed, May 02 2012, 6:34 pm       Post subject: re: how to come to terms with 13 y/o DD who wont help out!
Definitely a chore list, but by 13, if you haven't yet expected things from her, it's going to be more challenging. My 13 yr old dd is the oldest and has been taking care of my now 2 yr old since she was a baby (as needed, of course). She is capable of doing all of the following (and does them in a rotation):

-washing dishes
-cleaning LR floor (straightening and vacuuming)
-putting dishes away
-cleaning the bathroom (all of my kids do this - boys and girls - toilets and tubs - got the boys to stop pishing on the floor)
-empty garbage
-mop kitchen floor
-watch her younger sibling or babysit for a neighbors children
-make noodles or macaroni and cheese, rice, baked ziti, bakes cookies & cakes
-laundry (hers or everyones - washing, drying and folding)

I realize I am very lucky that she does all this, and that she wants to (most of the time). But everyone feels they have a chaylek in this house, no one does it alone, and everyone has jobs, even my 2 year old. It's always been like that.

That said, she gets more privileges than the younger kids because she helps more. I let her stay up later during the week, and sometimes we just have Mom/DD shmoozing time, which I think she likes better than anything else. Also, we often do chores together as a family, so no one feels they are "working too hard."

I would sit and have a long talk with her and tell her what's expected and then keep a chart or something with everyone's jobs on it. I have one son who likes doing the "garbage run," and another who likes cleaning bathroom counters. Everyone gets a job they like, and then one they don't so much like but need to learn how to do.

My mother never taught me how to clean a house or how to cook (she didn't know either), so I had to learn as a grown up, and I'm determined that should not happen to my children.

Anon only b/c of personal info.
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amother









  
Post Posted: Wed, May 02 2012, 7:00 pm       Post subject: re: how to come to terms with 13 y/o DD who wont help out!
I don't want to give advice because I don't have teenage daughters however I do want to say it's not something you have to come to terms with.

It's something she must come to terms with. She must learn to help. I'd say she has to earn her keep. Her clothes toys games going to camp etc. She's a big girl When I was 13 I was making pesach already and cooking for shabbos.

I can't say exactly what you should or shouldn't do but I do think she needs to learn to help as opposed to you learning to tolerate her selfish behavior.

Hatzlacha and B'shah Tovah!
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morah









  
Post Posted: Wed, May 02 2012, 7:39 pm       Post subject: Re: re: how to come to terms with 13 y/o DD who wont help ou
amother wrote:
I don't want to give advice because I don't have teenage daughters however I do want to say it's not something you have to come to terms with.

It's something she must come to terms with. She must learn to help. I'd say she has to earn her keep. Her clothes toys games going to camp etc. She's a big girl When I was 13 I was making pesach already and cooking for shabbos.

I can't say exactly what you should or shouldn't do but I do think she needs to learn to help as opposed to you learning to tolerate her selfish behavior.

Hatzlacha and B'shah Tovah!


Thumbs Up Thumbs Up Thumbs Up

I don't have any teenagers yet either, but I am a high school teacher, so I am familiar with teenage shenanigans Smile What this amother said; also, you are doing nobody any favors by allowing this to continue. If your daughter doesn't learn these skills now, how will she handle her own household? Believe me, these things are best learned growing up, not on the fly after marriage. It will be really difficult to make her start when you haven't insisted until now, but do what you have to do, and eventually she'll step up. Warn her things are about to change and then follow through. Ignore the kvetching, the cries of "Mom, I HATE you!" and just stay consistent. When she realizes you mean business, she'll do it. She'll gripe for a while, but she'll thank you a decade from now.
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StrongIma









  
Post Posted: Wed, May 02 2012, 11:46 pm       Post subject: re: how to come to terms with 13 y/o DD who wont help out!
well, I do have kids this age and I know how difficult it can be. some ideas that may (or may not) help:

* keep it simple and direct - "can you help me for 20 minutes before you xyz (ie go shopping with friends, study for your test, etc.)"
* "if you need x from me, it will make it much easier if you do y"
* grin and bear it and wait for her to wake up and actually (gasp) offer to help. yes, it can happen - but only after you've swallowed your anger and taken a real interest in her life.

Hug Hug

remember - they do grow up iyh - the bad news is that she may become very helpful only after she's moved out and discovered for herself what it means to keep house. (or she mqy come home to bask in your comfort and supportiveness. *sigh*)
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The results of our actions are not up to us or even necessarily a direct consequence of them. The only thing that's really in our power is our perspective, that everything that happens is for the (our) good.
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chani8









  
Post Posted: Thu, May 03 2012, 12:51 am       Post subject: re: how to come to terms with 13 y/o DD who wont help out!
It soo has to do with personality, then, because if birth order responsibility isn't enough to get her to help you, then she is just not the type to help. I have one of those, not the oldest, and a boy, so it is much easier to deal with. He will take care of himself a little bit (regarding food mainly), but be totally helpless otherwise, and never help.

I just accept it, decided I am glad I'm not married to him, and find other ways. I do make him take care of all of his own stuff though, even doing his own laundry. But he doesn't have to help others. When he wants to, he can be spontaneously helpful, but to have set obligations, forget it. He fails with those ones. As it is, the laundry issue is very difficult for him to keep up with.

That doesn't help you OP, on a practical level, but maybe you will feel less furious if you realize some people are just very self-absorbed and don't want to help others.

So practically speaking, get hired help asap if you can.
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chani8









  
Post Posted: Thu, May 03 2012, 12:57 am       Post subject: Re: re: how to come to terms with 13 y/o DD who wont help ou
StrongIma wrote:
well, I do have kids this age and I know how difficult it can be. some ideas that may (or may not) help:

* keep it simple and direct - "can you help me for 20 minutes before you xyz (ie go shopping with friends, study for your test, etc.)"
* "if you need x from me, it will make it much easier if you do y"
* grin and bear it and wait for her to wake up and actually (gasp) offer to help. yes, it can happen - but only after you've swallowed your anger and taken a real interest in her life.

Hug Hug

remember - they do grow up iyh - the bad news is that she may become very helpful only after she's moved out and discovered for herself what it means to keep house. (or she mqy come home to bask in your comfort and supportiveness. *sigh*)


StrongIma, your advice is excellent and practical. I may try this at home. Proceeding with caution (no expectations of miracles), of course. Very Happy
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amother









  
Post Posted: Thu, May 03 2012, 7:31 am       Post subject: re: how to come to terms with 13 y/o DD who wont help out!
You should also perhaps, find out if there is a reason she doesn't like helping.

For example, I was the oldest girl, and was always expected to help. I always felt like I was required to do so much and always criticized for it. For example, if I cooked something for shabbos, instead of just getting a thank you, I got a thank you, but your forgot to clean the counters, etc. Or I always heard this - "You really should help out more, all the girls your age help their parents".

I became very resentful of not being "good enough" or always being complained to. Therefore, I helped as absolutely little as possible.

Usually, when a child in her teens is asking for assistance regarding easy, simple things, like slicing an apple, it's more a request for attention, etc.

Perhaps this is going on with your daughter as well. I am not saying this is the case, just suggesting an alternative view.
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BrachaC









  
Post Posted: Thu, May 03 2012, 11:01 am       Post subject: re: how to come to terms with 13 y/o DD who wont help out!
I have a similiar oldest DD- fast aproaching 12. In response to all the posters who say you don't have to come to terms with it- I disagree- you have to figure out how to be mechanech this child with her own personality and challenges- but you do have to come to terms with her not being the very helpful stereotypical oldest child who is so "geshikt" and knows how to run a family by the time she is 14. I agree with all the suggestions of structured jobs and expectations, because they are about her chinuch. That kid that knows it will mean so much to you for her to have cleaned up the kitchen while you were at PTA? She is not showing up.
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Simple1









  
Post Posted: Thu, May 03 2012, 11:03 am       Post subject: Re: re: how to come to terms with 13 y/o DD who wont help ou
BrachaC wrote:
I have a similiar oldest DD- fast aproaching 12. In response to all the posters who say you don't have to come to terms with it- I disagree- you have to figure out how to be mechanech this child with her own personality and challenges- but you do have to come to terms with her not being the very helpful stereotypical oldest child who is so "geshikt" and knows how to run a family by the time she is 14. I agree with all the suggestions of structured jobs and expectations, because they are about her chinuch. That kid that knows it will mean so much to you for her to have cleaned up the kitchen while you were at PTA? She is not showing up.


I agree. I heard that you shouldn't get kids to do chores in order to relieve your burden but rather to train them. If you need more help you have to hire someone to do it.
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yksraya









  
Post Posted: Thu, May 03 2012, 11:09 am       Post subject: re: how to come to terms with 13 y/o DD who wont help out!
as others posted above: make a list of chores and let her pick what she wants to do. tell her to choose 2/3 things off the list.
you can also try promising her something big if she will help out allot say for 2 weeks or a month.
she's a big girl.you should have a talk with her how it's hard for you to do so much yourself and you need her help. say that in a calm way not when you are stressed out or upset.
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amother









  
Post Posted: Thu, May 03 2012, 12:33 pm       Post subject: Re: re: how to come to terms with 13 y/o DD who wont help ou
amother wrote:
Your DD should be helping out as she is more then old enough for the responsibility.

It can also breed resentment from the other children who help out and will wonder why 13 year old doesn't have to help and they do.

I would make a chore list and the children will have a different chore each day. Ones who do their chores will be rewarded and ones who don't will have consequences.

Since I have the chore list things are much easier in my house, far from perfect but I gave birth to children not angels Laughing

Hatzlacha

OP here:
So being that I've been a mom for quite some time-it's not that she doesn't have some regular things that she does, all my kids do and she only needs gentle reminders once in a while for those things. She prepares the shabbos licht, she serves at the shabbos meal (which is starting to bother me, I will elaborate)...She brings up the girls clothing from the drying rack...But I need more substantial help not just her little chores. I have cleaning help once a week and I don't rlly need more (well even if I did I can't afford). It's more like if I ask her to put up a pot of water, she will say she can't find the pot or she'll do it soon... It's her way of not wanting to do anything more than she must must do.
As far as serving at the meal, I keep asking her to help prepare the food onto the platter or get the serving dishes but she'll just stand there till it's all prepared and I hand it to her to bring into the dining room 2 steps away! If there's no serving fork in it and I tell her to get one she'll say what kind. These are dumb questions and she's very bright.
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amother









  
Post Posted: Thu, May 03 2012, 12:38 pm       Post subject: Re: re: how to come to terms with 13 y/o DD who wont help ou
saw50st8 wrote:
Make a list of age appropriate household chores and ask her to pick a certain amount (based on how much time she has).

Explain to her that as she gets older, she gets more freedom and more responsibility. If she can't handle the responsibility, then she can't go out to her friends unsupervised. Since you are pregnant, tired and busy, that probably won't be too often.


OP here (what does OP stand for?)
she helps out with her regular chores (she has a few) but there's a great deal of impromptu tasks that come up and I can't list them before they happen. Last erev shabbos I was so nauseous that I couldn't make the chopped meat into meatballs so I asked her to do it. She said maybe later. She has done this before but wasn't in the mood. As far as more freedom I guess I'm not so ready to give her more--she doesn't always realize time so well and can stay outside too late without reminders.
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amother









  
Post Posted: Thu, May 03 2012, 12:45 pm       Post subject: Re: re: how to come to terms with 13 y/o DD who wont help ou
Simple1 wrote:
I've found that kids were more likely to do chores when I did a good job training them in. Even if you think it's easy for you, it's a good idea to give explicit directions and demos.

If all else fails, she may need another year or two to mature and be ready for more responsibilities.

OP I think you have a very valid point. I should have more patience training her that might help. Thanks!
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amother









  
Post Posted: Thu, May 03 2012, 12:48 pm       Post subject: Re: re: how to come to terms with 13 y/o DD who wont help ou
BrachaC wrote:
I have a similiar oldest DD- fast aproaching 12. In response to all the posters who say you don't have to come to terms with it- I disagree- you have to figure out how to be mechanech this child with her own personality and challenges- but you do have to come to terms with her not being the very helpful stereotypical oldest child who is so "geshikt" and knows how to run a family by the time she is 14. I agree with all the suggestions of structured jobs and expectations, because they are about her chinuch. That kid that knows it will mean so much to you for her to have cleaned up the kitchen while you were at PTA? She is not showing up.

OP here-thanks for your response! I know she's not that geshikt type so I will have to mourn that. She has responsibilities but will never look to give an "extra" helping hand. I need help with the patience and chinuch aspect of this situation.
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