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How Long to Send Away Kids After Birth?
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amother


 

Post Fri, May 04 2012, 11:24 am
Mamushka, I would pay for help too if I needed (and could afford it) it since I don't have family help. But I don't think it's normal among most Americans to move in with their family for a month or have their mom move in with them. The two are not comparable at all. And girls expect it with their first and second child, I'm not talking about those with half a dozen or more.
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amother


 

Post Fri, May 04 2012, 11:29 am
In my situation, it was the opposite, when I had my second my dd was 26 months old,
And I would've sent her to away only for 1 week.
But my mil, where she was staying at insisted on 2 weeks min.-to 3 weeks
Saying how a yidishe momma needs her rest!!!
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twerpz




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 04 2012, 11:31 am
I went away for two weeks to close family when my mother gave birth to my siblings and was not affected by it. in the long run the child benefits as they will get back to a more rested mommy, if possible.

do what works for you.
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Tova




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 04 2012, 12:35 pm
amother wrote:
Well PP, if it makes you feel better, this whole setup is a frum thing. In the regular world no one moves in with you or the other way around. (at least not where I come from in the tristate area) A family member or friend may drop in here and there to help a bit but that's it. Maybe it's b/c women are generally older when they begin their families. A 21 y old having a baby is still quite young herself but a 30 yr old has been taking care of herself for quite some time and most likely would never want to move in with her family for a few weeks.

Anyhow, I've never had any help either, nor is my husband around much. I think it makes me so much more self sufficient and I'm proud of that. The "girls" who move in with their mamas for a month postpartum are also the ones who don't make pesach and have various other expectations of what family needs to be doing for them, imo.


I don't agree. I didn't move into my parents after my kids were born (technically for my oldest I came home during Shavous - discharged after tzeis the first day - so the cab took us to my parents. But I went back home the morning after Y"T was over) but I happen to currently be recuperating at my parents after a medical procedure that knocked me off my feet a bit. No one farmed anyone out - our whole family moved in. But when recovering it's SO nice to be taken care of, helped, have the company, etc. Frankly, aside from the medical recovery I'm dealing with, I'm having a blast with my mom and sister. I feel really lucky for this. I make my own Pesach each year and have zero expectations from parents; in fact I'm quite independent. I'm so happy for anyone that can move in with her family postpartum to a loving healthy situation where she will be able to recover more comfortably. Sending children away I can't relate to and would be a punishment for me - I'd want my whole family together and would take joy in how the older kids interact with the baby. I also want to be there every day for my children, if not to directly take care of their physical needs at least their emotional ones.
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honeygold




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 04 2012, 1:17 pm
Growing up I remember going away when my mom had a baby and I had no issue with it. I got enough attention from the people I stayed by and I was excited about a new baby in the family.

I recently gave birth to my second child and had to send away my dd who is 16 months old. I went straight from the hospital to see her and took her home for the night. When she first saw me she seemed a bit angry at me but she warmed up after a few minutes. Then for the next week she went back to my parents but she came to visit me almost everyday. The end of that week was pesach so I came to sleep over for shabos/pesach and then for the second seder we took her home, and she has been home since.
It was a bit hard to have her away but I knew I needed the rest. Also knowing that she was in good hands made me much calmer.

So to the Op, if you have help take advantage of it. You need your rest cuz once the kids come back home it will be hard work.
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buzz




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, May 05 2012, 6:08 am
I personally can't imagine ever doing it, I couldn't imagine doing it to my kids. And I am soon due with my 4th IY"H and my oldest is 4.5..

If you have the option and feel a need do it, and if a kid misses you let them come home..
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amother


 

Post Sat, May 05 2012, 11:08 am
Sorry, I think the while practice is crazy. I stock my freezer with food for several weeks & get extra cleaning help. But I could never, ever send my kids away or even let a day go by without seeing them.
They are my kids & my responsibility.
Oh & I have c-sections so recovery is no picnic.
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ewa-jo




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, May 05 2012, 3:59 pm
I wish I had a place for my kids to go to! (my parents are halfway across the world, plus they are in their 70's) I think it's a huge help to a new mom.

If any imamothers want my kids next time I have a baby, please PM me. They're quite cute.. as you can see on my profile pic. Wink
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, May 05 2012, 6:28 pm
I understand the goal, but if the child is so small that he will bother you, I would be afraid to send him away "because of a sibling". And if he's bigger then he can be told to not bother too much.

The mom's state matters a lot, is she c'v sick or in big shape or somewhere in the middle. Does the dad have a paternity leave? how long? can the grandmom come? do they qualify for free or cheap help at home? can they afford help if they don't qualify?

With the hormones I missed Mati horribly and I gave birth on a Saturday and was out on Monday and saw her on Sunday too! Had I been allowed I would have been out on Sunday, for real LOL LOL
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 06 2012, 10:13 am
I agree that if you do this well, like sending to a nice grandparent, the child will not be scarred. Your child will, most likely, be fine.

But unless I hade complications after delivery, I would never even consider this. It's completely unacceptable in American culture and I see it as a huge sign of weakness. Sorry to be obnoxious. If you can't take care of your kids and a baby for two weeks, what makes you think you'll be able to do it for 18 years? You are simply abdicating your responsibility to your other children, for the sake of convenience. That's okay for a weekend getaway, but for two weeks? With small children?
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observer




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 06 2012, 11:05 am
I also don't get it. In my circles, it's definitely not done and even if it was, I wouldn't feel comfortable sending away my kids for two weeks (and some send away for 4 weeks!) I know it's important to rest up after having a baby but people in other circles manage without sending away their other kids. It's hard but people do it because their children are their children. Children need their mommy, and usually just the time in the hospital is enough time without mommy.
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mommyhood




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 06 2012, 11:11 am
marina wrote:
I agree that if you do this well, like sending to a nice grandparent, the child will not be scarred. Your child will, most likely, be fine.

But unless I hade complications after delivery, I would never even consider this. It's completely unacceptable in American culture and I see it as a huge sign of weakness. Sorry to be obnoxious. If you can't take care of your kids and a baby for two weeks, what makes you think you'll be able to do it for 18 years? You are simply abdicating your responsibility to your other children, for the sake of convenience. That's okay for a weekend getaway, but for two weeks? With small children?

Who said it's unacceptable in American culture, in the frum circles is totally accepted. I know so many people who send their kids away for a week, even for 2 weeks and as many other amothers have said, they all seem unscarred.
Not being able to take care of your kids postartum has nothing to do with raising kids for the next 18 years. Maybe for some poeple its just for convenience but for others taking care of all their kids right after having a baby could lead to serious PPD or other issues. There's nothing wrong with recognizing that you need little help. For me getting help in the beginning is what helps me be self sufficient later. I don't think a mother is a help to her small children if she's a zombie.
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3 little 1s




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 06 2012, 2:25 pm
I personally havnt sent any of my kids away after birth (only when I have still been in hospital).. but I can see how sending kids away could work, if they are school age and would find sleeping out exciting. I think two weeks IS a long time though.

Not only long for the child, but long for the people hosting your child. Whether they are family or not.

OP, dont worry about what is the norm. Do what is best for you and your children. Nothing is written in stone. If you need 2 weeks, take two weeks. You can always change your mind.
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bnm




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 06 2012, 5:19 pm
I was in the hospital 6 days last time I gave birth. my daughter stayed at my parents but I had made arrangements with her daytime babysitter so she stayed longer there till my siblings finished school and where able to get her (extra 2 hours every day) she was out of the house from 9-5 everyday, my sisters just had to feed her and put her to bed. they didn't want to return her at almost 3 weeks, I physically went to pick her up, took her to the dr and she had bronchitis.... so yeh, next time if my siblings and mother insist on keeping the kid longer they can!
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 14 2012, 12:41 pm
mommyhood wrote:
marina wrote:
I agree that if you do this well, like sending to a nice grandparent, the child will not be scarred. Your child will, most likely, be fine.

But unless I hade complications after delivery, I would never even consider this. It's completely unacceptable in American culture and I see it as a huge sign of weakness. Sorry to be obnoxious. If you can't take care of your kids and a baby for two weeks, what makes you think you'll be able to do it for 18 years? You are simply abdicating your responsibility to your other children, for the sake of convenience. That's okay for a weekend getaway, but for two weeks? With small children?

Who said it's unacceptable in American culture, in the frum circles is totally accepted. I know so many people who send their kids away for a week, even for 2 weeks and as many other amothers have said, they all seem unscarred.
Not being able to take care of your kids postartum has nothing to do with raising kids for the next 18 years. Maybe for some poeple its just for convenience but for others taking care of all their kids right after having a baby could lead to serious PPD or other issues. There's nothing wrong with recognizing that you need little help. For me getting help in the beginning is what helps me be self sufficient later. I don't think a mother is a help to her small children if she's a zombie.


Please read what I wrote, how about that. If you are at risk of ppd or other complications after delivery, my post does not apply to you. And I also said the kid won't be traumatized. But is it good parenting? Uh.. no. If you can take care of all your kids at 1.9 weeks post partum, what makes you think you'll be able to do so at 2.3 weeks post partum or 5.2 weeks, for that matter?
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Hashem_Yaazor




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 14 2012, 12:55 pm
Marina, there is a BIG difference in energy levels at under 2 weeks, 4-6 weeks, and greater than 6 weeks.

I don't advocate sending out kids just because everyone else does it, but I can speak from experience that what you can't handle at under 2 weeks you can at 4. And what you can't at 4, you can at 6.

~Signed someone who was stupid enough to think shopping at Walmart at 16 days postbirth dragging a heavy shopping cart was ok because she felt fine.
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 14 2012, 1:19 pm
I should probably be less judgmental. There's a thought.
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