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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Moody young adults/teenagers



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amother


 

Post Sun, Dec 04 2011, 7:00 pm
I know I cant be in this boat alone but my senior in high school hates me one day and loves me the next. On the days she hates me she makes mince meat out of me. She feels I dont care about her, dont buy her things, just I dont do or the say the right thing. Dont wear the right clothes Im sure u get the picture. On the good days she is a caring nice young women. Im hurt and sad when she gets to be the mean girl. I dont know what I do wrong. I try so hard as hard as I tried for my other girls when they were her age. I know it is a hard time to go through but I don't remember being this hurt by all the mean things that are said to me.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 05 2011, 1:44 am
It's not you; it's your dd and there is little you can do but endure until she outgrows this stage. She's trying to become her own woman, and to do that she has to separate herself from you. she still depends on you for a lot and wants and needs the security of having you at her back, but at the same time she resents the fact that she needs you and wants to prove she doesn't.

You shouldn't tolerate out and out insolence, but try to ignore her nastiness if it doesn't cross the line. It's born more out of dissatisfaction with herself than anything else. Your older dds may have been less confrontational, but even so your dd's behavior sounds normal for her age. She's not her sisters and she may be more volatile than they are in general. Also, being younger, she may feel she has even more to prove than they did.

Be glad that in between times she's still loving. Some girls withdraw from their mothers and shut them out entirely. At least when she's loving it should be possible to show her that you're supportive and aren't rejecting her.

This, too, shall pass.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Dec 05 2011, 2:03 am
right there with you. This morning I had not even washed negel vasser when one dd decided to attack for me letting her younger sibs eat her yoghurts (her??? I pay for them!) I offered more money for her to run to the store (which is 1.5 minutes away) but not good enough.
Every time the doors slams, with no 'goodbyes', or she calls me to tell me 'all her friends tell her "I" must have a problem'. Or its my fault she has no nice clothes.
I have pointed out that her words are hurtful, especially when 5 minutes later they are followed by "hey mom, can I have some money for boots?"
Just have in mind her hormones are running wild and its hard for her to be so grown up and so dependent together at the same time.
And just take one day at a time - teenagers are not easy - they are by far my greatest challenge thus far.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Dec 05 2011, 2:44 am
Thank you so much for your responses.I am feeling so low probly as low as I could fee. I try so hard to be the mother she wants to have and it seems like I always fail. Someone else s mother act better,dresses better is nicer oh I dont know. I feel I am always there for them.For all my other girls that are grown now I was always busy with the babies...now I have no babies and Im still not doing enough.Im older Im tired and Im so stressed out from not doing the right thing in their eyes. My life revolves around them. Their schedules their babysitting jobs their homework...its all for them. Yes I work full time and so does my husband but I am lucky enough to work while they are at school so they cant even resent that.When they come home I am all theirs. I try to do all the things we were taught when we had little kids...give them time, dont talk on the phone during super time. listen to them talk .understand their feelings...but it seems that whatever I say or do if it is good enough it is good for the moment and that is just that the moment. HELP......
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amother


 

Post Mon, Dec 05 2011, 10:20 pm
all I can say is moody moody moody. Today she is my best daughter...loving caring driving car pools helping in the house I dont get it. I am drained...because I know if I say or look the wrong way at her she will turn into a cat...ouch help....
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paprika




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 05 2011, 10:34 pm
As zaq said it. She's separating from you, a phenomenon that must happen before she gets married. She still needs you, yet hates needing you.

An adult with this behavior would've long been thrown into a therapist's office. At this age it's 100% normal.

Just keep it cool. Don't take it personally, thus providing an environment that enables her to outgrow it. Getting insulted and arguing feeds the behavior.

Hatzlocha
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partystore




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 10 2012, 9:22 am
I learnt a great tip for moody hormonal teens.
have selective hearing- we dont always have to reply to these comments.doing so often turns the conversation into a table tennis match!
you can have selective hearing and ignore or let it pass.
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minnie mouse




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 10 2012, 12:36 pm
I could use some advice as well. When my teenage dd is in her moods, she lets it out on her younger sister. I don't know how to handle that. I feel sooo bad for my 8 yr. old dd, getting the brunt of her sister's anger. I feel like there is a yelling match in my house, almost daily.
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Merrymom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 10 2012, 12:41 pm
My teens always behave better in other people's homes, so I propose a trade. Anyone?

Just btw op, you are not describing anything unusual. It's her job in life to make you feel not good enough, not pretty enough, not fashionable enough, and anything else you want to add, I live it every day as well.
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wannagrow




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 22 2015, 12:12 am
I'm with you !

Yes agreed try so hard to be there both physically and emotionally for them. I am working so hard on my character as will as understanding the depth of parenting trying not to make the mistakes my parents did. Sometimes though yes it's as if I don't do a thing!

Sometimes I turn into a pinching bag for their emotional turmoil and I have a hard time with it. Emotionally and physically because I have things to do! So I wonder is it best not to be around? Sometimes I just have to go into my room and lock my door cause if I'm around and appear to be "free" and not busy with the little ones or if they're sleeping the attack begins.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 22 2015, 2:44 am
If you have had other teens before and you feel this one is behaving over the top, I think you should consider therapy for her. I was like that too, it was not a fun experience at all, I still have difficulties with moods and I regret that my parents didn't see my behavior as red flags and do more to help me before I ended up in an unstable marriage and unhappy adulthood. There's moods and there's mood disorders and just because teens have a reputation for being moody and hormonal doesn't mean they can't also have the added difficulty of a psychological problem. At the very least they could use help learning coping skills so they don't abuse you over running out of yogurt. Not saying your kids all have some disorder but if they do a therapist would be in a good position to figure it out, and could take the burden off you trying to figure out what they need.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 22 2015, 6:58 am
OP, I agree with everything zaq said.

Not only that, but it sounds like you need to work on your self esteem. You cannot let your value as a person be dependent on what a child thinks of you. Imagine your child owns two pairs of glasses, one pair has a rosy tint, and one pair is dark black. She may look at your through different glasses at different times, but the person she's looking at hasn't changed at all! The only thing that has changed is her perception.

You may do all the right things, but the way she responds will depend entirely on which pair of glasses she's wearing at the moment.

Get a grip on yourself, and acknowledge that you are doing the very best you can. You will make mistakes, and so will she. When she's older, she will forgive you for your mistakes, and you will forgive her for being a horrible teenager. It's nobody's fault, it's just that painful, awkward stage in life that makes everybody miserable from time to time.

If you feel like something is truly upsetting her and your mother's intuition is going off, then you can ask her if she'd like to talk to a professional about sorting out her problems. Maybe if she sits in a therapists office and complains about what a bad mother you are, she'll get some perspective on life.

Hang in there! I was an extremely difficult teen, and I grew up to love my mom and respect her immensely. She's gone now, and I have so many days that I wish I could pick up the phone and call her.

My DD is just starting to become a tween, and I have a feeling I'll be coming back to this thread many times over the next few years!
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 22 2015, 8:26 am
There is no reason in the world to tolerate nastiness from a teen. I wouldn't take it from a spouse, a sibling or an adult. The first time you let them get away with talking to you this way opens the door. I am never nasty and I don't expect to be treated with any disrespect. I have teens. They tried the moodiness a couple of times and were sent away to their rooms. They also lost many privileges and possessions for extremely long periods of time. That was the last time anyone tried.

Next time your daughter is nasty, strip her room of everything but essentials and not allow her any privileges such as phone and friends for 6 weeks. If she starts to behave gradually give them back but quietly.

I have very nice extremely indulged teens. They know one outburst loses them all their extras.
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