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Spinoff - Rude DIL - Is this generation rude?



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amother


 

Post Tue, Oct 16 2012, 11:00 am
I have a brother who needs money. I gave him $850 baby gift. His wife never called to thank me.

I have tried calling her in the past, and she never returns my calls.

I once watched her kids for an afternoon, and she never thanked me.

Is this the new normal? shock
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Faigy86




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 16 2012, 11:07 am
I don't know what to say about the generation in general, but the situation that you are describing sounds like a typical "I'm so embarrassed that I'm needy that I can't even recognize that I was helped" Not to say that it is a good thing, but I can understand where they are coming from especially if they are never able to be on the giving end..
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 16 2012, 11:08 am
No, it is not the new "normal." However, it is also not "normal" to extrapolate from the behavior of a single nuclear family to an entire generation.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Oct 16 2012, 11:17 am
As far as the $850 baby gift, she may embarassed that u helped them financially. I know when DH's parents help us, I NEVER thank them. I wouldn't want to embarrass my DH by acknowledging to his parents that DH and I are struggling financially- it is embarrassing enough he has to ask them to help us, and I wouldnt make it worse for him by bringing it up. For me, it is enough he says thank you.

It is rude she did not thank you for watching her kids.

It is not normal she does not return your calls, unless, again she is embarrassed to have taken the help from you.
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 16 2012, 11:25 am
As fast back as ancient Rome, Cicero was complaining about about the next generation's lack of manners.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 16 2012, 11:44 am
amother wrote:
As far as the $850 baby gift, she may embarassed that u helped them financially. I know when DH's parents help us, I NEVER thank them. I wouldn't want to embarrass my DH by acknowledging to his parents that DH and I are struggling financially- it is embarrassing enough he has to ask them to help us, and I wouldnt make it worse for him by bringing it up. For me, it is enough he says thank you.

.


I appreciate your sensitivity to dh, but may I suggest, gently, that you thank your ils on your own, privately, not in front of dh? It may be "enough for you" that dh thanks them, but it's not about you OR about dh. It's about hakaras hatov and having the good manners to thank someone. Your financial situation has no bearing on the issue. There's pride, and then there's rudeness.

Whether or not OP intended her gift to help her brother and sil financially, what she did was give them a very generous baby gift and do them the favor of not presuming to decide for them what the baby needs or wants. If they used it to pay their outstanding bill at the grocery, that's their business and does not change the fact that they owe OP a thank you. To fail to thank a person for a gift, small or large, regardless of how it was intended, is the act of a boor.

Manners don't cost money. Being in a tight spot financially does not exempt people from the basic courtesies, even if their pride is hurt that they cannot reciprocate someone else's generosity.

Let's put it another way: Suppose you had given someone a generous gift, either just because you like them or because you want to help them out of a tight spot. How would YOU feel if they failed to thank you?
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amother


 

Post Tue, Oct 16 2012, 11:47 am
Maybe she doesn't know about the gift, maybe he used the money to pay the rent and didn't want her to know that he couldn't pay the rent without help, we've helped bil before without sil knowing.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Oct 16 2012, 12:53 pm
zaq wrote:
amother wrote:
As far as the $850 baby gift, she may embarassed that u helped them financially. I know when DH's parents help us, I NEVER thank them. I wouldn't want to embarrass my DH by acknowledging to his parents that DH and I are struggling financially- it is embarrassing enough he has to ask them to help us, and I wouldnt make it worse for him by bringing it up. For me, it is enough he says thank you.

.


I appreciate your sensitivity to dh, but may I suggest, gently, that you thank your ils on your own, privately, not in front of dh? It may be "enough for you" that dh thanks them, but it's not about you OR about dh. It's about hakaras hatov and having the good manners to thank someone. Your financial situation has no bearing on the issue. There's pride, and then there's rudeness.

Whether or not OP intended her gift to help her brother and sil financially, what she did was give them a very generous baby gift and do them the favor of not presuming to decide for them what the baby needs or wants. If they used it to pay their outstanding bill at the grocery, that's their business and does not change the fact that they owe OP a thank you. To fail to thank a person for a gift, small or large, regardless of how it was intended, is the act of a boor.

Manners don't cost money. Being in a tight spot financially does not exempt people from the basic courtesies, even if their pride is hurt that they cannot reciprocate someone else's generosity.

Let's put it another way: Suppose you had given someone a generous gift, either just because you like them or because you want to help them out of a tight spot. How would YOU feel if they failed to thank you?


My parents help us financially too. I thank them. DH doesnt and my parents dont mind that. DH's parents do not even know that I know they gave him money- all the asking and receiving cash goes through him. As PP noted, this cld be the case there too.

If I knew DH helped his sister/parents/whoever I would NOT want thanks or accolades. I want them to enjoy having some dignity and not have to thank me for having enough cash to be able to help them financially. Also, OP did not say that no-one thanked her- she said her SIL did not thank her. Presumably her brother did?

If, on the other hand, it was a gift of a non-financial nature- lets say a Bugaboo which costs around $850 then yes I would definitely be on the phone saying thank you as this seems more of a 'gift' as opposed to cold hard cash which would b very embarrassing for me to accept.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Oct 16 2012, 12:59 pm
zaq wrote:
amother wrote:
As far as the $850 baby gift, she may embarassed that u helped them financially. I know when DH's parents help us, I NEVER thank them. I wouldn't want to embarrass my DH by acknowledging to his parents that DH and I are struggling financially- it is embarrassing enough he has to ask them to help us, and I wouldnt make it worse for him by bringing it up. For me, it is enough he says thank you.

.


I appreciate your sensitivity to dh, but may I suggest, gently, that you thank your ils on your own, privately, not in front of dh? It may be "enough for you" that dh thanks them, but it's not about you OR about dh. It's about hakaras hatov and having the good manners to thank someone. Your financial situation has no bearing on the issue. There's pride, and then there's rudeness.
My FIL recently gave us a large gift- he gave dh a large amount of money to invest in a business. I don't know whether or not dh thanked his father, but yesterday I called my fil at work and told him, "Ta, I just want to thank you for the money you gave DH for the business-- I appreciate the gift and the confidence you have in dh that he will use it well."
He was taken aback and said--"Well, what else would I do with it? Who else to give money to if not my own son? What would I do, buy a bigger matzeiva?" And I told him--"Yes, but I still appreciate it. Thank you!"

I feel that what goes on between dh and his father is not really up to me, but I can control what I do.
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imaima




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 16 2012, 1:01 pm
amother wrote:
I have a brother who needs money. I gave him $850 baby gift. His wife never called to thank me.

I have tried calling her in the past, and she never returns my calls.

I once watched her kids for an afternoon, and she never thanked me.

Is this the new normal? shock


No it's not normal.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 16 2012, 3:38 pm
amother wrote:
My FIL recently gave us a large gift- he gave dh a large amount of money to invest in a business. I don't know whether or not dh thanked his father, but yesterday I called my fil at work and told him, "Ta, I just want to thank you for the money you gave DH for the business-- I appreciate the gift and the confidence you have in dh that he will use it well."
He was taken aback and said--"Well, what else would I do with it? Who else to give money to if not my own son? What would I do, buy a bigger matzeiva?" And I told him--"Yes, but I still appreciate it. Thank you!"

I feel that what goes on between dh and his father is not really up to me, but I can control what I do.


good for you! well done! and even though your fil pooh-poohed it, I'm sure he was deeply pleased.
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 16 2012, 5:02 pm
I always try to thank my mil and she always pooh-poohs it,too, but a) I think she secretly enjoys me thanking her and b) on my own part, to show no hakoros hatov would be awful!
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 16 2012, 5:03 pm
and on a sort of related note- you don't think that rude dil's make rude mil's eventually?
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 16 2012, 5:12 pm
octopus wrote:
and on a sort of related note- you don't think that rude dil's make rude mil's eventually?


certainly possible. and it's also possible the other way around, of course.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 17 2012, 6:16 am
octopus wrote:
and on a sort of related note- you don't think that rude dil's make rude mil's eventually?


I expect so. It would take a saint to withstand continuous rudeness without succumbing to the temptation to retaliate in kind.
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observer




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 19 2012, 7:26 am
zaq wrote:
octopus wrote:
and on a sort of related note- you don't think that rude dil's make rude mil's eventually?


I expect so. It would take a saint to withstand continuous rudeness without succumbing to the temptation to retaliate in kind.


I understood her to mean that the same women that are rude as dils are going to be rude when they become mils themselves.
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yksraya




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 19 2012, 7:35 am
perhaps her dh did not tell her you gave him the money. did your brother thank you for it?
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 19 2012, 7:55 am
observer wrote:
zaq wrote:
octopus wrote:
and on a sort of related note- you don't think that rude dil's make rude mil's eventually?


I expect so. It would take a saint to withstand continuous rudeness without succumbing to the temptation to retaliate in kind.


I understood her to mean that the same women that are rude as dils are going to be rude when they become mils themselves.


OH! I see what you mean. For sure, unless they experience some sort of etiquette epiphany along the way.
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scrltfr




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 01 2012, 11:53 am
My in laws are very generous to us and no matter how small the item is I always go out of my way to thank them and they in return tell me there is no reason to thank them and to stop it. I will never stop, I never want to assume that they will give us things. I want to always appreciate anything I am given especially out of love. Sorry but there is never an excuse not to say thank you no matter how embarrassed you may be.
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