5 yr old super defiant/oppositional

amother

Tue, Nov 20 2012, 4:11 am

She's being impossible to deal with lately. I can't wait to send her to school and dread the time she comes home. She fights with all her siblings, crawls between my legs when they attempt to get back at her, is super chutzpah to me, I just can't handle her.

For example, last night in the bath, when I wanted to wash her, she said she still wants to play. I said fine but soon ill be busy with the baby, you'll need to wash yourself. She said fine (she knows how). Sure enough as soon as I started nursing she calls from the bath "I'm not washing myself you have to help me" I told her I'm feeding the baby she needs to do it herself. In the end I gave in since she was yelling and waking my toddler. My older dd held my screaming baby while I rushed to bathe 5 yr old. Sure enough she still wanted to play after, there was no need to rush...
I know kids can act out after mom has a baby, but I give her tons of extra attention, let things go like her wanting a head band vs a pony, etc. She shrieks and tantrums when she doesn't get her way, gets physical too.

What can I do? I feel my resentment showing, like I can't do things lovingly with her anymore since she just makes me nuts.

Any advice?

amother

Tue, Nov 20 2012, 4:37 am

I know how difficult this is, but from your post it appears that you are reinforcing her negative behavior. You say no and then give in. As I was told once, children are gamblers and they will continue to attempt to get away with something - if it doesn't work the first or tenth time, maybe it will the 20th time.

Yes, I understand you have a baby and other kids. Your DD is using bad behavior to get what she wants and she's succeeding. You may have to let her wake up the toddler and deal with more chaos in the short term to get more peace in the long term.

Have your tried time out? Do have a safe place where she can be alone - I'm going take a wild guess and assume that she won't go meekly to time out.

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic. Good luck.

manyhats

Tue, Nov 20 2012, 11:17 am

DD,

Things have gotten very rough since birth of new born. All those fights with siblings. It can't go on. B/C we are a family.

So things are going to be different for now on.

You have 2 choices.
You stay with me the whole time
You stay by yourself in your room.
When I see that you are better ,,,,,,,,

Chayalle

Tue, Nov 20 2012, 11:31 am

I have a very strong-minded 4 1/2 year old so coming from there.....

Totally agree with previous posters - CONSISTENCY is the key. No is no. A warning is a warning.

You are teaching her responsibility. If she chooses something she will have to follow thru. She choses to play in the tub - she will have to wash up herself.

It's not easy. But if I say no I will have to stick to my no. And it'll be harder for me because she will annoy everyone and is very persistent trying to get me to back down.

But B"H I have seen tremendous improvement, because she knows that if she misbehaves she WILL get consequences....time out, or a withheld privelege, etc...

In above example, you would have to repeatedly say "I love you and I know you want Mommy to wash you but you chose to stay in the tub and now you have to keep your word".

Even if your toddler wakes up, it's worth the price in the long run.

It's great that you also recognize that she is emotionally needy, especially now with the new baby. Try to continue to find time that you can give to her exclusively, like a cuddle or reading a book or a game, or special activity (play dough, finger paints, etc...) to fill her emotional needs and get some of her energy out.....it does wonders.

the world's best mom

Tue, Nov 20 2012, 2:53 pm

Yes, consistency is important- but showing your dd tons of love is equally or more important. When your child deserves a hug the least, that's when she needs it the most.

So, if I was giving my dc a bath and she wouldn't let me wash her yet, I would say too I'm sorry, you can play in a minute, but I need to wash you you now. And then I would wash her. Even if she screams. But I would be sympathetic and loving about it.

Also, make sure to cuddle and enjoy her company when she is not in the bath. Schedule regular special time with just you and dd, no baby or toddler allowed. Have dh or a babysitter watch the other kids.