BIG TZNIUS yetzer hara

amother

Thu, Dec 06 2012, 1:46 pm

I lost a lot of weight, close to 134 lbs about 5 yrs ago. I was always heavy my whole life, so now I have this yetzer hara to wear things that arent NOT tznius, (and in our family, we are a pantyhose elbow covering knee covering type of family), but arent in the spirit of tznius. Ive got myself a few times, and sometimes DH eyes what I am wearing and says softly to me, "Are you sure you want to wear that? Would you want our daughter to wear that?" He doesnt mean in it a guilt tripping way, he means it in a way, I know this is deep down you type of way, and he also knows about these yetzer hara.

Im TRYING my best to overcome it, I did a purge of my closet now and gave the questionable items away to a gemach (bc whats tznius on one isnt tznius on the other). I just feel so proud of myself I can wear things that I couldnt before.

Has anyone else been here and what did you do to help overcome it?

amother

Thu, Dec 06 2012, 2:16 pm

Wow, that's an awesome accomplishment! Keep up the good work!
Buy some saxy lingerie or a belly-dance costume and admire yourself in the mirror. Do a little shimmy-shimmy-bump and pretend you're a burlesque queen. Grab your hairbrush and mug with it as if it were a microphone and you a music video star. IOW have a healthy active fantasy life and be as brazen as you like in it. Put on a saxy show for dh if you're ok with that hashkafically.

amother

Bronze

Thu, Dec 06 2012, 2:36 pm

good job!!! that must have taken a lot of effort on your part- both the losing weight and fighting the yetzer hara now- I agree with the previous posters- there's a time and place for everything- enjoy the fact that EVERYTHING probably looks better on you and get yourself some sezy stuff to wear in front of DH etc. I'll be the first to admit that my lingerie is more for me then DH- I like how I look and he likes me to be happy Smile

Last edited by amother on Fri, Oct 27 2017, 11:06 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Thu, Dec 06 2012, 5:31 pm

Thank Hashem for all the weight you lost and remember that you look very good now and you don't need to show up your body any more than that. Good luck it is a nisayon but maybe when you have the yetzer hara to dress like that have in mind that you won't in order to show hakaras hatov to Hashem.

amother

Sun, Jan 06 2013, 1:36 pm

I also lost a lot of weight a few years ago and now I am slim and the sknniest I've been my whole adult life. I can TOTALLY commiserate with you, the yetzer harah is much greater. I go to a bi-monthly peninim tznius group and it helps my awareness tremendously. There are so many things that are not black or white in the area of tznius and it's more of a general sensitivity to kedushah or pritzus. When I go to these meetings it helps heighten my sensitivity towards what's wrong and it helps that I have the support of the others in my group to grow.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Jan 06 2013, 1:47 pm

One of the things I've learned in therapy is that what you think is the issue, is usually just the outer shell of the real issue.

IMHO, it's not about tznius, it's about WHY you think you need to dress that way. What do you get out of it, that you feel you need in your life? Self esteem, feeling good about yourself and your new body, zexual attraction, all of this needs to come from within. By dressing in a revealing way, you're asking other people to validate you. The problem is, it doesn't work, because if you don't feel like you deserve to be validated, then all the validation in the world won't make you feel it deep down.

Do guys whistling or staring at you make you feel good? If so, how long does that feeling last before your doubts come back? Once you get a grip on your internal dialog, you'll find that the desire to get outside validation will disappear, and dressing like that will no longer be an issue for you. Your inner confidence and glowing beauty will make the most modest outfit look classy and lovely, and yes, even zexy!

On the other hand, if you rely on the validation of others, there will be the constant fear that the second you start to gain weight, that you will no longer be worthy of admiration. That fear is driving your wardrobe choices right now. If you can, please see a therapist, even if just for a short time. You need to learn that your are a Bas Melech, and that you deserve love, respect and attention REGARDLESS of how you dress or how much you weigh.

Congratulations on losing the physical weight, now it's time to let go of the psychological weight that is holding you down. Hatzlachah!

shirachadasha

Sun, Jan 06 2013, 10:33 pm

I'm guessing that you spent countless hours of your life in the past thinking "what do people think of me this way? What would they think of me if I weighed 100+ pounds less?". It's only natural that you want to show the world what you accomplished.
It's good that you realize this for the nisayon that it is. Good luck doing what you know is right.

Dolly Welsh

Sun, Jan 06 2013, 10:39 pm

Right. Be xexy at home. When the kids aren't around. Is your hair shiny enough?

http://www.wilshirewigs.com/No......html

You are required to not flaunt your anatomy, but if you like walking around goodlooking you can be, within reason and taste, by having sparky hair. Nicely. Reasonably. I guess I am asking you to sublimate a little.

Last edited by Dolly Welsh on Sun, Jan 06 2013, 10:52 pm; edited 1 time in total

Clarissa

Sun, Jan 06 2013, 10:42 pm

I think that the flip side is true -- women who are uncomfortable looking like whatever they consider s*xually attractive sometimes pack on the pounds to bury that feeling. Here's the thing, though. There are great clothes that you can buy at your new size.

It sounds like your husband may be a little nervous about how fabulous you look at your new size. Maybe talk about that with him. You may be a hot ticket now, but your heart belongs to him.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Jan 07 2013, 9:06 pm

Clarissa wrote:

I think that the flip side is true -- women who are uncomfortable looking like whatever they consider s*xually attractive sometimes pack on the pounds to bury that feeling.

My mom was zexually abused. She got married at 16, and immediately started gaining weight. When she passed away she was over 300 lbs. She even told me that she was terrified of being "too attractive". My dad adored her no matter what, but my mom still had a lot of fear of being skinny.