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Hachnosas Kallah-help pay for wedding?
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sky




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 21 2010, 12:19 pm
amother wrote:
amother wrote:
amother wrote:
Barbara wrote:
Donning my flameproof suit, but WADR, if you can't afford it, you should not host a $10,000 wedding. Its one evening out of the hopefully thousands that the young couple will spend together. Have a quiet ceremony for immediate family at the shul, and leave it at that.


I would, but there are other people besides ME to consider-like the Kallah the Chosson, and the other family. If I say that I can't/won't pay for anything more than a small shul ceremony, how do you think the relationship between the 2 sides will be? We should start out with animosity?


Don't worry, you're not alone, in your attitude and situation. Let's daven for each other.
Ok, so not a 10k wedding. You can do at Bais Faiga for a k or two less. But it still has to be done. And this is with gowns from gemachs that are truly gemachs, a generous shower, the kids buying a LOT for themselves and support not even an option. There are still some minimums, and we have been advised by good rebbetzins that we're not in Europe anymore, just get the kids married and we'll help you with a bekovodik (albeit as modest as possible) simcha. Still waiting...


Thank you for understanding. A kallah who lives in america, and goes to many weddings, will feel very bad if her wedding is clearly shvach. As for bais faiga-it would come out more expensive as most of my cousins live there and would come. Fewer will travel to brooklyn Confused so I would save at that end. My tefillos will be with you too.


Don't invite them for the etire wedding. In Lakewood it is very normal to only be invited to a simchas chassan v'kallah. Include a time on the invitation for it to make it clear. And having the extra guests dancing makes the wedding more fun.
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ysydmom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 21 2010, 12:38 pm
Okay use your resources, first of all depending when they get married putting up tents in someone's backyard might be cheaper than a hall. second of all use all your resources ask your friends to help one does some cooking, one can fix up a dress that maybe a friend has in the closet, one can help with makeup etc.

There are ways to use everyone you know to pull this wedding off and to the posters that write it's only one night - yes exactly the wedding is what makes the rest of their lives and especially the first year special. they should have a nice wedding no need to spend tons of money though.

As for a suit for the chossen call up a few stores and ask them to donate better yet walk in with a letter they will donate I have done this for various organizations before. even for the kallah get stores to donate they get a tax deduction you get things for the wedding. It's also called tzedakah we are rachmanim bnei rachmanim we need to help each other.

From the posters whatever you can send to this kallah/chossen do so I'm sure some of you own business that can ship over a tie, shirt, shoes things for the house, a sheitel, headcoverings? if not send over a gift certificate to an online store if you have the money for tzedakah to give.

let's help out and get it together.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Jun 21 2010, 11:07 pm
ROFL wrote:
PinkFridge wrote:
ROFL wrote:
I am sorry to ask you this. But did you think what would happen when your child started dating? What did you expect to happen? Didn't you know that you would need money for a wedding?
My DD got married after seeing her friends weddings in expensive places (like marina del ray etc). She looked at some country club places (for over 125 per PERSON ) and then got married in brooklyn for a fraction of that price. She knew we did not have the funds. She also knew she could not invite all the friends she had from HS and sem
She went from a list of over 70 friends to 20 good friends that we could afford to invite
And yes while I could have put together a list of 300 nearest and dearest to invite a wedding of 150 people (both sides) was beautiful too and everyone was happy.

So while my DD did not get her " dream princess type wedding" she told me not to worry because she got her dream prince and that is what counts. Smile


A fraction of the price is still pushing $10,000, I assume, which is problematic to many here.


Just want to clarify that we did a wedding for much less that $10000-- including flowers band food and pcis !!! what I feel is important is to do a wedding in a very Mkebud way -- but not to go over board !
I think there are appropriate ways to cut and WE as a community should try to see that we all simplify our weddings !


Tell me how you did this. The halls that are less expensive, have minimum # of people-which drives the cost up. Renting a hall is a couple thousand, and bringing in the caterer then is even more $$. So can you please tell me details so I know what and where to go/look/call.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Jun 21 2010, 11:18 pm
I was a kalla that had no help from my parents paying anything and I come from a background hwere it's normal for parents to pay everything. I would be very broken if I wouldn't be able to have a simple but NORMAL wedding in a cheap hall and would have to have it in a shul instead. If you grew up in a place where no one makes weddings in a shul or backyard it isn't fair to expect a poor kallah to do that. It is very embarassing to have to do that and announce to the world that you are poor or that no one cares for you. If you can't understand this way of life then don't judge.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jun 22 2010, 10:09 am
l have an
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DefyGravity




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 22 2010, 10:36 am
I went to a small wedding that was held at Aish NY for a chosson and kallah that couldn't afford a wedding. It was small, but quite lovely.

My friend's brother and SIL also had a small wedding at the Aish Center. It was her second wedding and her parents had already paid for a large wedding the first time around and refused to pay anything. My friend's father had just passed away and they couldn't afford more. So they had a beautiful, small, simple wedding at the Aish center. The bride and groom looked extremely happy in the pictures, I don't think they cared that hundreds of random people they weren't friends with couldn't attend.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Oct 10 2010, 11:47 pm
OP here: Just wanted to update all on the wedding:

It was beautiful!

We found the best hall we could for the best price available. (Still over $10,000) with the minimum number of people requirement). Though Kallahs gown was bought (for around $400 and helped to be paid for by a friend ), the rest were either sewn by me or borrowed from a gemach. Suits were amazing bargains! At one point I just went into a store with ds to see what size he was-so if I found a suit later I could buy it-there was a rack of suits for $50, one fit him perfectly, and we bought it right then!

The band was supposed to be one man for very minimal cost, but was upgraded by the grandmother of the chosson as she felt that one man doesn't a band make.

Flowers were through a gemach that arranges donations from another wedding. We just had to pick them up after chasunah one day, store them for a day and then bring them to the hall the day of the wedding.

I found a gemach photographer (professional) who would have done pictures and proofs for free-just no album. Chossons family wanted album, so we got a "full package" paid for by the chossons family. They also wanted valet parking and paid for that too.

The money to pay for our share the wedding expenses all came from tzedakah. There is one wealthy woman I do work for and she has always paid me to the penny-not a cent extra (I do get tips occasionally). Well, she knows my financial situation, and when she paid me for a job I did for her this summer, she added a couple thousand dollars to the check-hachnosas kallah. Another woman gave me $1000, and quite a few others gave me anywhere from $36-$250. Without my asking, just discussing my upcoming simcha. And they knew what was going on with DH.

I did do one major job this summer and was planning on using that $$ for the wedding. B"H it was barely needed, so we made it through yomtov without having to worry about putting food on our table.

There is one more thing I want to add. Before I knew how this would work out, I asked a relative with many kids, no parnossa, and separated from her dh for many years-who won't give a her a get-how she managed to pay for her childrens chasunahs. Her response was extremely unhelpful at the time. She said "everyone was a miracle from Hashem". I found out that she was right!!!

By the way, though dh is not 100%-and I doubt he ever will be-he should be returning to work shortly-B"H.
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Inspired




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 11 2010, 6:16 pm
OP, mazal tov! I am so glad to hear this. A continued RS to your dh.
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Yocheved84




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 11 2010, 6:30 pm
Make the wedding slightly out of town, meaning everyone will be able to get there by car, but the price for the hall will be much less. (So if you were in Brooklyn, do it in Rockland County. If you were in Manhattan, do it in Yonkers. If in Boston, do it in Somerville, etc.) If you can do a brunch wedding in your circles, then do it. I just went to an affair paid for by the chosson and kallah themselves (saved up for months) and it was on a Sunday morning. As you walked in, you were given hot coffee and biscotti, they had a beautiful service, and then brunch food.

Let's face it--most of the food at big affairs isn't AMAZING, so don't spend tons. There are ways to do it.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Feb 20 2013, 10:19 am
any reason why mother can not get a job and work for several months to make the cost of the wedding? can the bride to be good a job? an evening job?

people forgot one of the ways to get money is actually work to earn it?

If dad is recovering and cant work, where is the wife? the young people who are getting married?

work is an important way to support yourself, before and after the wedding!!
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 20 2013, 12:19 pm
amother wrote:
I was a kalla that had no help from my parents paying anything and I come from a background hwere it's normal for parents to pay everything. I would be very broken if I wouldn't be able to have a simple but NORMAL wedding in a cheap hall and would have to have it in a shul instead. If you grew up in a place where no one makes weddings in a shul or backyard it isn't fair to expect a poor kallah to do that. It is very embarassing to have to do that and announce to the world that you are poor or that no one cares for you. If you can't understand this way of life then don't judge.
I think what needs to not just be broken but smashed into little bits is the idea that people need do the same thing as everyone else.
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Isramom8




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 20 2013, 1:37 pm
I feel that making a contribution to a simcha that is modest but respectable in the baal simcha's community is a valid expression of hachnasas kallah and bringing a boy to bar mitzvah.
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Cookies n Cream




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 20 2013, 2:24 pm
The thread is 2.5 years old Very Happy
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amother


 

Post Wed, Feb 20 2013, 10:22 pm
OP here.

It cracks me up to see this thread brought up again-as I am making another wedding soon!

To the amother who asked why I don't work to earn the money for the wedding, I did and do work. That money feeds my family, puts a roof over our heads, and necessities like shoes and clothing. Some tuition. There is nothing left over to pay for a wedding.

For this new wedding, I am starting with a little thats been put away, and hopefully getting a gemach loan. And friends are collecting to help pay for it.

As for the chosson kallah working, they are. But they need that money to start a new home and life together.
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