ODD | Imamother

amother

Sun, May 19 2013, 6:00 am

ODD can be controlled by the child in certain settings. At school, my child behaves perfectly. She is afraid of what people will think of her if she acts out. At home, all is let loose and she behaves extremely defiant and full of chutzpah. Only her best friend is privy to her outbursts/cursing/rudeness and she is careful to behave in front of everyone else.

We have not had success overcoming it and I have to work HARD to improve my relationship with her as we butt heads often as we both have strong personalities. Part of ODD is not recognizing or accepting that parents have authority over her and that is hard to live with. We threaten a lot. Bribes work best as in positive reinforcement - say that you will do a special thing with the child and see if the child can control it when he looks forward to reward.

amother

Sun, May 19 2013, 9:09 am

I have two children who could be (should be?) diagnosed with ODD. But I absolutely refuse to bring that diagnosis into my home, head or heart. I am not in denial, I just dislike the idea that this is all my kids are capable of. Prognosis is lousy. You cant medicate it away (although medicating other disorders or symptoms may sometimes be helpful). Therapy has a lousy track record with ODD.
Please read the book "The Explosive Child". It has helped me tremendously.
We still have outbursts and power struggles but now I have a framework within which to work. And slowly I am seeing small baby steps towards progress.

By the way, my kids are 'perfect' in front of their friends. One of my kids is an angel in school, the other is great in school unless they dislike a teacher, then it can get pretty bad.
At home, sometimes they are 'normal' but sometimes (oftentimes) its yelling, cursing, punching walls, threatening, flat out refusal to help out or do homework, etc. It is really helpful to see the behavior as a result of an inflexibility in the brain and inability to problem solve on the fly (read the book). You can learn to anticipate meltdowns, work through them and best of all prevent them by teaching the child to problem solve and helping them learn to be flexible.
It is not easy thats for sure and I spend many nights crying.

And remember, those who are hardest to love need it the most.

amother

Sun, May 19 2013, 4:09 pm

We targeted diet - removed offending foods (wheat, gluten, dairy, chocolate, food coloring, preservatives, etc), supplemented heavily with vitamins and minerals, with a nice dose of homeopathic remedies on the side. Said child does not normally live at home with us and is able to control himself away from home for the most part. Over time child has been better able to overcome these difficulties, but old patterns are easy to return to.

amother

Sun, May 19 2013, 7:11 pm

amother wrote:

thanks - this is making me thing it's more ODD

we thought maybe he had some phychotic disorder with the way he can lose himself in the house and throw things -- but I checked up in school and by others - he is fine -- so it's not happening everywhere -- just mainly at home -- how do kids get over this?

I'm the 8:09 amother (with the two kids). I just wanna say that whenever I tell someone about my tough kids, which is rare that I do 'cuz I don't want too many people to know, I hear that their kid is going through something like this too. Or their neighbor's kid. Or their nephew. I think this is much more common that you would know. I think that kids today are under a HUGE amount of stress and pressure and they sort of implode during the preteen years.
I am hoping that my kids will get over this with lots of love and siyata dishmaya. No matter what do not give up on your son. He is probably feeling horrible about himself and out of control.
I know this isn't really helpful but I wanted you to know that you are not the only mother dealing with this.

amother

Mon, May 20 2013, 1:28 am

amother wrote:

I'm an earlier amother too. It is comforting in an unfortunate sense to hear others are going through the same thing. I wish I had friends in real life to relate too but I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I wish I knew the potential for the child. There is just no way of knowing if kids like this will be able to grow responsible and thoughtful and be able to maintain a healthy marriage. Does anyone know anyone who successfully married and became a good mother, father or spouse???

amother

Mon, May 20 2013, 2:57 pm

granolamom wrote:

I believe that the potential for these kids, like all kids, is far greater than we imagine.
There is never a way to know what will be with any child, no reason not to expect that this will pass. Of course you've got to do your work, whatever that may be, but try to keep imagining your child becoming a successful adult. self fulfilling prophecies, you know.

I am a very positive person in general but how does someone outgrow this? Is there reason to think it should pass? I can see my child successful in life in certain things but in relationships, I am not so sure. The child will have to marry the most amazing spouse who puts up with verbal abuse and doesn't take it personally.

granolamom

Mon, May 20 2013, 9:11 pm

amother wrote:

granolamom wrote:

listen, I am no expert on ODD. I have some, shall we say, challenging kids of my own and we've been through a lot. BH things have been on the upswing for us so maybe that's why its easy for me to be positive right now.
anyway, my understanding of ODD is that much of it is about power struggles with the parents. so my kids will not be marrying me. there are natural consequences to being rude to others who arent bound to you by blood. people learn from those consequences and are motivated to change.
also, I am another huge fan of 'the explosive child'. amazing book. you are right, not everyone 'outgrows' something like this. but there are ways to help them learn step by step how to deal with frustration. its something most people just pick up without having to have it spelled out for them, but these kids arent like all the other kids. its like a learning disability but instead of special ed for math or reading, they need special ed for problem solving and keeping their heads cool.
the truth is, I dont know how they will be ok, I am just expecting that with all my hard work and prayers that they WILL be. I hope that I am right, I am ignoring the possibility that I am wrong because there is no use worrying. its not like worrying will do any good preventing a negative outcome. I'm trying to focus on the good and keep moving in the right direction, even if its slower than I'd like. I dont know what else to do and this seems to be working for me right now.