do you share details with DH of daughter's development?

mother4

Thu, Jul 25 2013, 11:26 am

amother wrote:

mother4 wrote:

My pre-puberty daughter is divulging all her personal issues with me. sore nipples, pubic hair, uncomfortable wetness down there. She makes a point to tell me in private - not in DH presence. She feels its not so tznius for him to know....
I do repeat and share every concern with DH - Is it right or wrong of me??

I will reiterate what everyone else said, but only because you're dd said she doesn't want him to know. I say it's okay because from what you wrote you sound concerned and asking you're dh for his help even though I don't know how he can.

I'm anon because I'm mentioning this. I told my dh when my dd got her period for the first time. I didn't tell him about anything else though.

She didn't say - She doesn't want him to know. She feels uncomfortable telling him directly. She probably has feeling that I tell him

mother4

Thu, Jul 25 2013, 11:32 am

Chayalle wrote:

In what way does discussing these type of symptoms of your DD with your DH prepare him for her puberty changes?

Just sharing with him some life changes that are bound to happen...
He has a regular routine day - work, home at night, hardly sees kids often...
The awareness of our kids growing up, astonish him to this reality. It's unbelievable.
It helps him recognize why she sometimes has mood swings too...

carpediem

Thu, Jul 25 2013, 12:31 pm

Its weird (& imo unnecessary and immodest) for her father to know the nitty gritty details. So her nipples hurt, what can he do? offer advice? empathize? he cant. So whats the point?

If it was a boy coming to his mother ab his body changes then its more applicable for the father to be informed so he can give advice, but for a girl its a girl to girl thing.

Also this could be a great opportunity to teach her that these body issues are personal and shouldnt be discussed for no reason...

rosenbal

Thu, Jul 25 2013, 1:16 pm

I didn't share much with my mother, didn't feel like I could, so I think it's awesome that your daughter shares with you and you can give her advice and empathy! I hope my daughter and I have that kind of relationship when she's older

I personally would have been mortified beyond belief if my father knew any of these detailed changes as I was growing up. You guys are obviously all much more open than we were as a family, BUT I still think beyond generalities or milestones, like getting het period, buying a bra, general physical discomfort, emotional moodiness etc, you should NOT share with DH.Even if your daughter really doesn't care.

I don't think details of wetness, nipples etc are tznius or appropriate to share with one's father. This type of tznius I'm referring to has nothing to do with being frum, rather it's a boundary thing. People need to know boundaries of propriety even in very close relationships.

Your daughter had the right idea in that she didn't tell your DH. You should commend her for that and even have a discussion with her about the type of things that are acceptable to discuss with her father...but details are best saved for mothers or sisters.

In the future, it could be ther DH may not want to know all the "gristly details" either. I don't mean that men shouldn't be in tune to their wives emotionally or know that things are hard for het physically, that cramps hurt etc. What I mean is that not every loving DH will want to know how fast you soak your tampons etc. That can be a major disgust factor for some men....that's why there are sisters and BFs (and lucky for your DD, an awesome mom!)

Everybody is so open about everything these days, imho you'll do your DD much more good in teaching her boundaries than in sharing with her father.

vintagebknyc

Thu, Jul 25 2013, 1:18 pm

all of this is reminding me of the day I got my period; my mom had a migraine, my dad told me not to go into their bedroom, wanted to know why I was insistent about going in there. so I had to tell him. mortifying.

altho, he sorta (maybe) redeemed himself when he made us all dinner (eggs, all he knew how to make, and mom emerged from the bedroom), and brought out a bottle of wine and gave the three of us glasses, saying "our daughter has begun to menstruate."

also, he was a doctor, so it was a little less creepy. and he was clearly trying to be respectful and kind.

m+m

Thu, Jul 25 2013, 1:27 pm

I think its really special that you are so close to DD. I was embarassed to tell my mom I got my period!

I hope my DD (10 months) will be close with me and want to share these things with me. I think DH should know she is reaching puberty but does not need to know details. My DH would not want to know about those things...

mother4

Thu, Jul 25 2013, 2:00 pm

Appreciate your opinions.
I'm the type that always needs to share! Rather than a friend - closest is DH. wanted he should know how she feels.
I feel it depends on how sensitized you are to these issues. My husband shared/slept in room with his sisters and even knew when they got their period. He grew up knowing his mom went through menopause early. This is not new stuff to him...
You're right though, the other details are not necessary.

FranticFrummie

Fri, Jul 26 2013, 5:26 am

mother4 wrote:

OP here.
I thought I would get some more encouragement here. Oh, well...
I have only one daughter - oldest (+ a bunch of boys) She's very close to me. I'm very very open with everything. Whenever she has any issue, I relate to her by saying, "Oh I remember when I had this too" or "I think everyone has this- it's normal"
She keeps running to bathroom to wipe herself bc she says she is very uncomfortable when she gets damp. I'm not talking about arousal (!!) just general wetness which I believe is NORMAL.
She also told me her little buds started to hurt in shower (or swimming pool)
I feel it's important for her to have her father involved (she's very close to him as well) She just thought it's not "tznius" to talk to him. But she does know that I share everything with him!!!
Maybe you're right - I don't need to share EVERY DETAIL. I wanted to prepare DH for her puberty changes...

I think you're doing an awesome job being open with your DD. I'm the same way with mine.

I think you should respect her feelings, even if you personally think it is just normal and healthy stuff. It's her body you're discussing, and she probably already feels really vulnerable and "weird" about things.

Men in general REALLY don't want to know about girl stuff, unless something is wrong or you're asking a shaila. Men have a driving need to "fix things", so if it's not broken and they can't do anything about it, they'd prefer to keep things on a "need to know" basis. embarrassed

amother

Fri, Jul 26 2013, 7:01 am

firstly, pat yourself on the back! you have a daughter who feels close enough to you to share this information with you! you have managaed to develop a loving and trusting relationship with her which is wonderful.

I think your concern of preparing your husband for her changes is valid, and I believe general statements to him may accomplish that without sacrificing your child's privacy..a statement to him like " our daughter is beginning to show signs of puberty its amazing how they grow up so fast!" is good enough. conversations about vaginal discharge are boundary crossing and unnecessary.

sounds like you are doing a great job!

as a side note...my mother did tell me father everything and he would make these horrific cimments to me that felt very violating. granted, he has some issues and not every father would say things like that but the worst part of that was feeling that not only do I need to hide what is going on from dad, I cant share with mom anymore because she tells him everything. I lost both supportive figures. just something to think about

mother4

Fri, Jul 26 2013, 9:08 am

I hear ya...

One thing is for sure, my DH will NOT say ANY comments to her! He even feels uncomfortable going into her room when she gets dressed, and respects her privacy always.

Also.. has anyone's daughter complained of tingling at nipples - she claims in shower and when she goes swimming it bothers her especially. There are no bumps yet, but wondering if this is the start of it.

morah

Fri, Jul 26 2013, 9:16 am

I don't have girls, nor are we anywhere near the age of puberty, but like the other posters said, I would keep the details to yourself like she asked, but inform your DH that she is developing normally, got her period etc. Men aren't interested in lady details any more than their daughters are interested in them knowing, but a loving father would at least want to know is child is healthy and developing properly. As for myself, since my parents are divorced and I spent every weekend with my father, my mother told him when I got my first period so he would be aware that pads would need to kept somewhere in his home. I was too embarrassed to tell him myself, but it was information he really did need to know and my mother took care of that.

MommytoB

Fri, Jul 26 2013, 9:35 am

My husband wouldn't be comfortable with those details so I do not think I will tell him. But maybe will mention when they start getting their period as it is an important developmental milestone. We shall see!

Meanwhile, I remember walking home from shul in a rotten mood when I was 12. And when I got home and went to the bathroom I called my mom that I needed her right away (yes, we had a few talks before my period started, but it was still a shock!). I told her not to tell my dad -- she responded that he already knew just by me calling her!