To tell or not to tell?

amother

Tue, Jul 30 2013, 12:43 pm

I am traveling tonight for an important exam and won't be back until Thursday evening (likely after bedtime). I haven't told my 3.5 year old and am starting to worry if that was a mistake. I'm putting him to bed tonight and then going.

If I tell him, he will freak out. He will probably not go to bed nicely and will probably wake up a lot. I have only left him overnight to give birth to his brother and that was a year and a half ago. If I don't tell him...? Is that more traumatic? He's a sensitive kid but he will have both his grandmothers and to some extent his father around (but only before DH goes to work). It's only two days but I'm worried he will be very upset. My little one will probably be even worse Sad

If we don't tell him I'm OOT probably DH will explain tomorrow morning that mommy had to go to take the big test. He is prepared that I'm taking a test because I have to go study frequently.

Advice please!!!

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Jul 30 2013, 1:07 pm

Tell him right away, and phone him every minute you are not actually unable to talk on the phone, because you are taking the test, driving, or in an area without reception, or something like that.

And tell him you will be phoning him.

Maybe let him phone you, also, with his father. Let his teacher or babysitter know your cell and alert them to the situation. Tell them to phone you if it's necessary.

If you are unavailable, turn the phone off.

Have your husband tell him again after you have told him. Your husband's manner will be a powerful guide to him to have confidence you are only going for a short time and will be reachable. He will pattern his own thoughts on his father's view of the situation.

Pick up a stuffed animal on the way home and give it to him. He will know how to work with it. Put it in your blouse for a minute so it has your smell.

PAMOM

Tue, Jul 30 2013, 1:16 pm

Tell him very matter of factly and then do not call him!! He'll get upset and cry then while he's more likely to be fine if he had a more usual day. If you go away to study? For example, do you constantly call? If you do, flow your past procedure.
And smell like her?? This is a human person, not a puppy.

amother

Tue, Jul 30 2013, 1:25 pm

Oh boy. My DH won't be home before DS goes to bed. His grandma is here now.

The issue is, if I tell him, I'm setting my MIL and DH up for a night where he won't sleep. I have to leave by 8 regardless so if he's a mess I'm going to be leaving my MIL in a bad position. DH wont be home until late. Even worse, he has a stomach bug and can't go to camp tomorrow Sad

DH thinks just to tell him that I have my test tomorrow and DH will explain the rest in the morning.

I don't want him to lose trust in me. I hope not to leave him like this again. But still.

chani8

Tue, Jul 30 2013, 1:34 pm

You do it however you feel you need to. Your DH can explain in the morning, as you said. Maybe you can call home in the morning and talk to your son on the phone.

Kids are resiliant. You're doing the best you can. You know your child best.

Good luck on that exam!!

enneamom

Tue, Jul 30 2013, 2:21 pm

amother wrote:

I'm leaving tonight. The test starts in the morning (early) so if I'm to rest at all I have to go tonight.

I like the video idea!

Sorry, I didn't realize that.

So maybe, if you don't want him to be a wreck all night, just make a point of spending a lot of time with him tonight, talking to him and playing with him. Can you even maybe hint gently to him that you'll be going away soon, without panicking him? This way you'll feel less guilty when you leave and he'll have some time with you to make up for the next few days. Then you can call him in the morning and explain everything to him. I think a phone call is better, even if you do a video as well, since on the phone he can communicate with you in person, asking questions and getting answers to put his fears at rest.

imasinger

Tue, Jul 30 2013, 3:44 pm

I agree that a phone call, or even Skype, may be best.

In the future, if you need to be away like that, you might want to try giving him a long lead time, so that he can get past his anxiety with you still in the house. A week's notice is probably good.

chocolate chips

Tue, Jul 30 2013, 5:49 pm

Tell him you have a big test tomorrow and he has to be a good boy so you can study and pass the test.
In the morning dh can tell him that you already left to your test (if he asks) and you will be home when he gets back from school.

He doesn't need to know you were gone over night especially if you want him to sleep!

amother

Tue, Jul 30 2013, 7:43 pm

Thank you all so much for the replies and the good wishes.

I always talk about tomorrow with him before he sleeps (it's part of our 500-step routine Wink

) and I told him that tomorrow is Mommy's test and when the test is all over, mommy won't have to leave to study anymore! He asked if I could take the test in my room while he watches Thomas on the iPad. (I have resorted to that method of studying when he cries when I try to leave to the library.) I said no, I have to go to a different place. He was ok with it and went to bed.

He definitely didn't take away from our conversation that he won't see me for two full days and his grandmothers will put him to bed two straight nights. Sad

Next time (G-d forbid) I will definitely give him lead time. I think it was a mistake not to. May there never be another occasion to get stuck in Yehupitzville for this kind of thing! Please G-d I should pass! (I seriously thought about posting my name for tehillim but there are sick people out there who need your tefillot more than I do, BH.)

Thanks again!

FranticFrummie

Tue, Jul 30 2013, 8:52 pm

I just finished a 7 week course on parenting children with anxiety and attachment issues.

DO NOT OVER REASSURE! This was my biggest mistake. Tell him you are going, and that he will be FINE. You believe that he will be OK, he's a big boy, and nothing will happen. Be matter of fact, and leave it at that.

If he obsesses on it, you can reassure him once, but after that, you need to tell him that you already answered that question, and he knows what the answer is. Have him repeat back to you what you said. "I'm a big boy, I'll be fine, and you're coming right back." Then tell him "YES! That's right!"

DO NOT call, video, or skype anything. You'll only remind him that you're not physically there. Let him be distracted by his toys and caretakers.

If you worry, he will pick up on that worry and start thinking that something is horribly wrong. You MUST believe that he can handle this. Anxiety can stay with a kid for years and years, and if you can make him feel strong and confident he will thank you later (and your job as a parent will be infinitely easier.)

Trust me, it is heartbreaking to have to talk a 10yo through a panic attack, because you want her to sleep in her own bed.