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I don't want to be that kind of host



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amother


 

Post Sun, Aug 04 2013, 10:03 pm
There is a particular trait among one side of our family that has them cancelling shabbos plans, not showing up, or coming really late to things. They are family and I want to have them over, I enjoy their company and I think it's important for my kids and for us in general. I am the only sister in law and as it is it's hard to be accepted and treated the same with all of them.
Every time it happens I half know it's going to happen but I get upset all over again. I planned my meals out, invited other guests based on who was coming, often already cooked and them bam, they're not coming. Additionaly we have allergies in the family and eat "weird" food, when we have guests I make all kinds of foods for them to enjoy and encourage them to leave me no leftovers. So aside for it being annoying that we're all of a sudden left with 2 random guests of opposite genders and ourselves (DH and I and my twins who are often sleeping) it is a waste of a lot of time effort and money.
The crazy thing is that they don't see what the big deal is. And I've become that host that is so "strict", that they hesitate to accept an invite because they'd rather be last minute, or what not. I'm actually a pretty easy going person by nature and I assume as our family grows and we're making regular large meals, the few guests here and there wont make a difference either way but right now it does. I hate that I'm the host that they feel isn't go with the flow (although if they ever call to come or to invite 3 more friends I always say yes). I hate that I'm the formal host and that they all prefer to eat by other relatives because it's a who cares atmosphere.

Is there anything I can do to be different? Should I be being different? How can I feel differently about the whole situation?
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amother


 

Post Sun, Aug 04 2013, 10:12 pm
Don't invite them for Shabbas. Invite for bbq's that don't require any prep. If they show, you fire up the grill and toss a salad. Or casual Sunday brunches of bagels, creme cheese, tuna and egg salads. Again, this can be put together last minute. Or a sandwich night. Try to find ideas that you can throw together and not need other guests. This way you can still have family time but it won't kill you. If they want to come for a last minute shabbas say sure, can you bring a salad, side, etc.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Aug 04 2013, 10:30 pm
I have this with a relative of mine. I know to only invite when there will be other people there that they very badly want to spend time with, otherwise no.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 05 2013, 2:06 pm
Hmmm...why are you the only one inviting? Why aren't your siblings-in-law inviting?

I agree with amother 10:12. Quit discombobulating your life because of them. Quit making special foods that your own family can't eat. It's not about the food, it's about family getting together, right? Then let them eat what you eat. It will do them no harm, as YOU are the ones with allergies.

Make things that freeze well so you don't have to waste excess food. Serve buffet style so you're not setting a table for naught. Invite other friends so you still have company even if your in-laws don't show up.

They can't deal with normal social etiquette? Tough. They're the ones out of line, not you.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Aug 05 2013, 4:49 pm
zaq wrote:
Hmmm...why are you the only one inviting? Why aren't your siblings-in-law inviting?

I agree with amother 10:12. Quit discombobulating your life because of them. Quit making special foods that your own family can't eat. It's not about the food, it's about family getting together, right? Then let them eat what you eat. It will do them no harm, as YOU are the ones with allergies.

Make things that freeze well so you don't have to waste excess food. Serve buffet style so you're not setting a table for naught. Invite other friends so you still have company even if your in-laws don't show up.

They can't deal with normal social etiquette? Tough. They're the ones out of line, not you.


My siblings in law that are local do invite but they come from the same cookie cutter - they do everything last minute and people just show up or dont it's all the same. They dont care if people dont show. And they sometimes cancel on hosting us too,


I dont have freezer space but thats a good idea.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 08 2013, 2:04 pm
I can't understand this mentality ... do they not care if food just goes into the garbage ... do they care if there's nothing to eat ...

I'm a last minute person myself ... but not to the point of rude
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 08 2013, 2:05 pm
amother wrote:
Don't invite them for Shabbas. Invite for bbq's that don't require any prep. If they show, you fire up the grill and toss a salad. Or casual Sunday brunches of bagels, creme cheese, tuna and egg salads. Again, this can be put together last minute. Or a sandwich night. Try to find ideas that you can throw together and not need other guests. This way you can still have family time but it won't kill you. If they want to come for a last minute shabbas say sure, can you bring a salad, side, etc.


smart idea ... everything casual ... except if they come last minute - bring everything
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amother


 

Post Thu, Aug 08 2013, 2:11 pm
I have this issue, too, and I can only sympathize. I like to prepare things beautifully when I have guests, and I like to know in advance. I don't do spontaneous hosting. Period.
The family has learned this about me and they think I'm strict but I don't really care. They still love to come!
Just be clear until they get the message, if the food and hosting is good they'll want to come and play by your rules.
For example, I wanted to invite bro-in-law for Shabbos. I gave them 2 weeks notice on Monday, and said you can choose either of these 2 weeks to come. I have to have an answer by Wednesday because I do my grocery shopping then. Very clear. I get teased but I don't care.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Aug 08 2013, 2:13 pm
I have the same thing and also feel like the strict rigid sister in law. I hate it!
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