My 16 year old son came home with an eyebrow piercing help!

amother

Fri, Nov 22 2013, 6:58 pm

Before I became frum I got several tattoos, and had piercings in *ehem* interesting places.

I never did any of it to be rebellious, and I wasn't hanging out with a rough crowd. I was a very nice secular girl in my late 20s, and holding down a job as a paralegal. No drugs, no wild parties, nothing going on in my life that would make anyone worry about my wellbeing.

I just thought they were pretty. That's all there was to it. Nothing sinister at all.

the world's best mom

Sat, Nov 23 2013, 9:47 pm

The difference between my pierced ears and his eyebrow ring is that pierced ears are considered normal in todays society, as Rivka's nose ring was in her time. However, the average person does not have an eyebrow ring. I see it in the same category as having a purple Mohawk or something. It's something people get so others will notice them. When people don't feel like they have much self worth, they do something like this so they can be cool and therefor worth something.

Yes, there's a lot worse he could have done. But still, this is a sign that he needs some help.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Nov 24 2013, 12:40 am

the world's best mom wrote:

What kind of help would you suggest? We still haven't heard why he did it in the first place. It could just be an expression of individuality, a fashion statement, or an immature whim - all of which will be treated with time and real world experience.

Not everything that is "not normal" in your circles is a desperate cry for help.

I agree with ElTam, above.

southernima

Sun, Nov 24 2013, 1:46 am

I wouldn't worry too much - I don't think this is necessarily a cry for help. It may be as simple as he wanted to do it so he did it. Or, he may be trying to get a rise out of you. Only you know your kid. My sister came home with a belly button peircing one day. She wanted it so she got it, it was really that simple. She wasn't rebelling, it wasn't a cry for help, she wasn't trying to get a rise out of anyone...she just wanted it and felt she was old enough to make the decision (she was 18 I think). It wasn't for others, it was just for herself and she liked it. It was a phase, once she was getting married she took it out.

If it bothers you then you can make it clear that you are disappointed and tell him he is not to do something like this in the future. When he moves out he can do whatever he wants. On the other hand, I really don't think its that big of a deal....if it makes him happy, its probably a phase and he will out grow it. I would just make it clear in the future before he decides to alter his body with piercing/tattoos/weird hair cuts etc he needs to discuss it with you first. You know he is almost a grown up but until he is out on his own, these are the kind of things you need to decide together.

My parents gave my sister a stupid consequence - she had to do the dishes for a week - we had a dishwasher, so she had to load them. I think they were trying to say that if you think you are grown up enough to make this decisions, then you are grown up enough to do the dishes - that or they just didn't like doing the dishes so they decided that would be the consequence. I think having her do all the chores for a week would have been more relatable...but what do I know. I think she did the dishes for 3 days and they forgot all about it. If you do give a consequence, make sure it connects to the action.

the world's best mom

Sun, Nov 24 2013, 8:55 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

the world's best mom wrote:

What kind of help? I already recommended seeing Rabbi Horowitz from Project YES and strengthening his relationship with his parents.

Are you going to tell me that eyebrow rings are common in your circles? If so, go ahead and get as many as you'd like. But I'm guessing not.

Why should he need help if he's just making a fashion statement? Well, the question is, why does he feel a desire to make a fashion statement? And why this one?

If a Yeshiva Bachur is learning in Lakewood where everyone wears white shirts and dark pants and he starts coming in jeans and colored T shirts, he might say he's just expressing his individuality and there's no reason to dress in white and black. But that still wouldn't happen if he was happy with his lifestyle. It's a sign that he's not happy and is looking to change. So for that kid, I might recommend a less Yeshivish setting so he can be happy.

But I don't think I would suggest sending any kid to a Yeshiva where the average guy has an eyebrow ring, because I don't think it exists. And if it did, it is probably not a great atmosphere for a Frum kid from any circles. So instead I recommend help so he can learn to live the lifestyle he was brought up with and be happy.

PinkFridge

Sun, Nov 24 2013, 10:00 am

the world's best mom, this is, and I think courageously, an open forum. There are people here who are vulnerable and yet keeping this open. This allows them to get support from everyone, and also for other people who made need chizuk to check in too. But admittedly, there are people, like me at least, who don't have intimate first hand experience. We might have friends, relatives, etc. but let's just say if our kids would come in with a piercing, whoa! This would be going from A to R totally skipping everything in between.

But as jarring as this might be for OP, it's not happening in a vacuum. Her son was already on a different trajectory and without knowing all the details, it's hard to comment fully. But because her son is already off the beaten track, an eyebrow piercing may not mean the same thing on her son that it would on another kid. Sure, he should get to a place where he feels happy, grounded and endorsed for all the right reasons, but while it might be a wake up call it's not necessarily a need to panic.

Not sure if I'm making myself clear. I hope I am and that I'm not off base or overstepping anything.

greenfire

Sun, Nov 24 2013, 12:08 pm

I think many people don't realize there is a closed forum for 'extreme rebellious teens'

would this have been better discussed there - maybe ... maybe not

the issues in general is when people go ballistic & get all emotional and bent out of shape ... these kids need calm, normal reactions ... or you give them more reason to claim you don't care or understand them ...

of course it doesn't always help - but unconditional love goes a long way

the world's best mom

Sun, Nov 24 2013, 6:06 pm

PinkFridge wrote:

I agree with you 100%. I rewrote my last post quickly after it got deleted by accident, and I skipped a whole important part I had written about how this is not his only issue and she probably shouldn't respond to this specifically but to get him help for his general problems. I guess I should back out of the discussion now since I obviously don't have experience in it.

PinkFridge

Mon, Nov 25 2013, 9:39 am

the world's best mom wrote:

[ I guess I should back out of the discussion now since I obviously don't have experience in it.

I'm going out on a limb here: this isn't the only case where there's a safe haven and also a private forum. I think that people here know that there will be those of us without experience here but they're still open to the possibility that we might have something to contribute, if only our warm thoughts and cheering them on. I hope that people appreciate the good intentions. (And yes, we know about southbound roads being paved with good intentions. Still.)

marshmellow

Mon, Nov 25 2013, 11:55 am

everyone does silly things at some stage in their life (well, most people who are normal)

just because he has a pierced eyebrow, doesn't mean he's not a good kid.

A person can be a beautiful person - regardless of if they have a few piercings or the way they dress

I think he was trying to be rebellious in some way - this is not uncommon though and not necessarily bad. I have a rebellious streak too but not that serious. My individuality is important to me and I like to reflect that in the way I dress. Maybe your son is like that you know? OF course, don't want it to get any worse than this...........

But you must not give him "rules" or tell him off. He will just go out and do more crazy things. (Maybe) that's what he wants to see. Don't give him it.

Hopefully it's just a phase. Ignore it (for the time being) and continue to show him love, respect and to keep setting a good example of warmth, love, good values, good deeds

PinkFridge

Mon, Nov 25 2013, 12:18 pm

the world's best mom wrote:

I'm still not sure what I said that was so wrong. I was simply trying to explain where I thought he may be coming from. Maybe it came out sounding rough, but it definitely wasn't meant that way.

And BTW, I totally belong in this forum, but not in the rebellious teens forum. My rebel is only 5.

Eh, don't sweat it. I'm the one who's putting my foot in it, I think Wink

amother

Mon, Dec 02 2013, 12:28 pm

OP here. Thank you for your suggestions and advice.
I guess I just want to add that DS does not follow rules. He breaks the curfew, tests our limits, I have been trying to ignore. He had also pierced his ear before but never wore an earring around us.
Now he wears both and I just feel like I want to throw up...
I am just so worried about him and I see that ignoring or commenting does not do anything for him.
I just don't know what to do.
It hurts so bad when your child is defiant.
We do give him all the love we can, he just has so much anger in him.
I guess the piercing was just another thing he did but it is always there in your face.
Of course his yeshiva does not allow it, but he does not care.
On the other hand he will come and ask me for things or sometimes just talk to me and just like he starts he changes.
Just don't know what to do anymore...