The nurtured heart approach...

amother

Sat, Feb 08 2014, 4:20 pm

My 8 year old son has ADHD plus a whole lot of other behavioural, social problems and developmental delay. He can be very sweet at times but most of the times he is extremely difficult and he is constantly bothering and hurting his two younger siblings. He also does things without thinking and can be very silly and embarrassing in public. (I'm scared to go and visit people because I'm know that he won't behave). Last week I sent him into the library to return some books which he's done before without any problem but this time he shoved the bag of books right across the desk and specially pushed them over the other side making them all fly out at the librarian's feet:-O , off course I apologized and got him to say sorry too, but I was so embarrassed that I just cried when I got back to the car. I feel like I can't relax around him as he is constantly doing something wrong and my other kids are scared of him. I am actually scared of what he'll be like when he grows up because he is already quite violent at times... he has just changed over from ritalin 20 to concerta 27 which I don't think is strong enough for him but my doctor says that we need to try it for a little while longer. I am also divorced right now which doesn't make it any easier! Anyways my question is has anyone here tried the nurtured heart approach and had real success with it? I am almost finished reading the book and it seems amazing, but it looks like a lot of work and I'm wandering if its really possible to stick to it in the long run? Any advice would be much appreciated.... thanks:-)

Ashrei

Sat, Feb 08 2014, 8:10 pm

Wow. I am so sorry you're in this situation. I have a 6 year old girl who is very challenging, however, her anxiety tempers her behaviors in public.

I'm taking the teleclass by Sarah Herbsman now, we're approaching week 5 of the 6 week course. I think it's definitely worth taking. I see amazing results in DD when I use the techniques. Mrs. Herbsman has mentioned a few times how this approach reduces the need for medicating children. It focuses on the difficult and intense child, and teaches us how to coach them into channeling their intensity into great things.

You brought up a very good question in your post about wondering if it's possible to 'stick to it in the long run.' That's a good question, and it really hit home with me, because I have difficulty being consistent and seeing things through. When I get lazy or back into my rut, I try to get myself back on track.

The director of my son's school gave a shiur on this approach, and it seems she's been using it for years with her k'ah large family. She explained how after a while, this new perspective, and way of speaking, becomes second nature such that negative interactions feel just awkward and are not at all forthcoming.

Learning the nurtured heart approach is really about "transforming" yourself and how you see your child. There are solid techniques on then transforming your child.

I found the teacher's blog here. Her phone number is in the latest post, at the bottom:
www.sarahherbsman.com

Based on some of her anecdotes, it seems like it's the right thing for a child such as yours (ours) who has such behaviors. She's very nice, I'm sure you can ask her opinion on your situation and she'll be straightforward with you. I have a feeling she'll recommend the class. Smile

Please pm me if you have any specific questions at all!

Hug

the world's best mom

Sat, Feb 08 2014, 11:12 pm

The Nurtured Heart Approach is supposed to work wonders. I know kids who did very well with it. I have the book but haven't read it yet. The plan was that ds's teachers and I would all read it and begin using it in September, but that didn't work out because he behaves very nicely in school. I hadn't read the book yet, so I couldn't do it.

I do plan on reading it so I can try at least parts of it, but some of it makes no sense to me. It's great to never let any negativity show and to make your kid count when he misbehaves, but sometimes that's not enough. Sometimes you HAVE to be very harsh with your kid so he'll realize he did a major thing wrong. Like if a kid squeezes someone's neck and nearly strangles him, you can't just say softly, "Count to 10 now". If the kid takes the air conditioner out of the window, or touches a pot to check if it's hot, even after burning his fingers like that 2 weeks ago, you need to be more harsh. I don't feel that the approach deals with that kind of stuff, and these are all things my kid does/has done.

Ashrei

Sat, Feb 08 2014, 11:35 pm

the world's best mom wrote:

I didn't get to it yet, but there's a part on limit setting and consequences that those actions probably fall into. One of the major "stands" (important points you must dedicate yourself to in the approach) is clearly defined limits.

Although I bet they'd still say not to yell or 'energize negativity' when they are doing a negative behavior, because it leads to repetition of the behavior (or another negative behavior). I know it sounds crazy to give a quick consequence and move on to those kind of extreme actions, but I think there's no exceptions to this process. Because by giving so much attention to such awful behaviors, Nurtured Heart compares it to 'handing them stacks of hundred dollar bills' in forms of attention from us that makes them go for it again, to get another reward. Maybe I'll ask the teacher at Tuesday's class if there's truly no exception... (if I remember)

the world's best mom

Sat, Feb 08 2014, 11:55 pm

When I get annoyed with ds and yell, he does seem to find it funny. But when he strangled another kid "because he's not my friend", I had to force myself to yell and make it very clear that he did something dangerous, and he was nearly in tears. The point got across very well, in a way that counting would not have accomplished. The same when he touched the Blech and informed me that it was not hot anymore- he still has blisters on his fingers from touching it 2 weeks ago. I yelled and he felt bad. I thin it really depends if the yelling is coming from annoyance or from wanting to teach an important lesson. And the kids can tell.

simchatomid

Sun, Feb 09 2014, 4:44 am

I don't mean to downplay the importance of any behavioral modification system but as a psychiatric nurse I must say- please don't overlook the inherent nature of the ADHD diagnosis. Bottom line, ADHD often comes with an irritability component, something just as real and uncontrollable as the focusing /hyperactivity issues of ADHD. There are various medications on the market that are used specifically for this purpose (irritability associated with ADHD) and I have personally seen children completely change 360 degrees, when used correctly. Sometimes, children merely need a few years of one of these medications, in conjunction with a stimulant and therapy, to lose the irritability factor completely.

Yes, we have to work on our parenting skills as much as possible - but if the irritability factor seems to be hindering your childrens' ability to function and be happy please consider second psychiatric opinions. Some of the most up to date psychiatrists from the top psychiatric institutions will confirm this. Children want to be happy... Often they need a little boost.

Another quick point- remember that children with ADHD have often been through a lot (trouble in school, social issues, impulsivity guilt, etc) and therefore therapy with an ADHD specialist is often so important and might really contribute to your child's overall feelings of happiness.

Good luck!

amother

Sun, Feb 09 2014, 5:44 am

Thanks for all the replies so far! They were very helpful. I've actually been using the 1,2,3 magic technique for years and I find that to be amazing in keeping myself and the kids calm, so I would definitely be continuing that in the way of dicipline as well as adding on the nurture heart approach for all other areas. The reason why I want to do this is because I find myself putting down my problem child a lot because he is so difficult and I want to change that cuz I know its bad for him and his self esteem! I just hope I'll be able to keep at it!

amother

Sun, Feb 09 2014, 7:40 am

I did the course but after a couple of weeks stopped doing it because the 'reset' was making my kids go crazy and also the whole thing is such a huge job. Also my kids r B"H not add or adhd (one is explosive).
Now I started a really good audio course by miriam adahan on "jewish workshops" its to work on yourself and also has a series on parenting and it has similarities because its a very positive approach, but I think her advice is much more do-able. If you look into it make sure to listen to her class on health/vitamin B deficiency.
Good luck u sound like u trying hard and doing a great job in a difficult situation.

StillGrowing1

Thu, Feb 27 2014, 11:13 pm

I used it for 3 months on my 11 y/o autistic spectrum grandson who was with us temporarily. It was real genius. He went from violent daily tantrums lasting up to 3 hours to "meltdowns" that lasted less than 10 minutes, once or twice a week. I found that I had to follow it =exactly= and to watch myself carefully. I didn't get as far as the limit setting chapter b/c it took 3 months to get to that point.

I found the authors came out with a workbook (Transforming the Difficult Child Workbook: An Interactive Guide to The Nurtured Heart Approach) which made it much easier - AFTER reading the book!