Parents' behavior vs. spouses' behavior

amother

Tue, Mar 04 2014, 12:10 pm

Please help me understand this. I'm having a hard time understanding this. A woman posted about her husband's violence and other posters commented to the tune of, ''you should not tolerate abuse''.

Please help me to understand this: A child does something the is unacceptable to the parent. The parent hits the child, or the parent yells at the child, or becomes aggressive toward the child in any other manner.

The child grows up with this kind of parental mode of being and this becomes the ''norm'' in the child's experience.

The child gets married and husband behaves in the way that the parents did, and all of a sudden it's classified as ''abuse''???? This is the kind of behavior the child is accustomed to! If we want our children to not tolerate abuse, I'd say we need to teach peaceful ways of relating from when they're infants.

Why would a child - now grown up in body --- reject aggression from a spouse, when it's been accustomed to this style ever since?

Can anyone relate to my puzzlement and question?

imasinger

Tue, Mar 04 2014, 12:15 pm

I think most people here will agree with you. I do agree, and do not hit my kids or verbally abuse them.

That being said, however, there were (and probably still are) a significant number of people in the world who were able to differentiate between potching a child and hitting a spouse. In my generation, spanking was common, but spouse abuse, only a small percentage.

Even a small percentage is too many, and I am glad the rules have changed. But I understand why there is confusion.

Ruchel

Tue, Mar 04 2014, 12:56 pm

Especially nowadays, a husband is not meant to basically marry a teen and go on raising her (which explains some Rambam etc).

A girl has to know a husband is a peer, not a "superior" (in generation, halachic authority...). The same way a wife isn't there to educate and matronize (? lol) her husband...

black and white

Tue, Mar 04 2014, 1:34 pm

I think I understand what you are asking, and my answer would be both are wrong parental and spousal abuse.
That being said, as a child he/she is basically helpless and not able to defend and protect herself/himself from the aggressor unless a third party gets involved. In other words a child has no choice in the matter.
An adult with an abusive partner COULD and SHOULD remove himself/herself from such a situation.
And therein lies the difference.

Chayalle

Tue, Mar 04 2014, 2:22 pm

Though I'm not an advocate of hitting (there are many better, more effective methods of discipline), I disagree with the basic premise of your post.

A parent is a parent, and the parent child relationship is different than the spousal relationship. It's important that kids understand this from a young age.

I tell my DD (age 5 1/2) that it's time to put on pj's, brush her teeth, and go to bed. I say no, you may not have bissli for breakfast. You have to ask permission. Because Mommy said.

I do not tell DH what to do (though he does not eat snack for breakfast, and he does take care of his own bedtime).

bubbebia

Tue, Mar 04 2014, 3:26 pm

As parents in a disciplinary role we all yell at our kids sometimes, we might even give them a potch on their tuches on occasion, but there is a line that we don't cross because then it becomes abusive. When yelling or a physical response is our only method of dealing with our kids, if we push them down or are constantly in their face about every little detail of life, then we have crossed the line into abuse. It's physical and/or emotional abuse. That's the difference, OP.

But what's also different is the relationship. As husband and wife we are equals in this relationship called marriage. And you certainly don't treat an equal with physical or emotional violence. As parents we are charged with teaching our children the proper way of behavior. This is not an equal relationship.
We, as adults, are definitely in charge here but that does not mean we are to abuse that relationship.

When someone grows up with certain behaviors as the "norm" that are not acceptable in general society, there has to be some sort of "retraining" or else that person is more likely to cross that line like his/her parents did. And "this is the way I grew up so there's nothing wrong with it" doesn't make the behavior acceptable.