Should I say something? What?

amother

Sun, Mar 09 2014, 12:55 am

There is a women in my community whose DH is missing. Its not being advertised, so I will assume there is more to the story. I will be seeing this women at a event today (I really hope that she shows up to support her DC). Every time I bump into her we talk. Due to various factors she may know that I know her DH is missing. What do I say to her? Do I just talk as if nothing crazy is going on?

chani4

Sun, Mar 09 2014, 12:58 am

Be there for her in silence. Dont bring it up ahe might be unclmtorbe and not want to talk about it. She probably needs to forget about it for a little. Help her enjoy this event and forget about her problems for a little. U can say im always whee for u ans If she needs u she will ask

grace413

Sun, Mar 09 2014, 1:01 am

Don't say anything unless she brings it up. And then don't say anything but something pareve like "my thoughts are with you" or "Let me know if I can do anything for you."

amother

Sun, Mar 09 2014, 1:05 am

op here-

I am sure she wont bring it up. I just want to make sure its ok to not say anything at all to her.

Its so sad.

Thanks for your input.

greenfire

Sun, Mar 09 2014, 10:54 am

is there a way to say something out of concern rather than appearing to be nosy ... like 'if you want to talk' 'is there anything I can do'

only do this is if you're her friend - not just a community member who wants to to a mitzva for the nebbach case

most people would just want to go to an event and feel normal ... especially around her dear children

Last edited by greenfire on Sun, Mar 09 2014, 11:42 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Sun, Mar 09 2014, 11:35 am

HI OP,

I'm writing anon so as not to give myself away.

Based on what you wrote I think I know who you are talking about. Her husband is not exactly 'missing'. Unless you are a good friend, please don't say anything and greet her normally. She will be there today to support her daughter cuz she is an awesome mother (and person) stuck in a horrible situation.

She can use money if you have extra tzedakah to somehow give. I am happy to facilitate that if need be .

amother

Sun, Mar 09 2014, 11:43 am

Op, I am pretty sure I know who you are talking about as the same situation is happening to someone in my community. If it is the same person I dont know her that well so I dont want to say anything but if you know her well and there is a possibility she knows you know then I would just say to her that you are there for her and then leave it like that. the ball will be in her court now.
Why I am saying this is because a relative of mine had a situation that was in the newspapers and on the news and she was very upset that everyone just dropped her, her friends stopped calling her ect. it was like she had the plague. She was so hurt that her friends just didnt text her and tell her they are there for her. I told her that people get very uncomfortable in these situations and really dont know what to say or should they say anything but from my relatives point of view something should be said.

amother

Sun, Mar 09 2014, 11:43 am

When I had a good friend in a similar situation, it hurt her very much that people were talking about her. Do not say anything to her beyond what you would normally say! Please!! It's basically announcing that the rumor mill is going full throttle and everyone is yapping about her family. No one wants to feel like everyone is talking about them.

amother

Sun, Mar 09 2014, 11:47 am

It is NOT A GOOD IDEA to refer to the situation at a public event. It is perfectly fine to email her or call her and gently offer support. Everything should be done with respect for her privacy.

amother

Sun, Mar 09 2014, 5:34 pm

op here-
I didn't say anything. She said hi to me across the room so I did eventually approach her without my DH for abvious reasons. I was so amazed that a friend of hers came along just to support her. It was a parents event. We had our usual conversation. I feel so bad for her and her kids.

I'm crying here to see that other women have husbands that have gone missing recently. My story can't be the same as the other due to some specific factors mentioned in the post. Some kids are going to sleep tonight without knowing if and when their fathers are coming home. It's supposed to be Adar, not Av. Sad