Kibbud Av Vem | Imamother

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 7:56 pm

My mother was a terrible mother. She crippled me emotionally to the point where I only started recovering in my late 20's and even today I struggle to live a normal life because of the abuse and neglect she has inflicted on me. It is a miracle that I am even married with children and leading a semi-normal life. The problem is now that she is in her late 60's and alone, she has become almost dependent on me emotionally. Like a leach. She wants to see my kids at least 2 times a week and she often calls me telling me about this or that which she heard. She is extremely toxic and after seeing her or speaking to her I often feel like a wreck. I hate her. I really hate her and I can't forgive her for ruining my life. At the same time I feel bad for her because she is old and lonely. She uses that as a weapon against me as well. She has even gone to the bathroom in my house and gotten on the phone with my aunt to tell her what a bad mother I am. I told her I could hear her and she defended herself by saying that it's a fact and not lashon hara.
My therapist has been telling me for years to break ties with her but I know that kibbud av vaem is important. I'm tempted but I am honestly afraid of the repruccusions of breaking this law. My husband keeps bringing up the story from the Torah about the guy who kept kibbud av vaem even when his mother was abusive and he got a big schar.
What would you do in my situation?

Rutabaga

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 8:06 pm

It sounds like a difficult situation. Perhaps you should talk to a rav about what exactly kibbud av v'em entails. You may be doing more than you need to do, at the expense of yourself and your family.

Do you have any siblings to share the burden?

morah

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 8:12 pm

The story in the Gemara shows he got a big schar, not that we are all obligated to take it to such a level. My husband endured terrible emotional abuse from his parents and got a psak from a well known yeshivishe Rav to cut ties completely. Definitely speak to a knowledgeable Rav.