please help me. I hate my child.

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 8:42 am

Quote:

Ok, I'm going to give you all a different perspective. I have a large family of mostly sons Bli ayin hora.
2 have ADHD. One is 24 & the other 20.
Oldest is married. They started Ritalin at 6 & 10 respectively. Neither is on meds now.
Was it difficult? Like gehinom.
One had learning issues, one was very defiant.
For the defiant one I dreamed of foster care, respite care , anything!!
I'm a BT. Little family support.
What helped?
Ritalin was great, concerta even better.
Very, very strict discipline. Complete home structure, from meal times, bedtimes etc.
I never allowed myself to relax & enjoy.
A shabbos nap? Forget it. The kids needed one of us around 24/7 so the defiant one wouldn't kill them with either his explosiveness or crazy ideas.
We made a mistake not to medicate the older one on the weekend or vacations. Stupid idea. For the next one we used concerta every day.
I also opted to homeschool the younger once his ADHD & learning issues peaked. I did this for several years. He blossomed & we became very close as a result.
When both went away to yeshivos they gradually stopped all meds.
We found that a very strict yeshiva worked for the defiant one (although they complained lots) & an easier going , less academically demanding worked for the other.
Just to remind you that we do have other kids who need attention & also validation as they suffer too. Each child got to spend a day with me (took them out of school) on their own , once a month. We'd go for ice cream, coffee, errands etc.
B"H both the challenging boys are now wonderful , sensitive menchen who are very self aware. As I mentioned the older is married & is channeling his energy in very positive ways. The other is still learning & is a wonderful sensitive young man. Both are very close to their very forgiving siblings!
Life these days is a breeze. I really enjoy vacation time with my younger kids. I can relax around them & no longer run a very strict routine. I allow more flexibility because my younger non ADHD kids don't need the rigidity.
Don't envy anyone their "easy" kids. This child is your tafkid. Hashem have you this child, it's your very difficult job to make him into a mench & raise him to Torah, chuppa & maisim tovim.
Also if it's possible to have the ADHD child in another school/cheder than your other kids do it. Makes school life easier for the non ADHD ones.
Good luck, take a deep breath. You can do it! We literally came from darkness to light.

Thanks for helping us see the lights.
It's so hard when you feel like you cant' rest or let your guard down for a second.
and when my son behaves in certain ways I feel like how in the world will he ever be able to get married?

Sparkle

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 1:24 pm

While things have b'h become much better in our home over the last year, I COMPLETELY know what you are going through. All my kids are high-need but my oldest was exactly the way you describe your 10 year old. If you want to do know the changes we made to get results, feel free to do a search of my posts since I've talked about it here in the past.
But I can share some things I did during the horrible years that helped me maintain some of the sanity:
1. SELF TALK - that was huge for me. I found that I was always muttering things to myself like, "I can't do this anymore!" "These kids are crazy" and "G-d, what do you want from me??". While I thought this was good and a better alternative to yelling and screaming (which I unfortunately did a lot of as well), as weird as it sounds, I found that it REALLY helped to say things instead like, "I CAN do this", "they will grow up and this is not forever", etc.
2. It's so hard to not look at other families who appear to be functioning normally and not a) be jealous and b) feel like a failure. During certain difficult time periods I had to stop spending time with people that I actually really liked, but seeing their normal interactions with their kids was just too painful. It's OK to do things like that, and there is a tactful way to explain. I don't believe I ever hurt anyone's feelings this way. People get it.
3. Know, really KNOW, that this kid is at heart a good kid and is not doing this to you on purpose. This was a hard thing for me to really feel emotionally (my brain knew it, but not my heart). Say it to yourself a million times a day.
4. You must make time for yourself a few times a week. Go without fleishigs during the week if you have to in order to afford it. It is so important for your mental health.
I just want to say again that I really know how hard this is. Hopefully things will start to improve for you soon.

Sparkle

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 1:29 pm

amother wrote:

I'm one of the amothers here - with two explosive kids. Here's a question I've been wondering about. Is there a benefit to getting my sons evaluated and perhaps diagnosed with ADD/ADHD -- they both do well in school with no trouble or anger issues there. One son does have social trouble in that he doesn't make friends easily, but he is well-liked from what I can see and what I am told by the rebbeim. So I am not sure there would be academic/social/etc benefit to any kind of diagnosis.
Say I were told that son A has ADD/inattentive type (as I suspect) and son B is ADHD/impulsive (again, my intuition) -- is there practical benefit to these labels? I would hesitate to medicate because of the lack of issues in school. I floated the idea of an evaluation to my husband (who is very skeptical of any kind of talk about therapy/medication/etc) and he asked me this. I wasn't sure what to answer. I feel like it would give ME some help in that I know there's something real causing this behavior and it's not just a discipline issue. But that's not a good enough answer.

So fellow amothers, what do you say?

OP - if you want me to branch this to another thread, I will. I just feel like I have the right audience here of mothers who understand this alternate universe....

I find the diagnosis helpful in that it gives me a place to start. I can then do all the research into behavior modifications, discipline methods, meds/natural alternatives, etc. Also it's helpful when you have to explain your kid to other people (teachers, babysitters, etc).

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 1:53 pm

Hi, mother of six. One of whom is ,extremely difficult. I also have cancer, and I find all the talk about wishing to have a terminal illness, instead of a tough kid ridiculous.

You don't hate your kid, or at least ,I hope not. You hate the behavior. I love my son. If I can't who will? Its as hard for him as it is for me. I try to remember that.

try to beless explosive myself. If I stay cvalm, its easier to tame him.

I look for what isgood in him. I try to show him that its there, to build him up. Part of why these kids are so hard is the constant beating of their self esteem. They can't see themselves as good.

I go out of my way to make things he likes, and tell him I do it for him. It makes him know I love him, even though its hard to love him. I am his mother, he is from me, I will love him no matter what.

I would give my life for him. And I will fight for my life for him. Because he needs me, even when he hates me.

Please don't say you would rather die, trust me, you don't want that. I live with that over my head. With hashems help, I planm on seeing my son, married and having children and grandchildren. I know he is tough. I know tat sometimes I just can't bear the behaviour. Ialso ,know this cchild is destined for greatness. And I just. Need to help him there.

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 9:39 pm

I am the OP. Many of the things you have written have been very helpful, loving, and kind. I am not alone in this, others are suffering too, there are solutions. I liked the amother who mentioned saying positive things to herself, instead of bemoaning her fate. and the amother who struggled for years but now has 2 mentschlik adult children.

To the mothers who mentioned "a nurtured heart approach," we are working with that approach. I started using a credit system with my son and we are seeing some success. To the amother who used "total transformation," I have heard about this. tell me more.

to greenfire: I thought a lot about whether or not to post this, but I did not find your post helpful at all.

Quote:

stop threatening foster care - you're only creating more animosity from him to you ... especially if that's a path you will seriously need to go on one day ...

firstly, I never said I THREATENED with foster care. that's number 1. I said that sometimes I felt that child NEEDED to be in foster care.

number 2,

Quote:

to wish you had cancer when there are people suffering & even dying from cancer is an insult to those who are ill or their memories ... just say you want to die or kill yourself & call a spade a spade

I WAS calling a spade a spade. those are my fantasies sometimes. I DON'T want to davka kill myself. I have 6 kids and a husband - killing myself would be totally irresponsible. I am suffering, and it's a very average reaction to intense suffering to feel like dying. as for that being insulting to people dying of cancer, quite frankly, I find your lack of empathy insulting. I came to this forum for SUPPORT. you will notice the first words in my title: "please help me." if I went to a cancer ward and went up to the patients and said, "I feel like dying sometimes because of my hardships with my child," yeah, maybe that would be insulting. but expressing myself honestly in a forum that I came to for SUPPORT is something else. so thanks for belittling me, I appreciate that.

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 11:54 pm

amother wrote:

Yet another amother chiming in here to say me too.

It's so comforting to see this thread, even though that doesn't sound so nice to say. I felt so alone since I am dealing with two like this (yes, boys, with other boys in the house learning from it as well....)

The past few weeks have been particularly difficult, and I've been walking around feeling so down about it. I love my children intensely, yet sometimes I find myself really not able to like being around them at all. I feel like such a failure, and as a perfectionist who never took failure easily, I am finding this nisayon dreadfully challenging.

I have read most of The Explosive Child but you know - my explosive child seems atypical -- explosions are not necessarily from confrontations that can be worked through. I see the strategy can work in some scenarios, but we get explosions from just about anything that causes discomfort - such as being hungry (and he was just served supper, but it may be chicken and he wants milchigs tonight, so....overturn the plate and start throwing chairs at Mommy/hitting the brother sitting next to you/etc), or a brother tripped over him by mistake and stepped on his toe, or his tzitzis are not laying straight, etc. I just ordered The Nurtured Heart book and hope it will be helpful.

To all the mothers sharing this -- hugs all around. I am bookmarking this thread so that I can come back and gain comfort when I need.

re The Explosive Child, iirc, it does deal with teaching flexibility and frustration tolerance in situations like the ones you describe. I dont remember which techniques I got from which books anymore, they all kind of blend together. but maybe dont react to the overturned plate and thrown chairs and say 'you dont want this supper. ok, what can we do'. I find if I dont engage in the tantrum and set my goal as 'help him use his words' or something like that, I stay focused and it ends more quickly (hopefully with some learning happening for next time, but not always). when I get caught up in it and try to discipline the explosive behavior, I am throwing fuel on a fire and nobody gains anything. TEC recommends not punishing most explosive behaviors but rather using them as learning opportunities. for both child and parent. you can learn to recognize 'pre explosive' behavior and intervene BEFORE the chair becomes airborne. if your child trusts that you are on his side, all the better. the goal is not to get him to stop misbehaving but to give him the tools to behave the way he and you want him to behave. because these kids really want to behave well, they often dont know how.

and to the OP, I've been there too. hugs.

greenfire

Wed, Mar 12 2014, 6:10 pm

amother wrote:

I am the OP. ...

to greenfire: I thought a lot about whether or not to post this, but I did not find your post helpful at all.

Quote:

is there a proper response to someone in agony ... maybe - maybe not ...

yet here you are claiming I have no empathy when that is precisely what you are lacking when you think dying of cancer won't torture your children any more than suicide ... reality speaking children watch their ill mother - the process is long & tedious - or short & quick - but always with pain & treatments & agonizing whether or not if they will or won't die ...

I'd be the first one by your side to understand how it feels to wish you just die & get rid of the pain ... having hard kids is torture - being at a loss as to how to help them is double torture - hating your life makes sense

if you have the wherewithal you might take a moment to listen to the hespedim of a woman of valour - a mother of 9 - wondering how her kids will grow up to the standards she worked so hard to change in herself & keep for her family, if she is no longer alive to raise her children [from a 9 month old baby to a just barely bar-mitzva boy] - she died the other week after an intense battle with cancer - how will she ever rest in peace when those were her last thoughts ?!?!?!

http://www.localjewishnews.com.....r-zl/

so I'm still going to stand by what I said & beg of you to see the vast difference in feeling like dying & wishing you had cancer

it's up to you to listen or not to advice written - it's up to me to choose to write how I view something you say ...

and if you look closely I supported your child's needs - right along with your emotions of needing a break so that you don't feel like dying but rather find ways to help your son & heal from your frustrations

greenfire wrote:

you need to call in the troops from therapists, to medicines, to people who can help give you a respite ... get him a 'big brother' - he needs an outlet to let out his aggressions so your family can be safe

take 'me' time for yourself to recharge ~

amother

Wed, Mar 12 2014, 9:54 pm

First, let me tell you,I can understand your pain, your anger, your resentment, all of it. I, too, have a son like you describe. What he did to the family dynamics was awful, but he wasn't in control of himself, even on meds, even with the "top"doctors. This is a neurological/psychological disorder. I can write so much to let you know you aren't alone in how you feel. I'm the one who started a story group for mothers with children like this, and other issues. Pm me and I can try to help you realize you are a good enough mother, and that's really all you need to be. (((Hugs)))

ettilou

Wed, Mar 12 2014, 9:56 pm

amother wrote:

First, let me tell you,I can understand your pain, your anger, your resentment, all of it. I, too, have a son like you describe. What he did to the family dynamics was awful, but he wasn't in control of himself, even on meds, even with the "top"doctors. This is a neurological/psychological disorder. I can write so much to let you know you aren't alone in how you feel. I'm the one who started a support group for mothers with children like this, and other issues. Pm me and I can try to help you realize you are a good enough mother, and that's really all you need to be. (((Hugs)))