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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
I can't have anything to my self



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amother


 

Post Tue, Mar 18 2014, 11:46 am
I need advice

this is a small thing compared to what I have been though with this child but it's making me crazy

I have a 13 year old adhd son. He has lots of issues and ignore what I can in the house as I can't go crazy about everything

my problem is he thinks that everythign is his. I can't have anything for myself

this goes if I buy a chocolate bar for myself and hide it under my underwear
a flashlight I buy to read in bed when dh is sleeping
he takes my batteries from my cordless for his nintendo
he goes through dh's tools and they all go missing
and anything else of mine he goes through

he takes the stickers that I buy for prizes for my girls.
it's making me crazy. I started locking my bedroom door and made it clear that noone can go in
(although he is really the only issue - the other kids can understand boundaries)
he takes the key and unlocks it

it's so frustrating and making me crazy.

what can I do? he understands no boundaries (yes he also listens to all my phone calls)

any ideas
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the world's best mom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 18 2014, 12:01 pm
Wear the key to your bedroom around your neck? And keep telling him and telling him. He may be too immature to restrain himself, even though he may know in his head that he's doing the wrong thing. That's part of the impulsivity that comes with ADHD.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 18 2014, 12:16 pm
A) Does he generally want to please you, and,

B) What posted rules and consequences do you have in place for these intrusions?

I'd focus on building the inner resources more than relying on locks and hiding places. Kids like that can find it a game to outwit you.

Visuals REALLY help. Much more than talking. Really.

The signs in our house read, "No hurting people. No hurting things."

If someone (and we have 3 with ADHD, 2 of them also have ASD) breaks one of those rules, it is an immediate time out, followed by age appropriate reparations.

For the chocolate bar, I'd have a 13 year old do a chore to pay for a replacement. Then, keep the candy in the kitchen in a labeled bag ("Mommy's"), so you don't have him pawing through your undies. Have a talk with him about how and when he can have his own candy stash, too, and set it up in a way that feels fair to both of you. For every 5 days he doesn't touch yours, he can earn a token towards more in his.

Same idea for the batteries for flashlight or Nintendo. Why not invest in rechargeables, and give him a charger and a little responsibility for maintaining them, maybe with a reward for every month of success?

For his dad's tools and for the bedroom door, a sign saying "No touching without asking" might help.

HTH!
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amother


 

Post Tue, Mar 18 2014, 12:48 pm
this is a child that no punishment works

I don't even punish anymore

I feel so lost

he wants to please me but is so impulsive (and yes it's worse when his meds wear off and when there is too much vacation)
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amother


 

Post Tue, Mar 18 2014, 1:17 pm
I totally have this too w. a teen girl. Last night I made her pay $14. for eating up a box of lunch snacks.

Will see if that behavior changes or not.

Takes her sister's stuff too. & my makeup.

I would probably give her all these things if she would ask, but she just takes.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 18 2014, 1:51 pm
amother wrote:
this is a child that no punishment works

I don't even punish anymore

I feel so lost

he wants to please me but is so impulsive (and yes it's worse when his meds wear off and when there is too much vacation)


I hear you! I remember having long talks with DH about consequences for rudeness or outbursts at the Shabbos table not teaching lessons after hundreds of times. I do get it.

But these situations are different, because they involve more planning than an impulsive outburstor a meltdown. For the sake of the other kids as well as for his sake, you cannot let him ride roughshod over all your belongings.

Does he see a psychologist? Ask for a referral to someone who can help you and your DH take control in a way that works, at least some percentage of the time.

There is help out there.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Mar 18 2014, 2:44 pm
he doesn't see a physchylogist and would never go
I wish I could get someone to guide me

I feel so lost and when he gets impossible I don't know what to do. - and yes my other kids do end up suffering.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 18 2014, 2:51 pm
kids like this are hard to live with ... they wreak havoc on all your senses

I'd like to say hide the key to your locked room - but chances are he will learn to pick the lock soon enough

can you find a good hiding place

if he won't see a psychologist can you at least get him into school counseling

the problem with these kids are that despite them never learning from one moment to the next - you still have to teach them right from wrong for each & every occurrence

I have a friend who does things like this - and her excuse is that she didn't know ... my answer is always 'you're a big girl & you should know' ...

same for my daughter ... sometimes no matter how much you do - it's never good enough - they want more more more & they're always apologetic - till the next opera ~ me me me
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amother


 

Post Tue, Mar 18 2014, 3:06 pm
I'll give you an example of what happened now

I told him and everyone very clearly that we are saving the rest of the sugary drinks for shabbos (from purim)

Now he told me he wanted to make a ices from it and I said no - don't do it - you did it last week and it spilled all over my fridge

now he just came to me with his frozen ices and said -- I love you mommyh - thank you for letting me make this
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 18 2014, 3:38 pm
he manipulating you ... tell him you did not let him make it ... and if he wants to have them for a shabbos treat he has to do such & such to earn them
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ElTam




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 18 2014, 5:15 pm
Did you take them away and dump them down the drain? If he gets what he wants, he'll keep doing it.

If he takes your batteries for his Nintendo, take his Nintendo. If your DH has to keep it at work until he goes two days without taking what doesn't belong to him, do that. The next time, it's three days to earn it back. Etc.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Mar 19 2014, 3:33 am
Quote:
Did you take them away and dump them down the drain? If he gets what he wants, he'll keep doing it.

If he takes your batteries for his Nintendo, take his Nintendo. If your DH has to keep it at work until he goes two days without taking what doesn't belong to him, do that. The next time, it's three days to earn it back. Etc.


and if I do that he will beet up my kids

so I don't and yes I am sort of scared of him as I have a house of kids (he is the oldest)
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 19 2014, 5:56 am
He sounds so much like my DD, except she doesn't freak out if I give her boundaries and consequences (she's an only child, so no younger ones to take her frustration out on.)

When you tell him something, have him repeat it back to you. every. single. time. Twice if you need to.

If he does it anyway, ask him "What did I say about that?" See if he even remembers. Explain to him why it's the wrong thing to do, and then ask him "If you were the parent, what would YOU do about it?" Usually kids are really good at coming up with their own consequences. That way they are more involved in the decision, and will usually accept the consequence without much whining.

Throughout all of this, remember, NO YELLING at him. Keep your voice calm, and even a bit quieter than usual. That will make him have to listen harder. If you yell, he'll just learn to tune you out. Also, don't ever use the word "punishment." That will set you up for an adversarial relationship. A consequence is a natural result from an action, and is more value neutral.

"Don't use the computer when I'm not able to sit with you."
*you find out he's been using it anyway*
"You're grounded from the computer for a week."

Having him mow the lawn all week won't make sense to him. A consequence should be as closely tied to the offense as possible. Ate all the candy on Monday? Sorry, no dessert or Shabbos treats for you. Hit little brother for touching your DS? You have to give your brother the DS for the rest of the day, and leave him alone.

And I repeat, do all of this with a lowered voice, no yelling!
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 19 2014, 6:38 am
OK. I get the picture.

You have tried to discipline him and things get worse when you do. He gets angry, and someone or something gets hurt, and life is miserable.

So, you are picking your battles. Saving the blowups for the big stuff. But in the meantime, he is ignoring house rules and driving you (and probably everyone else) crazy.

I don't know how to say this strongly enough, but I feel pressed to try.

This. Has. To. Stop. Now. While he is still 13, and the rest of the kids are younger.

We owe our kids an upbringing, and he isn't getting what he needs. Neither, obviously, are you. His behaviors have gradually undermined your confidence until it is in tatters.

As a result, he is growing up to be a terror, which is unfair to him and everyone around him. You sound like a loving mom with a lot of good instincts, who will do fine with a little support. Once you GET THE HELP YOU NEED.

Ask around and find the name of the best counselor you can. Not for him; not yet, anyway. For YOU, and maybe your DH. Someone who specializes in working with parents of difficult kids. It's a whole field. It may take more than one try to find the right counselor, so trust your instincts. It will be worth every penny.

In the meantime, try reading "Parenting the Difficult Child; The Nurtured Heart Approach". And Ross Greene's, "The Explosive Child."

About those ices. Did you talk to him further? I'd be curious if he heard you say no. My ADHD kids miss half of what I answer, so if it's important, I make them repeat it. "Mom, can I make ices?" "No, it made a mess last time, honey, remember? And I told everyone we are saving all the sugary drinks for Shabbos."

Kid hears: "Don't make a mess, and save some for Shabbos."

I say, "Tell me what you heard me say about the ices." Kid says, "You said not to make a mess nd to save some drinks for Shabbos."

I say, "That's not what I said." Kid looks surprised. I say, "I'm sorry, but the answer is no. The sugary drinks are off limits till Shabbos. Can you repeat that, please?" "The sugary drinks are off limits till Shabbos."

"Thank you for listening. Now, it you are thirsty, or want to make something cold, here are your choices..."

Bottom line: There are ways for things to get better, and you owe it to yourself, your DH, and your kids to get that help. Ask a school counselor. Ask parents of other problem kids. Ask your pediatrician.

Hugs and hatzlacha!
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amother


 

Post Wed, Mar 19 2014, 7:05 am
thanks imasinger - you seemed to get it

ds is extremely smart but then misses basic things so it's hard to know when it's real or he's taking advantage of me

and yes I do ignore a lot because I don't want to deal with it and have to concentrate on the bigger issues.

I do need someone to guide me but I have no clue who to turn to for this (I am in israel)
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 19 2014, 8:54 am
Try pm'ing Isramom8, freidasima, or Liba. They all know a number of good people in a number of places, and may be able to network the right person. Also, try a post on the EY part of the board asking for a therapist who specializes in working with parents of challenging children.

Your DS sounds like a sweet kid (the way he came and thanked you about that ice). I am confident that things can improve.
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