How can I give comfort to my cleaning woman

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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abound

Thu, Mar 20 2014, 5:54 am

I have a woman who cleans for me, & her baby just died, he was just 4 months old. She left him by a day care center and 2 hours later he was not alive, they cannot figure out what happened, but it seems like the one of the employees dropped her infant. It is extremely sad.
She is not jewish so there is no shiva and she did not notify me about a funeral. She took off for 2 weeks and is coming back in 2 days. She only comes to me once a week. I cannot see myself just letting her clean without me doing something for her. She does not speak my language well, and is from Etrea, which is deep in Africa. Does anyone know what the customs would be there? Is there anything that I can do to show her support? I was thinking of baking her a cake, but I do not know if that is appropriate in her culture or if it is considered celebratory.
Any ideas?

etky

Thu, Mar 20 2014, 6:22 am

Oh my - I read about this case in the news. Very tragic.
I think you are right that her loss should be acknowledged somehow. It's hard when you don't share a culture or even a language with someone. Almost all our mourning and comfort rituals are religious or cultural. I don't know about a cake. Do you know what her religion is? Do you know if she is literate in any language?

Frumdoc

Thu, Mar 20 2014, 6:24 am

You don't need to do what is traditional in Eritrea, for one thing it will depend very much on her ethnic or tribal background, and you can't know that without asking. And she probably has friends who will do the right thing for her.

Get her a card, or a small book of poetry, something sweet and meaningful, and just tell her how sorry you are. And be prepared to support if she wants. Just let her know you care.

abound

Thu, Mar 20 2014, 6:43 am

etky wrote:

Where did you read it, I would like to read it so that I can see what happened. I do not know her religion, it seems very cultural though. Interestingly she has a lot of similarities to Judiasim. Succos she saw our lulav and my kids were making rings to hold the lulav haddasim and aravot, she could not believe it, she said that this time of the year they decorate the house with lulavim and make themselves accessories (rings etc) out of the pieces also. It made her feel so good to see them all over my house (I was going crazy from the mess LOL

) I do think she is somewhat literate but I am not sure. She was by a neighbor today who tried giving her more money to buy herself something, and because she missed 2 weeks of work, but she refused to take the money.

etky

Thu, Mar 20 2014, 7:01 am

http://www.ynet.co.il/articles......html

I believe this must be the story since it fits in with the details that you mentioned.
I asked if she was literate because then you could indeed write something, buy a card or even a book. If she is Christian then something from the Bible could be comforting, like from Psalms.

hila

Thu, Mar 20 2014, 7:20 am

Via google I found this

Quote:

Death
When someone is diagnosed with a life threatening illness or is dying, it is advisable to first tell a family member or next of kin. This person will be able to offer advice on how to approach the person, or may serve as the informant. Often a group of close friends or family will go to the house of the person whose relative/spouse has died to inform them of the death and provide support and comfort.

While traditionally the mourning period may last up to two weeks, modern mourning periods may last only a weekend due to practicality.

The mourning ritual includes wearing black garments and gathering at a central community location. Male and female family members will sit on the floor in separate sections of the room. Visitors may come and go during this period, sitting around the family as they mourn. As visitors leave, they may express their condolences to the family and offer money to help defray burial costs. Often one visitor will cry loudly in order to spark emotional responses from others and move the grieving process along. This person is usually designated by someone in the community to fulfill this role. At a certain point, the family will announce closure and the mourning ritual will be over.

Eritreans do not practice cremation but bury their dead. Often families wish to send the deceased back to Eritrea for burial. This is expensive, sometimes costing over $20,000. The trend of sending the deceased back to Eritrea is slowly fading due to financial constraints, increasing acculturation, and immigration (fewer elders remain in Eritrea and since the deceased are generally returned to Eritrea in order for elders to have closure, this is no longer necessary).

If a spouse dies, Eritreans generally do not remarry; although they are more likely to if they did not have children from the marriage.

abound

Thu, Mar 20 2014, 7:33 am

Thanks to all of you, you did help me. I may try giving her money telling her it is for the burial. Etky, it is the right article, thank you for posting a link, I appreciate it. I am so sorry for her loss. She is a good woman. Oh and for those that need to know, she is here legally (for another few months)

etky

Thu, Mar 20 2014, 8:18 am

I think it's interesting that the baby's name was Joel. I wonder what the significance of the name was to the parents? Aside from offering your condolences, maybe you can ask her about it when she comes. It might be comforting for her to talk about him and I'm sure she'd appreciate your interest.

greenfire

Thu, Mar 20 2014, 10:10 am

condolence card with monies toward the funeral sounds like a wonderful gesture ... but I would be sure to convey the message to her as well verbally when you see her next

ectomorph

Thu, Mar 20 2014, 10:18 am

greenfire wrote:

condolence card with monies toward the funeral sounds like a wonderful gesture ... but I would be sure to convey the message to her as well verbally when you see her next

Yes, this sounds safest.

flowerpower

Thu, Mar 20 2014, 10:20 am

I was thinking of a sympathy card and flowers or chocolate. That is very tragic!!!

etky

Thu, Mar 20 2014, 10:58 am

Thinking about this some more in the cultural context. Condolence cards are really not an Israeli thing at all. In general, pre-formulated greeting cards are not as entrenched a social nicety here as they are in the States. I'm not sure what an Israeli would make of receiving such a card, much less someone from Eritrea. A personal, handwritten note is something else, providing she is literate in Hebrew or English of course. I think a few words of comfort and perhaps the monetary contribution towards the funeral expenses is best.

greenfire

Thu, Mar 20 2014, 11:03 am

you're right a personal note is nicer than a fabricated card

abound

Thu, Mar 20 2014, 12:30 pm

actually her children's names are all Jewish sounding (her older son is Yifat). I find it very interesting. We keep hearing more and more things about her that I am convinced that somewhere in the past she had Jewish ancestors. I think I will give her a card with a note. I was in touch with her and expressed my sympathy on the phone a few times and I will def do that in person. I think I will stay away from flowers because in her culture it may be a upbeat kind of thing to give flowers and chocolate and I do want to stay away from anyting I am unsure of. I now need to write a letter in very simple English with a tiny drop of Hebrew and hope she understands it. I will get to it asap.

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Mar 20 2014, 5:24 pm

Wikipedia says that Judaism is not one of the officially recognized religions there, and religions have to be registered there.

Yes, Judaism has an ancient history in Eritrea, says Wiki, but not now.

I wouldn't imply she has a Jewish past. That doesn't fly where she comes from. It is probably not true anyway.

The religions there are "Abrahamic" says Wiki, which accounts for the kids' names. A third of the country is Sunni-Muslim, and about half Catholic or Xtian Orthodox. Which of those she is might not be your business.

I would ease up on the flowers, chocolates, poems, and all: it's another world.

Money, however, might be appreciated. But even that might not be; you might delicately ask if you can "make a contribution to the funeral as a gesture of respect".

I had a laundry lady once who lost a child. She wanted to mention it, briefly, and tell me, and then she wanted me to be quiet. I was. She was an American Catholic, knew her mind, and could express her needs clearly, so it was easier than your situation.

babula

Thu, Mar 20 2014, 6:02 pm

From my understanding many eretrean jews were converted to xtianity by missionaries in the 1800's and 1900's. There was also allot of pressure on the Jews to assimilate. My husband took a taxi in edmonton Alberta to s shull to hear megillah. The taxi driver was eretrean and the son of a Jewish convert to xtianity. When he realised he was taking my husband to shull turned the meter off.

simhat_nisuyyin

Thu, Mar 20 2014, 8:09 pm

If she describes making palm frond rings, then she is most likely Orthodox Christian as that is what the Ethiopian rite Orthodox Christians do for Palm Sunday (actually April-time, not around Sukkot), and I believe there's also an Eritrean church in similar communion. If she is Christian, which it sounds like she probably is, it's possible to tell her that you are praying for her and her baby, and to give her something small to let her know you are thinking of her. I don't think it would be offensive. Though she might have refused the money out of embarrassment or pride, she might appreciate something else. If I remember correctly, offering money to help with the burial IS part of the traditional mourning practices, though it might only be shayach if you're an "insider" attending the shiva-like mourning period. Either way, I would try to be comforting, offer some money to help pay for the burial, and maybe cook and pack a meal for her to take home to her family (especially if the money is refused). It can be awkward and difficult to know what to do for someone who has experienced such tragedy, so yashar koach for trying to figure this out and be there for someone you employ.

abound

Wed, Mar 26 2014, 6:14 am

I offered her money and she refused it but def did appreciate it. I gave her some nosh and toys for her older son which she took happily.
She named her kids-Jewish names- because they are in Israel and she wants them to integrate (which I hope they still let everyone know they are not Jewish)
Her 3/4 front bottom teeth are knocked out when she came back- anyone know why, (she said that they are falling out, but they are not rotting so that is an excuse- and no I did not ask her, she brought it up and started telling me, I just listened. )

sister

Wed, Mar 26 2014, 7:29 am

oy my heart is breaking.. this poor woman
hashem should comfort her

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