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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
Is my daughter being bullied?



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amother


 

Post Tue, Apr 01 2014, 1:18 pm
Is this considered a spinoff?

I was just reading the recent thread on bullying and freaking out a little. No one is doing anything so dramatic to my daughter as dumping out her napsack or 'taking' her things per se. But here's what I gather happens:

[Important to note that dd is excessively shy and lacks social skills. She has a therapist to address this and some issues, but it's very long term. Dd is very socially closed and doesn't connect.]

One girl plays with her hair and upsets it although dd doesn't like it.
When dd brings in things for a particular girl, other girls demand it and are pushy.
In general, girls a pushy and make her 'trade' for things she might not want, or give them things.

By in large there's no one in particular girl. I feel like the girls are just generally pushy, especially compared to dd who is very shy and passive.

She tends to come home and go to school pretty happy, and doesn't complain much except on occasion regarding the above issues.

Regardless, I'd really like to teach dd what bullying is, how to recognize it, as one mother did, but she is easily frightened and I don't want to put ideas into her head. I was wondering if there's a book for that purpose, if My Friend the Bully accomplishes this..?
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oliveoil




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 01 2014, 4:11 pm
how old is she?
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amother


 

Post Tue, Apr 01 2014, 7:07 pm
Hi, yes I should have mentioned: She's 6, in pre-1a.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 01 2014, 7:54 pm
I think it is far more beneficial for you to teach her how to stand up for herself in general rather than about bullies. It sounds like this is a general problem for her, and will help her even if there is a bullying component. Talk to the social worker so she knows to focus on this; sometimes they aren't privy to all these situations that go on outside their sessions. Also talk to the teacher about things like the girl playing with her hair - your DD should learn how to more assertively say she doesn't want it, and the teacher should make sure the other kid is respecting that.

At that age especially, and especially with the problem you're describing, I would try to just avoid the situation where DD brings things for a specific girl. Not sure how or why that would be necessary in pre-1-a.

I think the books about bullies are more helpful for the bystanders, who might join the wrong side or be too passive if they aren't taught otherwise. But for your daughter, I think it would be more likely to make her nervous and worry that people are bullying her in situations that are really more normal.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Apr 01 2014, 9:00 pm
Thanks Seeker, everything you posted makes sense to me.

Any books or advice on teaching her how to stand up for herself?

Also, you wrote: At that age especially, and especially with the problem you're describing, I would try to just avoid the situation where DD brings things for a specific girl. Not sure how or why that would be necessary in pre-1-a.

Actually, there were a few weeks where every day she'd come home and talk about a girl who asked her for something, saying she'd give xyz in return (I doubted she would), and dd saying she had to bring chips in for so and so, etc... What do you think that's about?
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 01 2014, 9:26 pm
That sounds like it deserves a talk with the teacher. Non-confrontational, just to gain clarity. Sometimes kids exchange snacks as part of making friends, but your DD sounds somewhat naive - either she is trying to buy friends with snacks on her own, which isn't going to be as effective as she thinks, or the other kid is trying to take advantage of her naivete. Some schools or classes have policies against the whole trading business because it does tend to get fishy. A talk with the teacher can help you understand how the class politics work and how to support your daughter appropriately.

From a mom perspective, I might consider telling the child "This is your snack for the day. It's up to you whether you eat it or give it to someone. If you give it to someone else and they don't give you something at the same time, you will probably be left without anything. So if you want to eat your snack yourself, you can tell the other girls "No thank you, I don't want to trade today." (preferably after confirming with the teacher that this is reasonable; because things aren't always as fair as you'd assume... it's possible, though not so likely, that there really is some popular kid who brings snacks for everyone or something. So it's best to first confirm what the norm is, and then advise the kid how to navigate the situation)

I don't know offhand any books about being assertive, but I'll let you know if I remember any. It comes in the same category as general confidence and self-expression. If she's shy in school, at least at home you can encourage her to express her opinions and preferences. And VALIDATE, VALIDATE, VALIDATE - if she says she doesn't like something, respect that and don't make her do it anyway. Teach her by both example and encouragement that her feelings matter.

"A Bargain for Frances" is one book that just popped into my head that could be a good discussion starter for things like peer pressure, fair trading, and sticking up for yourself. Not a how-to manual, just great food for thought and conversation.
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