Nebach | Imamother

amother

Thu, Jun 02 2011, 6:06 pm

Dearest List Subscribers,

I knew I was sitting on a ticking time bomb. For the past month or two, I saw it coming. The first signs of subtle changes taking place in my life. If I didn’t do something fast, really fast, I’d be a victim and not an innocent one. After all, I deserved it.

You see, I got married 23.5 months ago. By all means I was rapidly approaching my second anniversary. Second anniversary and no telltale signs. Second anniversary and nothing besides three jobs to show for it. Let alone, I had a wonderful husband and cooked supper and cleaned and worked very hard. But, I was approaching my second anniversary, nonetheless. Two years fit all the criteria, I was doomed.

I saw how others fell prey to It so unsuspectingly, and I vowed that I would do anything to keep it at arm’s length.

However, I was not successful. I saw my name going from the Maybe List to the Pending List and finally, as my husband and I were enjoying our anniversary supper, I managed to climb the ladder to the Accepted List.

I once eavesdropped on the Committee. I have an aunt that does loads of chesed which includes compiling The List. I came to fetch some cocoa for my mother when I heard her deep in conversation. (At that point I was on the Maybe List, as I was 20.5 and not yet engaged. However, soon after I found my bashert and was duly whisked off.)Her conference room was set up for an important meeting. The issue; her neighbor, a divorcee, was getting engaged. Problem; The List had an empty slot. The choices; a cousin showing signs of rebellion, a mechitan that has gone bankrupt, or the neighbor that just had a child with Down Syndrome. (Nebach)

As the NLC (Nebach List committee) was busy arguing the pros and cons of each one, I pressed my body against the wall and listened. I must admit, Klal Yisroel is blessed to have such righteous women in their midst. To see women from all walks of life relinquishing endless hours to The Cause, debating and weighing the details in each case was a lesson in… well… I don’t know. The house vibrated with sighs, and the compassion emanating from those walls left me feeling… well… I don’t know.

When they left through the back door (confidentiality assured), I took the chance. I slithered past the heavy List files and finally reached the updated version.

The precision left me inspired. First there was the title emblazed In Algerian, size 24 font. The Nebach List.

In italics they proudly had their mission statement, Saying nebach makes one virtuous, it depicts a heightened sensitivity of not forgetting our poor brethren while we have it good.
Seven, soldier-like columns, with bold titles, keep things in order. There’s the Teen at Risk, Divorced, Widowed or orphaned, Infertility, Health Issues, Lack of Parnassa, and Older Singles column. The columns are subdivided into various background shades of grey. This, of course, varies according to the intensity. Infertility and older singles are categorized by years. Divorced and widowed by the amount of children in their possession. Teens at Risk, parnassa, and health are rated according to intensity.

My mother’s status as news reporter to the committee is at stake. You see, they are pondering about what to do regarding an overflow of emails to the editor. Countless subscribers and ardent followers of The Nebach List request an added column to The List, entitled Parents of Nebachs. And once your name garnered recognition by the NLC you are permanently banned from saying the word Nebach.

Because, as the mission statement ascertains, the goal is to make the non-nebachs feel good about themselves.

Besides for the shading, each name on the coveted List has a little symbol. A key on the bottom articulately explains that; the reaction when seeing or mentioning any of those names.
The Maybe List deserves an (almost) inaudible sigh, and a warm I”YH by you. The Pending List garners only the word NEBACH, while the Accepted List, needs the word Nebach repeated twice accompanied with a sigh loud enough to shake the Empire State Building.

Although I’m admittedly impressed by the organization of The List, I think they’re missing something. I’ve noticed a conspicuous eye-blink thrown in somewhere between the second Nebach and the sigh. It’s not used all the time. It’s reserved for the Nebachs (nebach) that brought their own problems upon themselves. Namely: the divorced, the teens-at-risk, and sometimes even the infertile ones (like me, nebach, nebach, blink, sigh.) After all, these Nebachs could’ve avoided this. And, the eye blink only becomes perfect through much practice. (My colleague is the best at it yet, she never ceases to amaze me with the perfect arch of her brows when looking at my flat stomach.)

I think I get lots of schar for making so many people say nebach for me. Including, shvigger, mother, shver, father, grandmother, colleagues, neighbors, cousins’ mechitunim etc. I have the privilege of making them all feel good about their heightened sense of rachmanus.
In conclusion, I hope and daven never to go darker. (I think all the subscribers can help me with that.)

Before I sign off I want to thank all those that make The List a possibility. Without you I would never have been in such a fascinating situation. I feel privileged to be the talk of town. People that have never as much glanced in my direction are taking a personal interest in whether it’s a male of female factor, or whether or not I visited a doctor.

Likewise, my divorcee of a friend (nebach, nebach, blink, sigh) is getting more acquaintances as you’re reading these lines. Klal Yisroel is very interested in knowing if her husband abused her, or if he survived on drugs.

Signed,
The Members of The List

P.S. I know the thrill of saying Nebach. After all, I myself said it for 23 years.

seeker

Thu, Jun 02 2011, 6:30 pm

Growing

Thu, Jun 02 2011, 7:07 pm

Well Done! Really gives one food for thought!

amother

Thu, Jun 02 2011, 8:07 pm

Well said. I think the notion of the list perpetuates whatever the "nebach" case is. Alone, I would not think that me being married 22.5 months with no child in or out of sight is a nebach case. But with our society's (neighbors and relatives and well-meaning friends) view on the topic, I feel like I want to move to some non- Jewish community where my life does not revolve around children (until I am able to sustain a pregnancy, G-d willing).

Smile1

Thu, Jun 02 2011, 8:41 pm

I mean, like neeeeeeeeeeeb - baaaaaaaaach.

yaeliq

Thu, Jun 02 2011, 9:30 pm

I was recently at a simcha, and after an entire evening of conversation with the woman next to me, she turned to me and said, "Nebech... Nebech, I must tell you...." and proceeded to tell me the story of my own wedding 15 years ago, at which I, in her opinion, was the star nebach.... OK, neither my husband or I are from here and the community married us off, but, really, as much as we appreciated it, neither of us asked for or expected it. And 15 years later, this woman crawls out of the woodwork to inform me of my nebech status!

Pondering that for a few days, vacillating between humiliation and mirth, I realized that I have, in my lifetime, met exactly ZERO persons who would not fall into the category of neb for one reason or another. My feeling is, "Nebech on those who think they are above being a neb, for that is REALLY nebbie!"

BTW, Dr Grazi states in his book "Overcoming Infertility: A Guide for Jewish Couples" that for the average couple, there is no need to worry until trying for at least 2 years! (And, BTW, it's a little known fact that hypnosis can help with fertility issues!!! PM me if you want to know more about that one!)

amother

Thu, Jun 02 2011, 10:25 pm

Love it!

Well, don't "love" it cause I wish we both weren't in the situation, but you know what I mean. Wink

runninglate

Thu, Jun 02 2011, 10:35 pm

I once worked with someone who was hysterical about not being pregnant yet after being married for a short time. She told me someone comforted her by saying " I know what it feels like, I didnt have a baby until I was married two years. And im thinking " hello, so you were pregnant one yr and three months after getting married. Tragic. Gosh.

amother

Thu, Jun 02 2011, 11:21 pm

Or like my grandma who, with tears in her eyes, told me today how she hopes Hashem accepts the prayers that she prays on my behalf, so I should be blessed with a child really soon.

P.S. I'm married for 20 months. (My gosh! Are people really doing the "Nebach, nebach, blink, sigh" thingie on me already?)

Raisin

Fri, Jun 03 2011, 4:55 am

RR6178 wrote:

you know some people will start getting nervous if 3 whole months have gone by and nothing has happened. So that would be 12 months more of failed cycles. And you don't KNOW that you will get pregnant in a year until you do.

I am wondering how is infertility someones fault?????

amother

Fri, Jun 03 2011, 3:39 pm

Very well done!!!

irrationalrose

Fri, Jun 03 2011, 6:20 pm

You left out another key part of the NL Charter - when you actually see someone on the NL or a parent of a Nebach Lister it is imperative that you give them random advice, preferably citing some segula involving tying berries to a tree for fertility or walking around the kever of some tzaddik seven times for a shidduch, etc.

Lovemylife

Sun, Jun 05 2011, 12:07 pm

Beautifully written and really funny : )

Great perspective...

TzenaRena

Sun, Jun 05 2011, 1:10 pm

Quote:

think I get lots of schar for making so many people say nebach for me. Including, shvigger, mother, shver, father, grandmother, colleagues, neighbors, cousins’ mechitunim etc. I have the privilege of making them all feel good about their heightened sense of rachmanus.
In conclusion, I hope and daven never to go darker. (I think all the subscribers can help me with that.)

having been on the "nebach list" more years than I want to tell, I still don't like this little satire.

It's very uncomfortable to be feel or know that you're the object of anyone's rachmonus, or comments to others, but we can/should give most people the benefit of the doubt that feeling rachmonus doesn't make them feel superior. Undoubtedly there are some busybodies, but c'mon, the parents and inlaws etc.? They're not allowed to care about their own children? My own parents and in-laws, were fantastic in this regard. Never an intrusive remark, but plenty of caring and sensitivity to us, and our situation.

It is painful. Very painful. There's no need to deny that, by somehow implicating others either near and dear, or just acquaintances as the cause. It kind of reminds me of a young child who strikes out at everyone around him when agitated, or in a tantrum.

Quote:

I will never forget the kindness of a woman who had btdt and took me under her wing years before Atime existed, or much information was available. That was unsolicited, but real support, and appreciated; even segulos can give hope (if they are real ones) we did kvater countless times Smile

Quote:

I know the thrill of saying Nebach. After all, I myself said it for 23 years.

that just confirms my point. Do you consider yourself a busybody?

Dimpled

Sun, Jun 05 2011, 1:32 pm

All this is reminding me... my cousin got married several months after me, and while I got pregnant pretty soon after my wedding she took a little longer. My family, however, was all so paranoid! all I kept hearing about was talk about different fertility doctors (never in front of her, of course) and all the davening everyone's doing for her etc that after the birth of my ds I actually told her " I davened for you by my birth"!! I felt really stupid right after I said it though (It was meant to be comforting for her, but being that only my FAMILY was worried, she was probably more offended than grateful!) Very Happy

Ribbie Danzinger

Sun, Jun 05 2011, 3:28 pm

My first pregnancy ended eight months after it began, with a painful (physically and emotionally) stillbirth. A few weeks later, someone who knew me saw me and unknowingly, wished me a hearty mazal tov. When I explained the situation, she was truly upset and immediately asked me for my name, so that she could daven for me. I did not feel that I was being treated as a nebach. I felt that her attitude was far more cosoling than all the people who told me things like, "well, you're still young, you'll soon have another baby," or "look, you got pregnant soon after marriage - you will get pregnant again and soon have a housefull of kids," or "I had x number of miscarriages before I had my x number of children" etc.
It's o.k. and perhaps even healthy after 23.5 months of marriage for you not to feel that you need peoples' compassion and prayers. Appreciate the time you have with your husband to grow together and develop your love for one another but don't look down on people who turn to Hashem on your behalf. Their prayers for you, in any context, are only for your benefit. Think of it as if they have opened a deposit account in your name and anyone can deposit their prayers for you there for you to cash them in whenever you need them. You may never need to make use of their prayers - perhaps their deposits will serve for the best for your children and grandchildren or for others who could use some of that compassion and you will just live off the "interest."

ectomorph

Mon, Apr 07 2014, 1:05 pm

lol, had to bump

amother

Mon, Apr 07 2014, 1:41 pm

Love it!

As a mother of a child with SN - I know the feeling!

amother

Mon, Apr 07 2014, 1:51 pm

OP

My situation trumps everything on your list