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I am so stressed!



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amother


 

Post Tue, Apr 08 2014, 1:51 am
And I don't even know why. The incident is basically over and I know it wasn't my fault and yet it's giving me this huge pit in my stomach.

We had guests for Shabbos and since we don't have a guest room we had them sleep by a neighbor who is also a close relative. Turns out they were horrible guests - I never would have known. By day they are normal seeming people! But the person they slept by just sent me a long email complaining: They "trashed" the room where they stayed, the kids were noisy in the morning, one of the kids left the room in middle of the night unsupervised and the mother said she didn't know he left (there was a lock on the door, though, guess they didn't use it), they got things foody not long before Pesach, they overstayed their welcome (every time I've gone away for a Shabbos that ends late I've been offered to sleep there until Sunday morning, but I guess she wanted them gone right after Shabbos)

The thing is that the email was filled with guilt tripping. I should really just not listen to it but it's too late, I already read it and it is stressing me out: She really didn't want to have guests but didn't want to be mean and I should have understood from the way she answered that it wasn't really a yes ( Scratching Head ), she has been overworked with Pesach coming and other stuff going on (which I did know about; but all I did was ASK if my guests could sleep in her house, I didn't beg or coerce or anything! Should I have not asked? Scratching Head ) and she really needed personal space and didn't feel comfortable in her own house with the guests there and knowing they could come in or out whenever (so what did you agree to it for?) And how after all the hard work she's been doing and preparing for Pesach and now she didn't have her peace of mind over Shabbos and was left with a mess it took her all day to clean up (if she would have told me I would have come over and done it myself. We are literally neighbors. And when we asked if our guests could sleep by her I told her I did not want to make extra work for her - I sent over linens WITH a DH to put them on and picked them up after, he told me the room was neat and I believed him but... men.)

So anyway I'm pretty upset.

To make matters worse we had invited the same people for yom tov. Even if we found a different place for them to stay, if they were really that bad I wouldn't wish them on anyone. We literally do not have an inch to spare to have them by us. But I also feel terrible uninviting them so close to yomtov. They really do not have anyplace else to go, that's why we invited them in the first place, but I didn't realize this would happen and there is just no way I can go through this again. Making extra food and entertaining guests is no big deal to me, but the possibility that they're going to trash someone else's house is just too stressful for me to handle. So I guess I will have to uninvite them and feel guilty about that, rather than have them sleep by someone who will regret it and feel guilty about that

Sad I explained to my host that I had no idea or intention for it to be that way, apologized profusely, and asked that she just say no in the future if she does not want to host (since we have no guest space, this is a favor we ask repeatedly - not very often, but it does recur. Maybe a few times a year, for however many years we live here.) and also that if anything like that ever happens again she should tell me and I will clean up. And apologized again. Now how to tell a struggling family that they have no place for yomtov... Sad And how to get rid of this pit in my stomach...
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November




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 08 2014, 2:17 am
Sounds like your neighbor has reached a breaking point. Can you get her a little gift for having hosted? And unless you can find somewhere else for your friends to stay, I'd say you have to uninvite them. You can't have them at the expense of your neighbor or at the expense of your relationship with your neighbor. Then take some deep breaths and let time heal. I believe it will but there is so much extra stress around Pesach time. You sound like your heart is in the right place. Good luck!
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deena19k




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 08 2014, 2:23 am
Do you have older kids that could sleep at a neighbor and use their room for this family to sleep in over yt? This way they'll be in your house and you won't have to worry about them ruining anyone else's houses.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Apr 08 2014, 2:39 am
A gift! November, good idea! I wonder what would do it. It wouldn't actually fix the situation but is a great idea, don't know why I didn't think of that!

I know time will heal and all but for some reason this whole thing is unreasonably emotionally stressful for me. I know very well 1. I was not at fault, 2. I could not have predicted this fiasco, 3. The hostess should have made it much clearer that she didn't want guests, 4. It was not my fault. But somehow I just feel SOOOO stressed over this! I probably should have posted in emotional health instead of guests!

We don't have any older kids who could sleep away, and as much as they need it I am not really that interested in having them in my house either if they are really that bad (I have no idea how bad it was... as I said I sent the DH to tidy up...??? "Trashed" is pretty strong language, that's what she said they did to her place...?) I did see that the parents don't really have the kids under control, that I observed during their time with us during the day. I had not noted this in our previous encounters (never spent a whole weekend together.) So, knowing that they "trashed" (?) one place and that they don't really have their kids under control I would not move out and give them my house either. If I had an extra room I'd probably be OK with having them with me home, but we have exactly one bedroom which we share with our babies.

Basically there is nothing I can do about this and I pretty much accept that..... but still feel rotten all around. Guilty for the neighbor, guilty for the guests who will have no place for yomtov. And a little sad that I don't have guests anymore either, even if they weren't great guests at least I got the gratification of doing a mitzvah instead of having a boring lonely yomtov at home. I honestly don't know anyone else who could use an invite, and I don't even know who to ask who would know...
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vicki




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 08 2014, 2:54 am
None of the items on the list describing how the guests "trashed" the house is a big deal to me.
Maybe chametz getting somewhere but I'm skeptical as to how bad the guests really left it.
It seems the neighbors were stressed before-hand and were not up to guests and had very low tolerance. Of course, they should have said so.
A kid left his room because he wasn't locked in? Who locks a kid in their bedroom overnight? Did he do anything wrong?
The kids were loud in the morning? That is to be expected when you have guests with kids. Was this 3 AM? Or more like 7 AM?
I've had all kinds of episodes with guests - none of which I considered deal breakers. Agreeing to host guests includes agreeing to some changes to the normal program: pish in beds, legos over the playroom floor, spilled stuff not wiped up, early risers.
It never in my wildest dreams occurred to me to write a note detailing the undesirable behavior.

Now if they stole stuff or broke things and didn't tell me ...
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