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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Pesach
Hate my husband. feel so unappreciated
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amother


 

Post Sun, Apr 13 2014, 11:37 am
I hate my husband. There. I said it.
He is so unappreciative and gives any opportunity to tell me what I should be doing and how what I did was wrong. We have a toddler, a 9 m.o. and 18 m.o. babies. I make pesach ever since weve gottwn married. My mom lives in town and I called her this morning to help watch the babies while I took toddler to pesach camp since dh was at shacharis. I then went to the store and dod errrands while I was out. He came home while I was gone - I was out for abt an hour. When I came home he barraged me with nonsence rthat I shouldnnt call my mother to come I should just take the babies with me on erranda. Otherwise I shouldn't go on errands at all and just do stuff that needs to he done IN the house. He said I call her too much to help me. I tried explaining that its so much easier to go without the babies and he said that's not true I can just put them in the shopping cart. I told him only one kid fits in a cart and he said not true. I told him HE should try that and he just rolled.his eyes and said I'm just disorganized and don't have my priorities straight. I hate him so much right now I want to smack him!!!!!!!! I don't know one person my age who actually makes pesach besides me and he's calling me incompetant. I hate him!!!!!!
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 13 2014, 11:49 am
Ewww. He's being so ugly! What is his problem that he's trying to stomp you into the ground???
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 13 2014, 11:52 am
Taking babies shopping is the pits. I never did it. Your DH should stay home from shacharis and whatever else he's doing to watch on your kids if he wants to spare your mother. I'm just glad for you that your mother is nearby. Does she let him speak to you like this??? If my SonIL talked like this to my DD, he'd get a piece of my mind. You've got three little babies and you should get all the help you need.
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SingALong




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 13 2014, 11:53 am
Hugs, I'm sorry you feel unappreciated. Making Pesach is an overwhelming task and doing it with kids in tow only adds to the challenge. BH you have your mother around and a Pesach day camp!!!! I'd ask DH to take the kids with him to the grocery while you do stuff in the house. You can kill 2 birds with 1 stone, he can see what it's like and you get stuff done @ home. I think erev Pesach everyone's overwhelmed, stressed and pressured.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Apr 13 2014, 11:59 am
chani8 wrote:
Taking babies shopping is the pits. I never did it. Your DH should stay home from shacharis and whatever else he's doing to watch on your kids if he wants to spare your mother. I'm just glad for you that your mother is nearby. Does she let him speak to you like this??? If my SonIL talked like this to my DD, he'd get a piece of my mind. You've got three little babies and you should get all the help you need.


He doesn't talk to me like that in front of her. She left as soon as he got home and I got home like 45 min later. He gets upset that she helps me a lot. Thinks I should take them wherever I go and not ask for her help. He thinks she spoils them I don't know. He also said there was no point in sending our toddler to pesach camp if I'm going out food shopping B/C he could have come with me. He said he is so disappointed with me. I said I needed to go food shopping and get last minute things and its so much easier with out the kids he said that's not true I'm just being spoiled. He said if that's the case then I should have been more on top of things and went shopping for those things earlier. I told him I don't like going pesach shopping till our tiny kitchen is all clean otherwise its a cholent pot of chometz/pesach. So he said maybe I just shouldvt started everything earlier like an organized wife would. I told him then he married the wrong person. I hate him so much that ingrate.
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black sheep




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 13 2014, 12:01 pm
taking two babies to the market on erev pesach might be considered sakanas nefashos. I thought I would run in on Friday with my young daugther since I only needed a few items, and two different people pushed their cart into her! she had a small bruise from one, and she was crying by the time we left the store. (my yelling "excuse me! didn't help.) you did the right thing to call your mother to watch the kids while you went shopping.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Apr 13 2014, 12:03 pm
I feel for you op, I'm feeling a lot of hate for my husband today too. I wish we could all just get together and celebrate pesach without them and leave those stupid unappreciative men to their own devices for once.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Apr 13 2014, 12:06 pm
amother wrote:
I feel for you op, I'm feeling a lot of hate for my husband today too. I wish we could all just get together and celebrate pesach without them and leave those stupid unappreciative men to their own devices for once.


Thank u so much. I wish also Sad
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amother


 

Post Sun, Apr 13 2014, 12:32 pm
Wow, that was terrible how your husband talked to you. That is not okay, putting you down like that and is not at all helpful.

Stay strong and don't put up with that behavior. Get the help you need from family if he won't help. And if your husband continues acting like that don't put up with it. Therapy might be helpful ( couple or just go for yourself) to learn how to communicate better.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Apr 13 2014, 12:58 pm
amother wrote:
Thank u so much. I wish also Sad

third amother to join the party! I have 20 m.o an 11 m.o and I am in my first trimester. my mom lives in a diff country.... and my dh criticizes and makes me feel like an incopetent piece of garbage
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MrsDuby




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 13 2014, 1:00 pm
oy !!! not cool Sad Sad

Is he usually like that, commenting on your abilities, organization skills etc. ? Or do you think its just a PEsach thing? Everyone seems to be on their last nerve... so maybe hes just freaking out about stuff....

either way, im sorry youre feeling down -- I think any woman who makes pesach on her own deserves a medal!

Maybe after Pesach when things are back to normal, you can review the situation with him? tell him he cant talk to you that way - and like the other women suggested - give him teh kids to take to the stores or delegate tasks to him?
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amother


 

Post Sun, Apr 13 2014, 1:53 pm
I have to say that more than once I have stormed out of the house in the days before Pesach. Once I went to a restaurant & sat & ate peacefully by myself, & once (might have been the same tantrum) I bought myself a little tchatchke.

But with time DH has gotten more understanding of the stress.

Though he was in a bad mood last & night & I said "what's bothering you?"

"You've been spending so much on cleaning help & the house is still a mess."

Well, yeah. You've got seforim in the living room, ties & hangers on the bedroom floor (NO, I am not going to pick up after you!), your old suit jackets & coats hanging in the hall.

Yes, there was a box or two in the hallway I had not unpacked. He unpacked them & stuff the things in the closet, I went & put them where I wanted them

Today he's in a better mood. I told him, what's more important, the money I spent on the cleaning help (from my salary, never mind!) or having a sane and relaxed wife.

Hm.

some husbands get better with time, some with therapy, some with divorce. The trick is to be realistic, patient, and get the help you need somehow.

But for now, since it's Erev YT & I doubt you can get an appointment with a therapist, I suggest waiting til he seems to be in a calm mood (if that happens today) & tell him that other ladies with little children say that you are doing an AMAZING job and he needs to appreciate you. etc.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Apr 13 2014, 2:05 pm
this year I did pesach myself

didn't ask him for anything

would like a thank you or something but all I get is complaints.

oh well.. I tried my best and did not do it for him
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Tablepoetry




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 13 2014, 2:42 pm
I hope you are on BC. Your husband has exceedingly unrealistic views on life with babies, and a twisted notion of your role as wife.
I do think you guys need therapy. Any father who berates his wife for not dragging their 3!!! babies along to the store is living in lala land.
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b from nj




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 13 2014, 2:57 pm
To the 3 amothers who complained of unappreciative husbands, please do yourselves a favor & stop having babies with these men until they change their tune & start pitching in a bit & treating you more respectfully!

HUGS to all of you for having to do with all this cr@p especially erev pesach Hug
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amother


 

Post Sun, Apr 13 2014, 4:19 pm
Op here. Now I really want to vomit.
So he told me he was sorry and that "maybe I just hold myself to such a high standard and I expect too much" which was nice. But then he puts on the oorah DVD for our toddler and starts watching with him while I'm cooking. I tell him to plz finish the freezer and he keeps saying 'soon.' I tell him the babies need to get out and I will take them out to the park but he has to take the chicken out of the oven and finish the freezer. I come home an hour and a half later and he's still watching oorah with him, freezer isn't done, and he had.forgotten to take the chicken out and its burnt. His excuse is he didn't hear the beep BC he was in the bathroom. Barf. Gahhh!!! And I'm the incopetant one?!?!?!!!!!!!
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CPenzias




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 13 2014, 4:42 pm
Wow he better shut up if he knows what's good for him! I'm about ready to slap him across his face.
I'm with the a mother above who suggested birth control. I wouldn't even want to have zex with someone who treated me that way
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anotherima




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 13 2014, 4:42 pm
I am from a large family. Passover was so stressful in our house and my mother used to dread it.
Do whatever you can for yourself to make the holiday happy for your children. I hope things get better, it makes me sad to hear women say how they hate their husbands. I hope this is only because of the pressure of making pesach.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Apr 13 2014, 6:54 pm
OP, hugs.
Who raised such men who have no middos? Lately there are such horrifying stories here on imamother, it seems like derech eretz doesn't exist anymore.
OP, if I were treated this way, the first thing I would do is go on BC. Having 3 babies is tremendous work. If he doesn't appreciate you bringing these 3 children into the world for him, raising them, making Pesach etc, he may never appreciate anything you do for him. It certainly seems like he needs some lessons on how to treat a wife. You are not his doormat, it's your job to make sure he understands that.
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Lish




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 13 2014, 9:40 pm
I'm sorry to hear about what your going through. If it's the first time something happened like this then you can blame his cruel comments on pesach pressure. But if is the 2nd or 3rd or even the 20th time then there is a pattern here. Your husband for some reason feels guilty and not capable when he hears that your mother watched his babies instead of him. His way of expressing it is putting it on you that your the incapable one!!

If you asked him, would he help out with taking the babies while you go shopping? Does he help with other household chores ? Extras?

He wants to feel needed and a part of the family and cheered on for doing so. And he will do the same for you eventually.

If he's not willing to help and be involved, he needs to go to therapy and explore what's causing him not feel an achriyus to helping wife and family. Gluck and try to enjoy yt!
Your doing great! Keep the smile on:)
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