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Forum -> Parenting our children
I guarantee I am the WORST mother in existence!!



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amother


 

Post Sun, Apr 20 2014, 12:22 am
Well, at least to 1 of my 4 children. I have a 9 yr old son who literally pushes my buttons till I feel like I would rather die. He is medically "normal" but he is so darn annoying and makes an insane amount of trouble. In school, he is the perfect angel. But when he comes home, he is a monster. He bothers all his younger siblings till they cry, is always drumming on the table or walls, acts like a lunatic doing crazy dances and motions. I can write pages about what he does. But, the way I react to him is terrible. I seriously show him no love or attention because I am soooo annoyed with him. I am always yelling at him, putting him down, slapping him, and telling him how I can't stand being around him. His reaction usually is to laugh and act even crazier. I dread being around him. I almost wonder if I care about him anymore. I know that I should be dealing with this in a better way but honestly I feel like I just can't anymore!! The Dr. says he is not ADD because in school he is fine and sits still etc. But at home is a completely different kid!! I can't take it anymore. I guess I'm looking for empathy, or someone to tell me they have been through this? Thank you.
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MaBelleVie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 20 2014, 12:25 am
Please get professional help! You're both suffering needlessly.. Why?
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amother


 

Post Sun, Apr 20 2014, 12:28 am
OP I came on here now to write his exact post. OH MY GOODNESS I already feel better seeing others are like me.
And no you're not the worst mother, cuz I am.
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momX4




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 20 2014, 12:30 am
try biking, treadmill for 30 minutes daily. Your DS has energy he needs to burn. Sing him up for sports.
I'm in the same shoes as you with my 9 year old.
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 20 2014, 12:45 am
OP, my son was an angel in school and did very well academically. At home he wasn't "hyper" but disorganized and annoying as crazy. Finally found a neurologist who diagnosed him as ADD and with Ritalin his world (and ours) changed. My other ADD son is exactly what you describe down to a T-- when he's not on Ritalin. Please get a second opinion. If it's not ADHD then it sounds like your son is very angry about something at home. Either way he needs help.
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 20 2014, 6:06 am
My sons (5 yr apart in age) both were obnoxious at home and were good boys at school. There were a couple of reasons:

1. Boredom. One son finally expressed to me that boredom hurts him so much he could cry. Now that he is a young adult and not chained home by me, he is so much happier, keeps himself busy going and doing. The other son keeps boredom at bay with computer - either games or learning about stuff. My girls also suffer from boredom but don't express it violently, b'h.

2. Both boys started acting like monsters, at different times I should add, when they had been molested. They both in their own ways were just furious about it, and took their anger out on the family.

I hope this is about boredom. That would be the simplest to deal with.

It is totally normal to dislike your child at times. I mean, who likes an abuser? Your son sounds like he's being abusive, abusing his siblings and even you. And you're responding like an overbearing policewoman. Out to squash him and get him under control. I totally get it. Just keep in mind that physically restraining is acceptable, but slapping and calling names is not.

I also have a child I dislike at times and the best I can advise is to try to figure out which love language the child prefers, and just try to fill that child up with love. When he feels loved, he's going to be more receptive to rules. As long as you don't have too many rules and not enough fun things.
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elisheva25




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 20 2014, 9:04 am
Simply put...you have research some solutions....but you Are not the worst mother Smile
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wantavaca




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 20 2014, 9:15 am
I agree that If he's doin well in school it's prob not add.
Sounds to me like u r in a vicious cycle of him trying to get ur attention in negative ways and you giving it to him.
Try to create private time each day for you and him where u ignore every bad and annoying thing he does and just offer sincere praise.

Like do something with him that he is good at and say " wow you threw that ball soo fat what an arm you have!"

And try as hard as pos to ignore his behavior or if necessary consequence him without showing emotion.

Also look for times to give positive attention and praise as much as pos.

Sounds like it will take vondistrncy and lots if time but it seems to me that this is wats needed here....

Btdt
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wantavaca




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 20 2014, 9:16 am
Consistency I meant. This iPhone!!!
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the world's best mom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 20 2014, 9:42 am
I think it would be very helpful to both of you if you spend some quality time with just this son. I recommend having him stay home from school one day so you can spend the day together, or hiring a babysitter one Sunday or evening so you can take him out. No siblings allowed, though you can (and should) make time to do the same with each child. But this one first.

Have fun with him. Enjoy his company and let him enjoy yours. It will show both of you that you really do care about him. Because you do care, you are just too overwhelmed to realize it right now.

You should also read a good parenting book or 2. It will give you techniques on how to deal with him effectively. What you are doing might make you feel good, like you are not just ignoring his misbehaviors, but it will not be effective in helping him learn how to behave properly. Your goal in discipline is not to punish him or make him feel bad for misbehaving, but rather to teach him what he should have done instead of what he did. Help him rectify the situation.

If he is hitting his siblings, there must be something bothering him. Maybe boredom, as Chani8 suggested. Or maybe his siblings bother him, so he lashes out at them. He needs to learn to express his feelings without hurting anyone or bothering anyone. Teach him what he SHOULD do when he is bored- if you only tell him what not to do, he is left with nothing to do, so it won't help.

Also, slapping and name calling are never okay. Those are things that can ruin your relationship forever. Stop those immediately if you ever want to reconnect with him. He will not forget those things so easily.

And lastly, stop being so hard on yourself. You are not a terrible mother. You are an overwhelmed mother who is struggling to discipline and love a difficult child. Let yourself be human. Nobody is perfect and we've all had our bad times.
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Ashrei




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 20 2014, 10:17 am
(I originally opened this thread to challenge you for the position... Wink )

Sounds like something the nurtured heart approach could really help with. There are some threads on imamother about it, if you search...

My dd is very similar to your ds, I find this is the only method I can see some improvement with!

Hatzlacha! You'll yet see much more nachas from him.
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