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How do you tell ladies not to bring babies to simcha?
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 23 2014, 6:01 am
in that case, if my baby would not take a bottle, (or a very tiny baby who needs to nurse often) I would call the baalas simcha and explain it is me with baby or not at all. If she says don't come at all I guess I would not come, and to be honest lose all respect for said person.

Like I said, I would never make such a request of my guests. The OP has to be prepared to lose friends by this request. But she seems not to care. (Maybe thats why people don't treat her nicely?)
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MaBelleVie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 23 2014, 6:12 am
I don't understand why it's such a big deal. It is definitely within OP's rights to say that her simcha is going to be for adults only. In fact, I would just write on the invitation something like "please note that our simcha will be accommodating only our son's friends and other adults. We regret that no infants or children will be allowed."

OP isn't saying she'll be mad if people decide not to come because it's too difficult to get a sitter or leave a nursing baby. I have sent my husband to a number of events without me because I couldn't leave a young infant and didn't feel it was appropriate to bring one. It isn't the end of the world, its just one of the things that comes along with being a mother of infants.


Last edited by MaBelleVie on Wed, Apr 23 2014, 7:02 am; edited 1 time in total
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rainbow dash




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 23 2014, 6:15 am
Here in Antwerp we have a side room with 2 or 3 girls babysitting all the babies and toddlers. Maybe you could do that and make everyone happy.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 23 2014, 6:19 am
My oldest is 7 and I still don't need a sitter for simcha. I take everyone, or we don't go. We haven't yet been told not to come or not to bring kids. We would obey (and draw whatever conclusions about the person's/crowd) but we would still not splurge on a sitter at night. We also never asked this. If we invite we invite. Nor would we invite to chuppa and not dinner, either. If in a group it's ok to ask, then ask. If not, then be prepared for people not obeying or being upset.
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 23 2014, 6:42 am
I wonder how many of the snarky responses are from people who have actually shelled out serious energy and money on making a simcha. As a mother who brought infants with me to smachot I would not be the least bit insulted to be asked to please leave baby at home. OP stick to your guns. Anyone who is really your friend will respect your wishes whether they agree or not with the philosophy behind them.
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spinkles




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 23 2014, 6:59 am
Can strollers be left where people would hang up their coats? Is there a little space off to the side where you could direct people to leave strollers? Or, could you move the mechitza a bit so the ladies' section gets a little bigger and the men squish a little more?
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scrltfr




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 23 2014, 7:16 am
Every time I see these topics I am amazed at the chutzpah. If you can't leave the baby at home don't go and don't dare be insulted!

The person making and paying for a simcha can request what she wants. You dont like it dont go but dont say she will lose friends! In the non frum world this isnt an issue at all. What is with the entitlement that frum women feel that everyone wants to have their kids around? I happen to have a very well behaved baby but I would never bring him or assume I could to a simcha like that.
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suzyq




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 23 2014, 7:59 am
I'm surprised at everyone who keeps trying to convince the OP that she must allow the babies to come somehow. Everyone is entitled to have the simcha they want, especially since they are paying for it! I wouldn't be insulted if someone told me they didn't want my baby at the simcha, and honestly, I think I would enjoy it more! But if I felt like I couldn't leave my baby, I would stay home and be fine with it. I don't know why people think they are entitled to make the rules for someone else. OP - I really like what MaBelleVie wrote - "I would just write on the invitation something like "please note that our simcha will be accommodating only our son's friends and other adults. We regret that no infants or children will be allowed." I think that's very appropriate and if someone is really insulted or upset about it, so be it.
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chavs




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 23 2014, 8:06 am
I dont think its a matter of ppl being upset with it or insulted, its a matter of a lot of ppl not being able to come. If op is ok with that fine then.
If I was invited but my baby wasnt I quite simply wouldnt be able to go and I'd expect the ppl inviting me and not my baby to understand that. I wouldnt leave a small baby with a sitter and dont want to give a bottle (even with expressed milk) under a certain age.
Ppl are entitled to invite whomever they want but ppl are also entitled to say no.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 23 2014, 8:08 am
Outside the frum world, people tend to have fewer kids = fewer sitter fees, also they don't already splurge on private school, kosher meat (not even talking of those keeping glatt/CY, just plain kosher is expensive)... But even in the non frum or Jewish world, not everyone will make a family celebration and exclude kids- by far. Some of the most expensive smachos I've seen, there were kids. Probably virtually all of them? FTR I grew up lite MO, rather posh place, went to public school, had non Jewish classmates...
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chavs




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 23 2014, 8:12 am
I also dont think anyone is trying to convince her to do anything she didnt want to do but rather asking her why it would be a big deal or an inconvenience to her or anyone else, if they didnt bring strollers (as the strollers seemed like the problem).
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 23 2014, 8:21 am
I love babies & kids ... but there is a time & place for them ... the simcha is going to require quiet at times to hear the bar-mitzva boy & other speeches ... nobody has to hear a baby crying or watching kids run amok at their simcha ... it's the host's choice - not for the guest to decide

we can compare it to playing music ... imagine if an orchestra was hired to play music for a simcha - but one of the guests came in blaring a boombox or playing a guitar ~ it's just not done

as others have said - write a polite note with the invitation that no children, babies or toddlers are invited
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 23 2014, 8:22 am
ruchel ~ people coming with entire families really is a cultural difference ... I've seen foreigners do this - but in america it's not the normative
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Simple1




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 23 2014, 8:25 am
If strollers are the issue, you can say or write "no strollers, please".

In my experience, most people anyways don't bring babies unless they are closely related. I would assume anyone who did, didn't have an easier alternative.
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 23 2014, 8:46 am
Ruchel-- this is totally cultural. I see it all the time in Israel at all kinds of smachot, never once in America except at a bris which is anyway more casual
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supty




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 23 2014, 9:28 am
I agree that this must be a cultural thing. I live in ny and I have NEVER heard of people bringing babies to weddings or bar mitzvahs unless it is close family. It would never even enter my mind to do so, and no one writes anything on the invitation- it is just assumed that it is obviously not done here. Clearly from all the responses this is not what is expected in other places. Op- where do you live?
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 23 2014, 10:25 am
rainbow dash wrote:
Here in Antwerp we have a side room with 2 or 3 girls babysitting all the babies and toddlers. Maybe you could do that and make everyone happy.


Sadly, by my calculation, 10 percent of people in the world are jerks. This rule can be applied to every culture, subculture, ethnicity, religious background, regional grouping, or random collection of strangers. Thus, 90 percent of people inclined to bring infants to a simcha will show up with small babies who are discreetly removed from the festivities when the need occasions it.

However, the 10 percent of jerks will show up with wailing toddlers, strollers and car seats that look like a camel caravan, and whine that there's nothing to eat that their kids like. They'll ignore an obvious need for a diaper change until the emergency ventilation system is activated, and then proceed to change Junior nearby while the main course is being served. And, of course, if a hostess dares to protest or prevent such occurrences, they make snippy comments suggesting that she's some kind of anti-child zealot.

While I obviously can't say for certain, it sounds like the two ladies attempting to push their way into this simcha are definite candidates for the 10 percent club!

I'm with Rainbow Dash on the solution.

Years ago, I used to make a lot of Sheva Brochos events in my home, and the issue of exactly how "family friendly" to make a particular event constantly came up. Obviously, at-home events have significant space restrictions, and the format of Sheva Brochos means that there will be speeches, divrei Torah, and in general be more adult-oriented.

I discovered pretty early on that the problem could be solved in Chicago just as they do in Antwerp (ooh! I feel so Continental!). I always hired two teenage girls and put them in an accessible bedroom with a couple of chairs for nursing moms. When I extended invitations (usually oral but just as easily part of a written invitation), I specifically said, "Babysitting will be provided for infants."

Now, granted, this was a convenience to the moms, but it also allowed me to set the ground rules without being churlish. When a 10-percenter would say, "Oh, that's great! It's so hard to get a babysitter for my two-year-old," I could gently reply, "Well, we're really not set up to watch toddlers. It's more of a convenience for the people who are nursing newborns."

When a infant set up a wail during someone's carefully-prepared speech, I could signal to one of the babysitters to spirit the offender away, with or without the mommy in tow. Best of all, having all the baby fixin's in a separate room kept all the strollers, car seats, and diaper bags out of my limited seating space.

Even 10-percenters, when offered a hospitable and viable alternative, seemed to have a hard time maintaining their jerkiness. On several occasions, I recall husbands saying to their wives, "Honey, why shlep all this stuff in with you? Just leave it with the babysitters!"

Best of all, the cost was virtually nothing. The cost of two teenagers for a few hours was probably the cheapest part of the whole enterprise.

So my advice is to do as we do in those citadels of European sophistication, Antwerp and Chicago*: hire a couple of babysitters to watch babies, baby accessories, and even handbags (to accommodate the lady who apparently equates her baby with her handbag). It's an easy way to look incredibly classy for under $100 or less.



* This is irony. Please don't PM me to tell me that Chicago isn't in Europe or isn't all that sophisticated. Believe me, I know.
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timeout




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 23 2014, 10:46 am
Hi, just adding my situation....................my son will I'H be Bar Mitzva this September. I have a lot of sister in laws with 7 to 11 kids per family. Most who bring there children will watch them, but I have 2 sister in laws who sit at the table and let there kids do whatever including flood the bathroom at one simcha and pour salt into there cousins drinks and be very chutzpadik to adults who said to stop.

I want to hear my sons speech without screaming and I want to enjoy without stress. Any ideas???
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 23 2014, 11:41 am
timeout wrote:
Hi, just adding my situation....................my son will I'H be Bar Mitzva this September. I have a lot of sister in laws with 7 to 11 kids per family. Most who bring there children will watch them, but I have 2 sister in laws who sit at the table and let there kids do whatever including flood the bathroom at one simcha and pour salt into there cousins drinks and be very chutzpadik to adults who said to stop.

I want to hear my sons speech without screaming and I want to enjoy without stress. Any ideas???


get a bunch of local teenagers to be the child patrol at the simcha. they can stand around and keep an eye on the little ones. don't tell the moms in advance. give the teens a heads up about which kids really need watching.
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rainbow dash




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 23 2014, 12:52 pm
here in antwerp unless your close family no one brings their kids to weddings or bar mitzvahs.
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