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Forum -> Relationships -> Simcha Section
Wedding negotiations -- question
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amother


 

Post Thu, Apr 24 2014, 7:55 am
So my sister is making a wedding for her daughter overseas where the chatan lives. She asked me for a diplomatic way to let the chatan's family know that if they are intending to invite a large wedding guest list then they will have to come to a financial arrangement that allows for this. Very few will most likely be able to attend from the bride's side.

How best to approach this? How best to handle the financial arrangement?

TIA
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 24 2014, 8:36 am
Have they spoken at all about splitting the wedding cost, or did your sister assume she is paying for everything?
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Talya




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 24 2014, 9:00 am
Why is she making it by them?
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amother


 

Post Thu, Apr 24 2014, 9:11 am
Thanks for your responses! It is a time sensitive matter Wink

The groom's side suggested FLOP which implies the bride's side picks up the rest.
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Bruria




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 24 2014, 9:12 am
I think it would be more fair for the chatan's family to pay for at least half or more, since the kallah' s family will have traveling expenses for themselves and also their guests.
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Talya




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 24 2014, 9:15 am
amother wrote:
Thanks for your responses! It is a time sensitive matter Wink

The groom's side suggested FLOP which implies the bride's side picks up the rest.

That's quite convenient for them no isn't it Rolling Eyes though it's entirely possible they are thinking FLOP because that IS standard but that's usually when the wedding is by the girls side and the girls side often imposes guest limits etc. She should also def push for FLOPS if they insist on breaking it down that way.
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JAWSCIENCE




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 24 2014, 9:16 am
How to approach this really depends on what they said when the grooms side suggstd FLOPS. IMHO that was probably the best time to mention she would prefer a different arrangement like 50/50. I don't think you can hope for better than 50/50 at this point even if you have less people coming.
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Culturedpearls




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 24 2014, 9:16 am
In our case we included our family's airfair into the wedding expenses & then split in half. We did cap the maximum though.
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5*Mom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 24 2014, 9:29 am
They can do FLOP with the girl's side paying for a predetermined maximum number of guests; chattan's side pays for their own guests above that number. Predetermined by your sister and bil based on what they can afford. Mazal tov!
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 24 2014, 9:46 am
What's FLOP?
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Pineapple




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 24 2014, 9:53 am
DrMom wrote:
What's FLOP?
;

Flowers
L
O
Photography

Sorry can't remember the other two
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doctorima




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 24 2014, 9:54 am
FLOP is an acronym standing for Flowers, Liquor, Orchestra, Photographer. It has become standard in some circles that the boy's side pays for the FLOP expenses, and the girl's side pays for the rest. In this situation it seems somewhat unfair for the boy's side to make a local wedding for all of their friends and relatives and expect the girl's side to pay for it, though it certainly requires some diplomacy to navigate the negotiations. Would it be possible to involve a 3rd party such as the shadchan or a Rav to smooth over potential tension?
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amother


 

Post Thu, Apr 24 2014, 10:45 am
So helpful! Excellent ideas! (Now this is why I'm on imamother Very Happy LOL

It's true their side is of more "limited means" and everyone wants to be respectful of that. They didn't say 'FLOPS" which is sheitels also but FLOP and are talking about a "dry" wedding which my sister and her family don't care either way.
Still, my sister is not in a position to cover an extensive guest list from the other side particularly given the situation.
Plus...if there is no incentive or reason to limit at all then there would be no reason for them, or anyone else to ever limit a guest list and have a huge number of people. It would be great if we could all do that! But it's not realistic.
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abound




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 24 2014, 10:47 am
Most wedding halls/caterers have a minimum, they can pay the minimum and anything above the minimum the chatans side would cover. but that is only if your sister will only be using 1/2 the amount of the minimum.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Apr 24 2014, 10:48 am
also my sister felt that since she agreed to do it overseas then it's not fair to make them pay for the fact that few from our side can come.

but I told her that's irrelevant and to advocate for her position and she has a responsibility to do so.
they can understand that they have to limit their guest list no matter where it's being held. That's normal.
They are nice people and I'm sure it will work out. But there is no substitute for experience and doing one's homework.
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Culturedpearls




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 24 2014, 11:16 am
Friends of ours told the other side that since the chassuna is overseas & few can come they are paying their own airfare & $10k towards the wedding.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 24 2014, 11:35 am
I don't know where this wedding is being held, but I can tell you that in many circles here in Israel, the bride and groom's sides pay for the guests' meals proportionally to how many guests they hinvite, and then they split things that are used by both sides (band/flowers/etc.)
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 24 2014, 11:38 am
FLOPS is so random. What if the other side has preferences (that come with a cost)??

Anyway, if there is a big diff in guests, 50/50 becomes unfair. Maybe do the wedding in another place, neither by her nor by him ? We got married in Jlem, a childhood dream
Heart
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amother


 

Post Thu, Apr 24 2014, 11:54 am
I still feel guilty that, while the wedding was in my hometown - a long but drivable distance from dh's hometown, my parents asked dh's parents to pay 50/50. My in-laws are BTs and had no experience with religious weddings or any weddings at that point and said OK, while they brought very few guests.
(they are very well off but that would be irrelevant in my mind)
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b from nj




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 24 2014, 9:12 pm
Sounds a bit odd to do FLOP when so few members of the kallah's family will be attending. Maybe they should request reverse FLOP since most of the guest list will be the chosson's side or if possible consider changing the venue to the kallah's area which is what is typically done. Sounds unfair for the kallah to be paying for most of the guest list when they will have so few guests from their side attending.
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