Help - My 8 year old DD has a fear of ME dying C"S!!

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amother

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 12:12 am

I noticed that my daughter is not herself for the past few days. She is a very open and outspoken child bh and when it turns dark her face turns dark too, and she becomes withdrawn and teary eyed. I nudged her to tell me whats bothering her, till she finally got the courage to say, that when it gets dark she pictures me in a corpse or at a gravesite!!

My husband is orphaned from both parents, and we started taking her and my son to the Bais Hachayim once they were six, just to light a candle and say a chapter of tehillim. We explained to them, on their level of course, that a guf is like a dress for the neshama. While the guf physically rests the person lives on in shomayim and is in Olem Haba and have all their needs met. And that whoever is still among the living has a tafkud to fulfill and we still need our guf to do mitzvahs. I think she's fine with that.

I think what triggered it was, that a classmate lost her very young mother recently, and I accidentally bumped into the levaya scene. She saw the corpse and the girl being held by her family and being very distraught. This has been right before Pesach and she said it started bothering her lately. She thought that young sick pple recover and only old pple die... No amount of explaining calms her and I have to physically lay down with her and talk to her till she falls into a fitfull sleep. She then wakes up in the middle of the night and HAS to come into my bed. When she wakes up shes fine and dandy...

Can anyone help me?? She's still up and she goes back to school tomorrrow! Is this a passing phase or does this need professional approach?

Oh, if she doesnt she me, she freaks out. This is not my delicious, easy-going daughter!! Mad

amother

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 12:18 am

Call Ohel. They have people who help kids deal with tragedy in the community.

amother

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 12:27 am

I don't understand your daughter actually saw the corpse? I mean wasn't it in the box? That would be traumatic even for me!

I think it may be a passing phase but she may need to talk to a therapist even just once or twice. You may want to call a local child therapist in your area most people will advise you on the phone if they think you should bring her in.

you can call the yitty liebel help line it's free with counselors who can advise you.

718 help now.

seeker

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 12:54 am

I think a couple of sessions with a crisis counselor is in order. Maybe Ohel or Chai Lifeline can refer you to someone good with this. If you don't deal with it, it could become a real issue, but if you handle it professionally it is likely that her fears can be addressed quickly and smoothly IY"H.

amother

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 2:14 am

I meant to say the aron of the niftar. Is that what you mean?

amother

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 2:54 am

If OP is in Eretz Yisroel, they don't use a coffin. I have seen pictures of a niftar wrapped in a talis, though I don't know about women, I suppose you just see the body wrapped in tachrichim. That would be a lot for an 8 yo to handle.

I agree you should contact an organization that does grief counseling. And also ask them at what age they recommend taking children to their grandparents' graves.

amother

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 3:39 am

amother wrote:

Im in the states.

amother

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 9:42 am

My son has major fears of me dying. I got him counseling which didn't help. I tried 3 counselors My first husband is nifta. Some kids just have these fears.

staten islander

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 9:52 am

OP, I have this too years after the death of a parent.It was never addressed and I am now an adult.The dark is the worst time.I picture my husband and children dead chas veshalom.When my husband goes on long drives,, I worry incessantly.Please speak to a therapist so your daughter can get help.

out-of-towner

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 10:07 am

OP please get her help asap. speak to her school principal or counselor and figure out where to go from there.

amother

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 10:44 am

For a while my son had a fear of dying in his sleep and was therefore afraid to go to sleep at night.
I don't know what triggered it but b'h it seems to have passed.

greenfire

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 12:01 pm

she might need a grief counselor to help her through this time ...

but reality speaking we all die ... so you cannot assure her of anything

how to calm down a child - perhaps reassure her that you'll always be there for her inasmuch as possible ... and you are not this person who was presumably very ill

I think even adults are afraid of death ...

amother

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 3:59 pm

I agree that you should take her to talk to a therapist or grief counselor. It can be very, very helpful!

In them meantime, when she is feeling scared, it may help her to learn how to calm herself down, here are 2 ideas:
1) Teach her some basic deep breathing and do it together with her in bed in the dark: Close your eyes (you can hold hands with her while you do it, if closing her eyes makes her nervous) and put one hand on your stomach, then breathe in slowly and deeply through the nose - use your hand on your stomach to feel your stomach inflating like a balloon, then breathe out slowly through the mouth - use the hand on your stomach to feel your stomach deflating like a balloon. Do this 3 times.
Or
2) While giving her a hug or just facing her, apply pressure to her upper arms - on the outside just under her shoulder. A psychologist told me this kind of touch can calm people.

Just keep in mind that even if these techniques do calm her, it sounds like she was deeply affected by the death of this young mother and the hysterical daughter, and she will need the help of a therapist to deal with the underlying issues. So please make sure to have her get the help she needs from a professional even if she appears to be feeling better for any reason (you don't want the issue to just be buried, you want it to be dealt with).

Good luck!

chani8

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 4:23 pm

Why not just let her talk it through. Ask her to go with her thoughts and get to the bottom line.

"I'm afraid mommy is going to die."
You ask, And if mommy died, what does that mean?
She might say, "That I'll miss her" or "that I'll be all alone".
And you could say, And when I die, I'll miss you, too. But you wont be alone because there are other people in your life, like ...."
Or she may just need to cry about it, because it is a scary and sad thought. And you would just reassure her that you don't plan to die until you're old.

amother

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 9:38 pm

I have a neighbor thats a life coach. Im planning to ask her, or have her talk to dd.

Thanks

oliveoil

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 10:00 pm

Most life coaches have no more clue than the next yenta on the block. I would suggest consulting with an experienced therapist yourself about how to help DD. You don't necessarily need to take her to a therapist, but a good therapist could give you good guidance.

seeker

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 10:09 pm

chani8 wrote:

I think this kind of approach is right for a typical kid who is coming up with typical fears, but the child in question seems to have been particularly traumatized and I'd want to get more personalized advice.

amother

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 10:12 pm

I spoke to her school counselor and she agrees that she's not her jolly self. I have an appt to a child psychologist. Im afraid to handle this by myself.

amother

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 10:16 pm

I wanted to add that her counselor discouraged talking to a life coach. She says that she needs a grief and trauma, PTSD therapist. She hooked me up to a friend in this field that pushed me in for the beginning of next week.

citimom

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 10:28 pm

My son also had fears at night of not waking up cv"s. he asked why does Hashem let children die? I reassured him that Hashem is our father and loves us and is watching over and protecting us every second. We can always daven and talk to Him. He only does what is best for us even though its often hard for us to see. I also like the idea of putting fears into a "box". Picture a beautiful gift box and one by one place your fears into it as you lay in bed worrying and when they are all inside, close the box well and send it up to Hashem. Let Him take care of your worries and you go to sleep. Help her visualize it. It's helped me as well as my son.

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