Would you ask your SIL to pitch in more?

SRS

Sun, May 04 2014, 10:46 am

Dolly Welsh wrote:

In short, you have to be subtle. They must never catch you at it. It must always be a joint endeavor, never "you: do this" but "we do this".

There is no shame in being direct. I think people who are not direct often end up frustrated and angry because their hints are not met with action. I see this in my own family. On one side you wonder what you did wrong because no one asked you to do that and you find out you were asked but missed it. On the other side, you know exactly what is expected because it was stated directly.

For example, MIL1 says, "are there any glasses in the other room?" DIL1 answers "yes". She doesn't put down the book she is looking at with a group of grandchildren, helpful but unsolicited. Now MIL1 is upset and will explode months later because her need went unmet.

If MIL1 said, "DIL1, please bring me the glasses in the other room so I can wash them", DIL1 knows what is needed and can either bring the glasses or respond to her need in a different way such as "I'm reading to all your grandchildren, just leave them and I will bring them and wash them myself later."

SRS

Sun, May 04 2014, 10:58 am

amother wrote:

I had my brother in law over for all the pesach meals and he didn't help at all. I am 9 months pregnant and it wasn't easy. I told my husband that he has to say something to him for his own good. What kind of mentch and husband will he be?
My husband spoke to him and there was improvement.

Did you give him any tasks during Pesach? Pesach is the worst because is it like reading someone's kosher kitchen and home times 2. And why can a wife not say, hey bro-in-law, bowls are in the cabinet to the right of the sink. Can you please serve the soup?

Dolly Welsh

Sun, May 04 2014, 11:04 am

SRS wrote:

I would not sympathize with the MIL here one bit.

The DIL is amusing a bunch of grandchildren, a very useful and even difficult assignment, and the MIL wants to take her off that to do a very simple physical thing? Terrible management.

And rude.

Would the MIL ask someone in the heat of an intellectual discussion with adults to go into the other room to get glasses? One hopes not. It is no less rude if the fascinated group of people happen to be in grade school. You don't interrupt a functioning social group.

I DO see your point that being vague and cute can not work if it isn't done right, or to the right people, or in the right way. Some people INDEED would appreciate clarity, and I am on your side there.

But people hate spelling it out.

They do.

Therefore, a person who isn't big on vague suggestions should designate a trusted person in a whisper: "look, let me KNOW what I should be doing, ok? I just want to know. I need help with this. Help me. I get deep into conversations, and I forget what else is going on. TELL me, discreetly, ok?? I won't mind. Please."

That is fine too.

But anybody who can quiet children, especially a lot of them at once, should not have to do anything at all else while that is going on. Or maybe ever. That's precious.

SRS

Sun, May 04 2014, 11:22 am

Often ladylike subtleness becomes passive-aggressive. My example could be able a DIL doing something for her own interest like reading a book and answering "yes" to the question rather than getting up and responding to the mil's need.

Jewish women (and men) when they are hosting family for multi-night holiday fun, a large Shabbos, or their own children are engaged in a management activity. Ladylike subtleness often becomes passive-aggressive unpleasantry.

If you want things done and don't plan to do it all yourself, you need to express your needs, delegate, assign teams or do what it takes. Sometimes it is damned if you do damned if you don't. Years ago, one of the frum publications ran weeks of letters to the editor about the debate of stripping down the beds or not. The jury is out there as to what is acceptable, so unless told, you have to ask. But why can't a SIL just say, "hey, happy to have you. Before you leave, please make sure to strip the sheets. And, my schedule is really busy this week and I'm freaking out a bit. I'd love it is you could make some cookies for Friday night because I won't be making dessert this week."

ElTam

Sun, May 04 2014, 11:51 am

If your DH wants to be her maid, gezunterheit. If he wants YOU to be her maid, that's something else. Personally, I wouldn't have talked to DH ahead of time about this. I would just very casually ask for help as you are doing something, then see if she gets the hint from working side by side with you that maybe there are other things she can do to be helpful. If DH brings it up, I would just mention it not in terms of the help for you but in terms of teaching her how to be a good houseguest and also helping her out for when she IY"H has her own home.

SRS

Sun, May 04 2014, 12:09 pm

Again, why casually and why must the cleaning be relaxed and a group project together? I guess I see mind games as a lot of work and even worse than that that you need help and to get it you need to stand around and supervise that work. I think being direct takes a lot less energy than being subtle.

And, if she comes each week and you don't have guests in between, leave the sheets on and then only be direct about the other messes that are bothersome.

amother

Sun, May 04 2014, 12:30 pm

SRS wrote:

I did ask him. He came to our house to eat and use the wifi. He did nothing to help and didn't say thank you at all. I did ask him to help and it didn't work. My husband also asked him, and he didn't. So I told my husband that either he speaks to him, or I'll say something and it wouldn't have come out very nice.

SRS

Sun, May 04 2014, 12:37 pm

amother wrote:

Sounds like you know who you area dealing with. The world has all types.

greenfire

Sun, May 04 2014, 1:58 pm

SRS wrote:

I'm with you on this idea - people need to ask direct questions ...

nobody I know is a mind reader ...