How Tznius Saved Me

amother

Thu, May 08 2014, 1:43 pm

This "essay" has been something I've debated putting on here for a while, and the time has finally come. For me, this is a topic that goes totally under the radar in my life - not discussed with friends, family, or my husband. But, I feel, I am finally ready to at least put my feelings and experiences into words. I'm still doing this anonymously, but my sincere hope is that someone out there will understand what I've gone through and know that we are not alone in these types of battles.

Just some background: I did not grow up religious or dressing by any means close to the Orthodox standards of modesty. No crop tops or mini skirts, but definitely no long skirts or KikiRiki-high necklines either. My mother, who has severe body image issues of her own, made it a habit to constantly pick apart others by their looks. This included herself. Most of the time, I don't even think she was aware how cruel and trivial the things were that she was saying. She was just so insecure herself that she couldn't stop "diagnosing" others' faults.

By the time I was 13, I had developed my own insecurities, as many teens unfortunately do. But then something happened that took a normal, teenage emotion and took it to levels that nearly tore me apart: my body began to turn on me. I started noticing little dark hairs on my face, arms, breasts and stomach. Shaving my legs became more and more difficult as the hair grew thicker and denser. What I noticed on many young girls ("peach fuzz") was morphing into a monster on my body. My mother noticed it and bought me Jolen bleach and a Nair cream hair remover. I used the bleach on my upper lip, and tried the Nair on my sideburns which had turned noticeably darker. A couple of days later, the places that I had used the Nair were growing back - but like a man's beard, thick and coarse! I was devastated. I felt like a monster. (As the years have passed, the coarse hair is now everywhere except my back, for that I can say thank G-d. I've gone to salons for hair removal where the woman says, "oh wow, you are really hairy!" and I want to die inside. I fluctuate between wanting to leave it alone, or finally removing it but having it grow back is physically painful. Monthly waxes or laser are too expensive, so I do whatever I can at home.)

The summer before my 8th grade year, my body decided it wasn't done with me yet. One morning, I was speaking with a friend on the phone, and after I hung up, I noticed the underarms of my t-shirt were soaked. That was very odd, but I didn't think anything of it. I changed my shirt and went on with my day. But the sweating never stopped. Just like that, literally, in one morning, my life changed.

I went into that school year terrified. I wore the same few shirts over and over - the only ones that could hide the sweat. My friends teased me about the clothes. I got up for school almost 2 hours earlier than normal so I could manage the hair on my face and arms. By the time I was mid-way through high school, I had given up on my looks completely. My clothes were tomboyish. I never put on any make-up (why bother? I was a freak). All of my tops had to be baggy so I wouldn't get sweat stains. My appearance was practically gender-neutral. I had many good friends, but on the inside, I always felt like a mutant. None of my friends had any of the problems I was dealing with. The worst part was finally getting the courage to ask my mom to take me to the doctor about the sweating, after a year of suffering in silence. Somehow she never noticed because I always changed immediately after school. But, in her typical fashion, she immediately downplayed the issue saying "Well, everyone sweats sometimes". I ended up breaking down until she finally understood how bad the problem was. Unfortunately, not even prescription strength antiperspirant helped for more than a couple of weeks. I considered myself a lost cause. Nobody would want to date me. Nobody would ever want to be my friend if they knew how disgusting I really was. My mom would be ashamed that I was her daughter. Some days it took all my energy to just leave the house. Most days I wanted to lay under the covers and disappear.

This problem affected all aspects of my life, even work. I could not apply for any jobs that required me to wear a uniform that might show sweat stains. I couldn't do any type of physical work as the sweating would be out of control. Jobs that required me to work very close to people were also off my list - what would people think if they saw the whiskers on my face (whiskers!! on a young woman!) or the stubble on my arms as I tried to hide them under long sleeves?

Later, as I became more religious, the idea of dressing modestly was a little scary. I took it on because I felt it was the right thing to do, but I never imagined how it would change my life. As someone who grew up feeling as though your looks are always under a microscope (from my mother), to doing anything to cover up out of shame, tznius truly saved me. I went from a person who wanted to literally disappear, to someone who takes pride in her appearance - no matter how difficult that might be.

Now, because of tznius, I look at my body as a whole, not just compartmentalizing the negatives. I see things I'd like to change, of course (who doesn't?) but it doesn't consume me like it used to. For example, when I put on a nice top, I appreciate my waist instead of panicking about having to wax my arms. A flattering skirt makes me feel wonderful and feminine.

Yes, my wardrobe is extremely limited. I can only wear black or patterns that do not show sweat marks. I've learned over many, many years of trial and error which fabrics I can wear. But instead of hiding under sweatshirts 3 sizes too big and hoping nobody would ever look at me, now I dress with dignity. I want to look like a daughter of Israel, a proud Jewish woman who is in charge of her life no matter what Hashem has given me to deal with. In a way, I almost feel that I was given these issues as a way to find my way back to where I was supposed to be. That might sound crazy, but after years of asking "why??", this is my best answer. Whatever the reason is, I've come to accept myself and can look in the mirror and be happy.

Thanks to anyone who had the patience to read all of this Smile

I hope it resonated with at least one person. It took many years for me to develop this attitude, and the greatest thing I can say about the journey is:

Tznius helped me cover up, yet set myself free.

amother

Thu, May 08 2014, 1:49 pm

Thanks for sharing this. As another embarrassingly sweaty female, I can totally relate to a lot of what you wrote. What makes things worse for me, is that I am allergic to all spray on deodorants, and the only stick deodorant I can use is Toms of maine, otherwise I break out in a horrible itchy rash. Having been told that I can only use spray deodorant on shabbos ad yomtov, I find hot summer shabbosos and hot shavous to be a miserable nightmare.
Yes, I see how fortunate I am to be a frum lady, (I grew up frum too), otherwise I can imagine my teenage years woudl have been even harder.

Thanks again for posting.

esmom

Thu, May 08 2014, 1:50 pm

Wow so touching. Beutifully written!

myself

Thu, May 08 2014, 1:59 pm

I'm glad you were able to hold your chin up and smile at the world. You are beautiful as you are Very Happy

Notsobusy

Thu, May 08 2014, 2:10 pm

Wow! You are such an inspiration. I can't even express what I'm feeling after reading this but, WOW!

mandr

Thu, May 08 2014, 2:35 pm

Beautiful article! I'm glad you've come this far.

Side note: have you ever tried Certain Dri? Works better than prescription strength antiperspirants. I've had a sweating problem too and this was the only thing that gave me back my confidence to wear any tops I wanted.

amother

Thu, May 08 2014, 2:53 pm

I enjoyed reading this. I felt bad for all you had to go through. I am glad Tznius gave you confidence.
I remember seeing something somewhere recently about a woman with the same sweating issue which was somehow helped by quick outpatient laser surgery on her sweat glands. Just something to look into maybe.

And BTW, tzniyus is great. Most of us (especially after kids) have something to hide! embarrassed

brocha1

Thu, May 08 2014, 3:28 pm

hi well written if u live in israel u can buy a cream for fifty shekals from the chemist its really once a week use but for heavy sweating is used everyday it really works

amother

Thu, May 08 2014, 3:41 pm

amother wrote:

Is there a roll on deodorant that you arent allergic to? ask your rav but I use them on shabbos.

I never tried this but can you make your own deodorant using baking soda? even if it doesnt work as well it may be better than nothing. recipe here. http://imamother.com/forum/vie.....art=0

robynm

Thu, May 08 2014, 3:45 pm

Thank you for being so open and raw!

You sound like a fabulous woman!

amother

Thu, May 08 2014, 3:48 pm

I'm so sorry for what you went through Sad

Did you ever try going to an endocrinologist? Maybe there is a hormonal imbalance they could help you fix? Also their are a lot of groupons for laser.

Blue jay

Thu, May 08 2014, 4:07 pm

Thank you for sharing your story. Im inspired and moved. Yes Tsnius, helps us see ourselves with dignity, I agree totally.
I grew up non religious, and even then I wore long shirts and pants in the summer to cover parts of me that I felt were nobody elses business.
OP, we all have flaws and you have given us all a spiritual lift!

Dolly1

Thu, May 08 2014, 4:17 pm

Wow!!! Ur a real inspiration! Thanks for sharing!!!!!

MaBelleVie

Thu, May 08 2014, 4:20 pm

Thanks for posting, op! Nice to see a positive spin.

Earlier today I glance at the woman in front of me on the escalator and was greeted with the sight of her pubic hair poking out of her shorts. One less thing for us to worry about Tongue Out

November

Thu, May 08 2014, 4:20 pm

brocha1 wrote:

hi well written if u live in israel u can buy a cream for fifty shekals from the chemist its really once a week use but for heavy sweating is used everyday it really works

Can you please give more info on this chemist and cream? Thanks

FranticFrummie

Thu, May 08 2014, 5:33 pm

Thank you OP for your beautiful story. Hug

As a person recovering from an eating disorder and body image problems, I appreciate tzniut SO much! I no longer obsess with every little thing that might not be "model perfect", and can walk with my head up, shoulders back, and true dignity. I love the way I feel, comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life.

amother

Thu, May 08 2014, 6:19 pm

MaBelleVie wrote:

I dont want to hijack this beautiful thread so lets not into a discussion on this topic but this story is proof that not all secular people shave, wax, laser, etc. down there Smile

GreenEyes26

Thu, May 08 2014, 6:25 pm

I second Certi-dri. Saved my life when I was younger, I used to have a crazy sweating problem. I thankfully grew out of it but I saw an ad for Certi-Dri years ago in the back of like some teen magazine and it's amazing!!

Volunteer

Thu, May 08 2014, 6:31 pm

This is a touching article. Thank you for being brave enough to share it!

MaBelleVie

Thu, May 08 2014, 7:35 pm

amother wrote:

I dont want to hijack this beautiful thread so lets not into a discussion on this topic but this story is proof that not all secular people shave, wax, laser, etc. down there Smile

Yes, that's exactly what I learned from my experience LOL

(Who said she was secular?)