What to tell dh? | Imamother

hoboken

Sat, May 31 2014, 10:36 pm

Dh is a bt, and doesn't share my cynical view of the world and of rabbis in particular, so I don't know how to make him feel better about our shul rabbis who only acknowledge the big donors. We give plenty to the shul, but we're not the ones sponsoring everything and dropping thousands at their dinner and other functions. He sees the rabbis all cozy with the big donors and it makes him feel bad. I tried explaining that it's because of the donors that these rabbis put food on their tables, but he thinks the rabbis should be less partial and make every member of the community feel good. In theory, he's right. But I grew up frum and that is not the way here, at least in my community. The rabbis need to fundraise to support themselves, so they'll become besties with rich people and aren't interested in him.
What can I say to make him feel better about himself and the frum lifestyle that he chose and does not want to be jaded about??

amother

Sun, Jun 01 2014, 3:10 am

I agree with your husband!

When I became religious, I lived in a community that was the opposite of what you describe. The rav was warm and open to everyone. There were several very rich families who gave extremely generously to the shul but they were not treated any more favourably than single people like me who could barely afford to give anything.

I now live in a community which is the opposite to that. The rav here never acknowledges me. Since I came here, I was always in shul on Shabbat, always the first woman to arrive, the only woman to go every Friday night, so the rav saw me around plenty. They I got pregnant and was very sick and didn't some to shul for the whole pregnancy. I was shocked that the rav did not enquire as to where I was or offer to arrange someone to blow shofar or read megillah (which would have for sure happened at my old shul.) Two months after my baby was born, I was in shul for a chag and the rav saw me sitting on a chair outside the shul. He did not say Mazal Tov or make any comment, even though he looked directly at me.

At Pesach this year, the shul was very empty because many people went away to a hotel (mainly the richer ones of course) but there were a couple of rich familes who stayed and three of the women and I were standing in the lobby after the service. The Rav walked past and said "chag sameach" to all three of them by name and not to me!

I am completely turned off by religion now. It is already hard being from a family that is not religious and now that I am home with my baby and can't get to shul except on Yom tov, I have no connection to the community at all and even when I do go, my presence is not acknowledged. I actually wish I had never become frum.

Iymnok

Sun, Jun 01 2014, 3:15 am

amother wrote:

That is so not cool.
He needs to be told off.
Then again, how do you think he keeps his position? Confused

imasinger

Sun, Jun 01 2014, 3:30 am

Being frum has nothing to do with the issue at hand. I worked in non frum synagogues before becoming BT, and I saw plenty of this kind of thing.

Rabbis are human, and can make mistakes, both big and small.

I think it might make sense for you and your DH to schedule a meeting and tell him (gently and respectfully) how you are feeling. Ask if there is anything you did that caused him to snub you, or if he just was unaware he was doing it. Give him a chance to change.

But maybe also look around for other alternatives. Some people are just not cut out to be warm and fuzzy.

amother

Sun, Jun 01 2014, 5:23 am

imasinger wrote:

Being frum has nothing to do with the issue at hand.

No, but being frum is difficult, and being part of a community has more than compensated for that in the past for me. Also, having rav who I feel cares about me (as well as everyone else in the community of course) has been helpful in the past when I have not had frum family around.

The rav keeps his position because the two most favoured families (which are both extremely wealthy) are also the largest and when votes are taken on anything, it is basically those two families who decide everything.

I am sure his attitude is nothing personal against me, I don't think I'm the only one he behaves like this towards but almost everyone here has family around so maybe they don't need support from him as much. Nevertheless, I know that many families have received Shabbat invitations from him while we never have.

Anyway, my intention was not to hijack this thread, I just wanted the OP to know that IMO, her husband is right to be annoyed/ upset about this.

piece

Sun, Jun 01 2014, 6:02 am

unfortunately there are people out there that kiss up to the rich. these rich people do support the Rabbi or whomever it may be.
I agree that not all Rabbis are the same. some are definitely more warm & more open to being warm to both genders. it might be a good idea to look for another shul with a different kind of Rabbi that your husband likes.
I have witnessed a couple which one was a BT & lived in a very religious area & it was a complete turn off for the spouse that was the BT & isn't frum anymore today & have divorced. it's very sad.

amother

Mon, Jun 02 2014, 12:02 pm

Unless you live in a place where there MANY super-wealthy families, what the rabbi is doing isn't even wise from a fundraising perspective. As a fundraising professional, I can tell you that the majority of donations for the vast majority of organizations come from small to medium sized donors - many of whom push themselves to give that extra $25 or $250 because of a personal connection to the organization (whether it's a Rav, teachers at a school, a school principal, etc) so, yes, it's worth it to go the extra mile and learn your congregants names (if that can even be considered 'extra'). Unfortunately, few organizations actually see this, which is why so many go under once one or two big donors pull out.

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Jun 02 2014, 1:37 pm

The word rabbi means "my teacher".

Find somebody who fits that description.

We didn't become BT to turn to the rabbi, whoever he may be this week, but to turn to G-d.

If the community isn't for you, make your own, even while continuing to live in the same place.

Start a stiebel.

Maybe in your home or business. Do you have a conference room? A closet that locks?

Don't be mean, just perhaps be somewhere else. Find a Rav, perhaps among the young, newishly married, men, with at least one child. Pay him to come and lead the davening. He will need to live nearby. Think about it. Look around.

Is there a hotline for abused congregants to call? "You don't have to stay in that relationship, honey".

You aren't married to any particular congregation. It's your husband you are one flesh with.

ElTam

Mon, Jun 02 2014, 2:41 pm

I have to echo what others have said here. Not all rabbaim are like that. We are not big donors by any stretch, but I do not feel like we are treated as second-class citizens AT ALL. (As an aside, before we became frum, we belonged to a synagogue where money could buy you anything. Your kid married out? If you gave enough money, you got a big mazal tov in the monthly newsletter. Etc.)