Shabbos guest dilemma

zaq

Fri, May 09 2014, 2:41 am

OP, you are a saint. Or a doormat. Martyrdom suits some people; maybe it suits you. But if you're content being a martyr, you have no right to gripe. OTOH, if you prefer survival to martyrdom, quit being a doormat. You may disagree, but everything you have said about your sil fits the profile of a spoiled brat. Lock up the craisins and the cashews. Quit "splitting" meals. Either you're a guest or you're a host, period. You don't bring her anything and she doesn't bring you anything, and if she can't eat the things you plan to serve, she's welcome to bring her own special foods. period. She needs a break? That's what takeout is for. You want to socialize? get together after the meal. AND LOCK YOUR KITCHEN CABINETS.

I know you love her. But she's rude, selfish, spoiled and a user. JMHO of course.

kjb

Fri, May 09 2014, 5:07 am

Why not tell her the truth - what's wrong with it? "Dear SIL, I'm a bit embarrassed to say this because I'm in awe of your balabusta skills, but I'm finding this pregnancy really exhausting. Plus I'm working crazy hours to stack up maternity leave. The only reason the house is clean is because DH cleans it! You know how much I LOVE your company over shabbos, but the truth is all I can really realistically manage at the moment is a crock pot meal [or whatever]. But if you'd bring the main and a salad, perhaps we can aim for something better". Who could object to that?

amother

Fri, May 09 2014, 5:17 am

Time for a little DLKZ, methinks.

OP has my every sympathy. However, I have some for her SIL also. If SILs inlaws are thrilled that she is comfortable enough to go through their cabinets, how can she know that OP isnt? Also, OPs brother sounds like a real prize - maybe SIL is operating under HIS instructions and expectations? OP is very fair about SILs niceness, and how upset she would be if she knew how OP feels...SIL does not, IMHO, sound like a spoiled brat! She isn't a mindreader....

abound

Fri, May 09 2014, 5:48 am

It seems you got into a sort of dynamic that you are not happy with. It is not SIL fault and not yours. Your SIL sounds like the type that gets really comfortable around you and it makes for good family relationships, there can be downsides to that, and now you are feeling the downside. I am sure your SIL is not RUDE, horrible, selfish or any other name that she was called on this side, but she is also not a mind-reader, She cannot figure out that you want things to change somewhat. You can either sit down and have a discussion with her, but I would not make a big deal, I would slowly go about changing the dynamic.
You wanted a quiet Shabbos this week, she did not know, She did not con you. You could say, Oh I am in the mood of a quiet week. I am too exhausted to cook. I would love if you come but I am so exhausted lets split the meals. She saids she is too tired to do it, then you have a choice either say then I guess we are each having our own separate quiet meals, (can be said with a smile and a laugh) Or you can have her over and cook some chicken and potatoes, jarred gefilta fish, and that is it.
She comes to your house and wants to eat some expensive dried fruit or nuts, say, oh you can have one or 2 but I need them for a recipe I am planning on making, or DH likes these and I am not planning on shopping for another week.
Basically, speak your mind. She sounds like a nice person but is comfortable and upfront. You are not used to doing that and do not say what you mean, so you need to change that (because you can only change yourself not her) and if you do it in a nice way, she won't feel bad. She is also upfront so she is comfortable with that.
You can keep not telling her what you feel, but your resentment will build up and one day your relationship will be irreparably damaged and she will not know what hit her.

This week, it is late to disinvite her, so Just make a SIMPLE Shabbos and tell her early in the day that you are not making salmon so if she wants it she should bring it along.

Good Luck!

Raisin

Fri, May 09 2014, 7:01 am

Surely, if she is too tired to make shabbos, she understands that you get tired too?

I think you have to practice being more assertive in a nice way.

Sure chani, you can come over if you don't mind sharing our one course shabbos meal since I am too tired to cook much. I don't mind throwing in a extra two pieces of chicken for you guys though. You are welcome to bring fish if you want though.

I'd love to bring some food for the meal. I'll bring a potato kugel. I'm too busy this week to do much else.

zaq

Fri, May 09 2014, 5:50 pm

Now you know why you're not supposed to invite yourself to people's houses. You put people on the spot, and for those who find it difficult to say no, it's most unpleasant.

Sorry, but I stand by calling the sil rude. When you go thru someone's cabinets and polish off their goodies--maybe you'll leave your hostess ONE cashew out of a full container?--that's not heimish, that's just. plain. rude. To say nothing of piggish.

amother

Fri, May 09 2014, 6:28 pm

OP here. Just want to reiterate how lovely she is and how she is totally clueless how others may view what she does. I'm family so why would she ask for something? It's not the way I am (or anyone else I know per se) but she is wonderful. I know she sounds pretty horrid from the story but those are the facts viewed my from super overwhelmed perspective. (and again, while she does ask me to bring a lot she makes a lot more too...we have very different standards...she just doesn't reciprocate the favor when she comes to me)

Anyway, story has a happy ending!! I texted her last night to see if we can rain check (we had only discussed it two hours prior) and she texted back today that that's fine (I was scared she wouldn't see the text or wouldn't respond right away so I'd have to prepare for her anyway but she responded bright and early). We plan on meeting up tomorrow afternoon instead and I can rest my poor weary swollen feet!

Chana Miriam S

Fri, May 09 2014, 8:11 pm

Personally, I like the idea of pot luck being 'luck. Everyone makes enough to feed their own family and then you share. If everyone covers their own family or own plus if there are non contributing guests then there is enough, everyone makes what they like and it works. You might get two salads and no dessert but who cares? Our whole community does that here because it's nice to get together but not have to be ready for 'guests'. The one exception is soup because obviously how many do you need?

DrMom

Sat, May 10 2014, 2:26 pm

amother wrote:

It's easy to have a "standard" of making tons of food if you are in the habit of demanding that your guests do a big chunk of the cooking for you. If she can't cook a zillion dishes, she has no right to expect her guests to work their tushies off so she can uphold some arbitrary "standard" she set for herself. Let her lower her lofty "standards" and cook her own meals.

And while it's great that you found a way to get out of cooking a zillion dishes for her *this* shabbat, that's a one-time reprieve. You still need to address the issue with her so she understands that you are not her personal chef.