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Forum -> Judaism -> Halachic Questions and Discussions
Forgiveness



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amother


 

Post Tue, Jun 10 2014, 4:44 am
Someone did something very, very bad to me. I have been getting free therapy for it from the kupat cholim and also she took me to the rabbi for something else and I told him what she did and he told her to apologize which she did right there. I told her I would solach la but the truth is I am still very hurt and I don't trust this person anymore and I am still a bit angry I think. I feel like she just apologized because the rabbi said to, not that she cares how she hurt me. The rabbi told me that I will hurt myself if I hold things in my heart and I know he is right and I am really trying to let it go but it was extremely traumatic. Am I sinning because does this mean I haven't in fact forgiven this person? And how can I truly forgive this person? Also part of me is saying that because before this she did something else bad but less bad and I did truly forgive her and then she did this very very bad thing that if I do truly forgive her then she will hurt me worse next time. What can I do? And I can't just not have a relationship with her because I am related to her. Thank you in advance.
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 10 2014, 4:58 am
Wow, you are really hard on yourself.

You got hurt by this woman, twice, and you're expecting to just forgive her? Sorry, but it's not so simple. Forgiveness is something you work toward. It does NOT come automatically. You have to get through the pain of what was done to you. Eventually, one day, you'll be ready to forgive, and then you wont have these questions about forgiveness.

As far as trusting her, you bet you should not trust her. She's hurt you. She's untrustworthy. Even if you eventually forgive her, you don't have to forget what she's capable of doing, and you should forever protect yourself from her.

When and if she ever makes tshuva is up to her. But that does NOT mean that you ever have to put yourself at her mercy again. Protect yourself. Stay clear of her.

You are not bad for not forgiving her. Forgiveness is like one of the last things on the list of getting over trauma. When you get through the anger and all the other upsetting aspects of what happened, and when you have a plan to protect yourself from future victimization by her, then maybe you'll be more ready to forgive.

Meanwhile, just as she talked the talk of asking forgiveness, you can talk the talk of giving forgiveness, and it counts well enough halachically. The real forgiveness will be done in private, in your heart, in time.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jun 10 2014, 8:36 am
How will I know when I have truly forgiven her? And I have to put on a good face for the sake of the peace of the rest of the family. Does this make me a hypocrite?
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ElTam




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 10 2014, 11:42 am
I heard Rabbi Y.Y. Rubenstein speak on this topic. He said, if you want to forgive, but you can't forgive, you should daven that HaShem should treat it as if you had forgiven, even though you are not yet able to, and you pray that the person won't be punished on your behalf.

Repeating this prayer over time has helped me find forgiveness for people who have hurt me.
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5*Mom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 10 2014, 12:07 pm
What chani8 said. Forgiveness is a process. It takes time, sometimes years. A large part of the process, certainly when a trauma was involved, is acknowledging and accepting the extent of the damage--physical, emotional, measurable, immeasurable--caused by the offender. You can't move forward toward true forgiveness without this. So if you are anywhere on this road, you are involved in the process of forgiveness.

Also know that since she hasn't really asked sincerely for your forgiveness--which is a requirement for her, and she must do it up to 3 times--you are working toward forgiveness for your peace and benefit, not for hers; you owe her nothing.

And forgiveness most definitely does not mean that you leave yourself open to being hurt by her again. Knowing what you know, you have a halachic obligation to protect yourself to the extent that you can from being hurt by this person.
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 10 2014, 12:26 pm
I asked a rabbi about this when someone who had treated me terribly when I was a teenager called me more than two decades later to ask for forgiveness bcz they had been told to do so as a segula for good things to happen in their lives. My rabbi said true forgiveness entails the person who hurt you doing true teshuva which is incredibly difficult to do (according to the Rambam it's being in the exact same situation and behaving differently). He advised me to say I forgive bcz that's really all they wanted to hear anyway.
From what I understand, one does not have to forgive anyone for anything no matter what. Some things don't deserve to be forgiven.
And even if you do forgive DO NOT FORGET! Protect yourself emotionally from getting further hurt by this person .
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jun 11 2014, 4:28 pm
Thank you!!
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