I rarely get thank-you's for Bar Mitzvah or wedding gifts

ora_43

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 3:47 am

morah wrote:

ora, come on, you know I didn't mean that literally. Sure, I CAN make the time, but I'm less inclined to do so for someone who couldn't take a minute to drop me an email.

And my response was meant to apply to the non-literal meaning as well.

Relationships shouldn't be tit-for-tat. If you think the other person is a genuine ingrate who doesn't care about you or your feelings, that's one thing. But to hang it all on a single, increasingly antiquated formality seems absurd to me.

The answer to the question of "should I get this person a present" shouldn't be based on "well did they take the time to send a note last time?" it should be based on "do I care for them enough that I want them to have a present?" and "do I think they will enjoy and appreciate the present?"

ora_43

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 3:49 am

Raisin wrote:

I think it is so contrived - no one under the age of 50 communicates by post anymore.

I don't know anyone over age 50 who communicates by post, either. I'm in touch with all of my older friends and relatives via email and Facebook.

Raisin

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 4:30 am

ora_43 wrote:

I don't know anyone over age 50 who communicates by post, either. I'm in touch with all of my older friends and relatives via email and Facebook.

we often get cards from older people. rh cards, thank you cards for a meal, etc. But, yes, even those people are often on facebook.

amother

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 4:39 am

Guilty here, never sent thank you cards for my wedding, we got around at 6 months or so and I felt so bad sending them then.

Now years later I behaved immaturely, I should ve sent them even at 6 months.

I don't think pple are rude but I think pple can be either disorganized, immature etc

saw50st8

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 5:04 am

I think thank you cards are mostly a waste of time and money. I need cards, stamps and I write a some what canned thank you for your lovely present blah blah blah. Rarely are they truly personal. I prefer to say thank you in person, or email the person a picture of me using the item.

I did many of them from our wedding (not all), but probably so few from baby presents.

This irritates my sister to no end, so I told her to stop giving me presents if she was going to give me another obligation. That's not a gift. A person should give to give, not to receive.

notshanarishona

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 5:06 am

Honestly thank you cards are way overrated. The true friends are those who say "no need to send me a thnk you card"as they r handing the gift. Do u really think that a new mother/kallah has no better use of her time than to spend 10+ hours writing ty notes. What is wrong with an oral thank you ( often more personal than a card) ?

chavs

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 8:27 am

I find it absurd that ppl are that concerned about getting a ' thank you'. Since when did giving someone something become about you as opposed to the person who is receiving it?

A few years ago I gave an acquaintance a dress for her baby, I honestly don't recall if I got a thank you card, also don't care, but what was better than any card was seeing a picture on Facebook of her baby wearing the dress.

When I give something it's not about me but about giving something to someone else and I dont need them to say thank you for that.

zaq

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 10:13 pm

chavs wrote:

I find it absurd that ppl are that concerned about getting a ' thank you'. Since when did giving someone something become about you as opposed to the person who is receiving it?

.

1. In Yahdus we have something called Hakoras Hatov.

2. If someone sent you a gift and did not see you receive it and open it, a TY is also a way of letting them know you got it. Believe it or not, they are concerned that it may have been lost in the mail, misdelivered, or sent back to the store. In such cases, they may want to inform the store to re-send, have the service put a tracer on the package, or take some other action. If you don't want to write a note and pay postage, the very least you could do is pick up the phone and say thank you, or send an email to the same effect.

3. Believe it or not, people also want to know that you like the gift, considering that they took some time and effort to select something and send it. It is selfish not to let them know you like it. Even if you hate it. They didn't HAVE to send you a gift at all.

When did GETTING a gift become all about you?

tichellady

Fri, Jun 27 2014, 12:39 pm

[quote="zaq"]1. In Yahdus we have something called Hakoras Hatov.

Gratitude isn't unique to Judaism. I can't think of one religion or culture that doesn't value gratitude.

The question isn't whether or not a person who receives a gift should show gratitude- it's how they should show it. Writing a thank you note is considered one way, other people think a verbal thank you is fine (or even better than a written one). People are allowed to disagree. I write thank you notes to people who I know appreciate them (generally those people are my grandparents and their friends). With my parents or siblings or in-laws, I will call or email or thank them in person (or often a combination). With my husband, I just thank him in person. I don't think anyone would say it's rude for me not to write a thank you note to my husband when he buys me a gift.

After my wedding I wrote thank you notes to the hundreds of people who bought me gifts. I did it because it was expected of me but honestly I am not sure it was the most genuine way of showing gratitude.

Ruchel

Fri, Jun 27 2014, 12:43 pm

Some (Polynesian? Native american? escapes me) tribe needs to thank someone that they DREAMED gave a gift.

Judaism is not the only set of belief "believing" in thankfulness.

Of course Judaism is the right path but so are Noachide cultures for the non Jews Smile

dancingqueen

Fri, Jun 27 2014, 1:03 pm

Written thank you notes do feel somewhat outdated nowadays. I still write them since it is still considered correct etiquette and I am grateful for the gifts. I do think it's harder to write thank yous for baby gifts than wedding presents but I still do them.