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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
Need desperate help for my gifted daughter
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 19 2014, 11:37 pm
call your local board of ed and ask for an educational eval. It will be free, and some districts are quite good.
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groovy1224




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 20 2014, 12:25 am
Sounds to me like aspergers..Has she been evaluated for that? Children with aspergers very often have trouble picking up on normal social rules (like why it's inappropriate to call a new friend 15 times) and do not feel sympathy the way most people do, even if theoretically they understand the emotion (you wrote that she's not so nice all the time, and speaks harshly)
Does she have any narrow interests? That is another classic aspergers trait. I'm not a expert on it, but if this maybe sounds like your dd, I'm sure you can do some research on it and see if it sounds like what's going on with her.
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MaBelleVie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 20 2014, 12:28 am
marina wrote:
call your local board of ed and ask for an educational eval. It will be free, and some districts are quite good.


I don't think an educational eval is the best route in this case.
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 20 2014, 12:38 am
There is a book called "Asperberger's And Girl" by Tony Attwood. Asperger's can be different in girls from boys. So the book is worth a read. I suppose you could order it on Alibris dot com.
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 20 2014, 12:43 am
MaBelleVie wrote:
I don't think an educational eval is the best route in this case.


An educational eval includes social-emotional assessments and often a pragmatic language one. It also usually delineates what services the child would benefit from. That's a good place for OP to start.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 20 2014, 1:10 am
I would not go throwing conditions around at this point. Social/emotional problems can have many causes besides Asperger's and there is no point in saying what it "sounds like" to you from an internet post. You don't get "evaluated for" something; a good evaluation looks at the whole child and selects diagnoses as appropriate, you don't start with the conclusion.

You could luck out with a DOE evaluation but you will likely end up with a frustrating waste of time. I have found them pretty superficial (which is usually fine; but this sounds like a harder case). At best you could get counseling services, which would probably be a good thing but not enough. Also, your child probably needs a very smart therapist in order to relate to her.
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5*Mom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 20 2014, 1:34 am
seeker wrote:
I would not go throwing conditions around at this point. Social/emotional problems can have many causes besides Asperger's and there is no point in saying what it "sounds like" to you from an internet post. You don't get "evaluated for" something; a good evaluation looks at the whole child and selects diagnoses as appropriate, you don't start with the conclusion.

You could luck out with a DOE evaluation but you will likely end up with a frustrating waste of time. I have found them pretty superficial (which is usually fine; but this sounds like a harder case). At best you could get counseling services, which would probably be a good thing but not enough.


THIS.
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 20 2014, 2:43 pm
Marina has a point. There is no point ignoring something free that might be of use. If it's of no use, nothing lost.

Position it very casually as a counseling thing about her future as she is getting to be a big girl and people always go for educational advice. You did too, when you were her age.

It should not have the flavor of a test that needs to be passed. It should have the flavor of a little thing that is normal, and may help her family make educational plans for her. Or not.

Say very clearly "we DON'T have to do what they say. It's JUST suggestions. But is the usual thing and we are going."

Say you will be interested to hear HER opinion of THEIR ideas afterward. As she is so smart.
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 20 2014, 2:50 pm
I think having a lot of drawing materials around, paper and colored pencils or pens or markers, would be good for her manual dexterity and self-expression and self-understanding.

All that can be easily ordered online at Staples, or Utrecht Art Supplies, or Jerry's Artorama sebsites. All very good.

LARGE sheets of paper, pads, as well as some pads small enough to carry in a pocket or draw on in bed.
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myym




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 22 2014, 12:04 am
OP here. Thank you again everyone for taking the time to reply. In terms of NVLD I looked it up and though she has some of those symptoms the way to deal with it is to act calm in the face of the childs outburst. Great advice. Been there. Done that. Someone else said aspergers which I thought of to but although her description on paper sounds like it, once you meet her that diagnosis really doesn't fit. We did have her evaluated for that. Also someone said a board of ed eval which we also tried but were denied the eval because she doesn't have academic issues. I wanted to share another incident that just happended to give you all a clearer picture. My daughter wanted to give her friend a letter the last day of school, but forgot so I saw it on the table at home. She was thanking the girl for defending her, and then she wrote "We should speak on the phone at least once a day for a half hour. I feel this is very important." Those of you that have been following the thread know how I mentioned she smothers her friends..What's even more concerning to me is her desperation for a relationship, and her intensity! It totally alarms me. What do you think when you read what she wrote? If you know her personality, you would know she made that request with utmost seriousness. She takes everything seriously. Another point I wanted to add to this whole picture of her is that in general she is very emotionally needy. Despite that BH I give her loads of attention and affectionate love she always needs more. I speak to her every night before she goes to bed for a half hour when the other kids are sleeping and she still says I never give her attention...Any thoughts on her?
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MaBelleVie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 22 2014, 12:09 am
1. You need an accurate evaluation
2. Whatever the diagnosis turns out to be, she will need ongoing professional support. NVLD or any other social disorder involves teaching the child appropriate behaviors, not just being calm or whatever.

You really need professional guidance.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 30 2014, 6:18 am
OP, you are describing my 11yo daughter perfectly. It's hard, so very hard. I really do understand. I swear the next time she whines at me I'm going to stick a pacifier in her mouth! I love my kiddo to pieces, but she is on me 24/7, and I never get a break. DH is away for work a lot of the time, and she's an only child, so she expects me to be her primary playmate. She has one friend in the neighborhood who is almost 2 years younger than her, but much more mature.

The one thing that no one has mentioned yet, is Fragile X Syndrome. That is what my DD has. It has bits and pieces of Aspergers, Autism, and NVLD all mixed in, with a bunch of other sensory stuff. Very high verbal IQ, but extremely low in math and spatial reasoning. Fine motor control problems, terrible handwriting, but is a whiz at computers. Super sweet and loving, until she decides she's not in the mood to cooperate. Everything has to be NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW! No impulse control whatsoever.

She's had 3 years of help through her IEP, with both academic and social skills one on one during the school year. I've seen some mild improvement, but the overall pattern of deficits is still quite obvious.

The test for Fragile X is quite simple. They usually want to do a blood test, but I think there's also a cheek swab test for it now. It's worth getting done, and will help get you started on what you can change, and what you'll have to accept. Once you know where to pick and choose your battles, life will get easier.


Hug Hug Hug
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 30 2014, 6:55 am
In terms of her complaint of your not giving her enough, try this strategy.

Assume that she is not crazy.

Imagine if you had a craving for a particular kind of ice cream. You said out loud, "I really wish I could have some ice cream."

You were given a popsicle. You couldn't exactly complain, because popsicles are good, but you still weren't satisfied. The next day, it was a Slurpie. The next day, ice cream, but not your flavor. Etc.

At the end of the week, you might be really frustrated, because you never got what you were craving. But the other person's response might be, "What are you talking about? You had ice cream every day last week!"

A highly recommended approach is to plan 15 minutes each evening where you offer her complete control of the agenda, and complete, undivided attention. (No electronics). Your job is to notice out loud and validate, and try not to offer opinion, approval, or disapproval. This is not when you try to teach about friendship or anything else. Minimal interruptions -- turn your cell phone off, don't let anyone disturb you. It's her time.

She chooses. You can play a game together. She can have you can watch and comment (like a sports commentator) on an activity she enjoys. You can talk together, but make sure it's all about Active Listening and validation of her emotions, leaving your thoughts about how she handled those emotions aside for a while. The tone of the time is not "you are good" or "you are bad" (approval means disapproval could happen, and that is to be avoided during this time), but "you are interesting", "your feelings are understandable", "you are fun to be with".

Howards Glasser's book, "Transforming the Difficult Child" gives more details.

If that helps satisfy the craving, you should see some changes in behavior after a few weeks of doing this daily, and you can follow up with other strategies as you continue this one.

Do keep on pushing for further evaluation. Checking for Fragile X is a good idea. Going to a top developmental pediatrician is, too. Excellent social skills groups and OT can help kids with many issues, so you can pursue those at the same time.

How did you handle the situation with the note?
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