Do I force her? | Imamother

amother

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 2:50 pm

My dd (3.5 yo) has a very hard time with new people. She goes to day camp and there is a neighbor that's wants to do carpool but she doesn't want to go because she doesn't know the neighbor well enough. It took her almost a year to go with a different neighbor even though the daughter went to the same playgroup.
I had a baby a few weeks ago and I don't know if I should force her to go with the neighbor she doesn't know. My dh thinks I have to force her but I'm scared she will act up. It's enough already that I have to sit with her at night till she falls asleep because she is scared I would leave!
Wwyd?

relish

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 4:59 pm

One method is to ask her what she's afraid of.
Let her talk.
Ask her questions like "are you afraid that something might happen?"
If she says yes, ask what. If she says no, ask something else...
Again let her talk. Part of getting over anxiety is the child expressing the fears. All of them.
Once she gets out all of her fears, she will feel better. But probably, not enough.

Step 2:

Ask her what would make her feel better. It could be anything, but it has to come from her. Something in her imagination...

Step 3:
Have her imagine the thing that would make her feel better, until she is calm.

Step 4:
Have her imagine being without you (in neighbors car, in her room, whatever), having this thing with her, until she is completely calm about it.

Step 5:
Have her be alone in her room with her imagining having the comforting thing with her. Do it for longer and longer periods of time. Start small though.

Step 6:
Build it up until she could go with neighbor without fear. Reward her for her efforts. I.e. Maybe start with a drive down the block, and have her see you through the window. Have her go with neighbor only one way...etc.

I got this method from mordechai weinbergers weekly radio show on 97.5 in Brooklyn. I never tried it. Don't know if I repeated it correctly. But I think you can apply the concept, and adjust when necessary.

Hatzlocha.

TwinsMommy

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 5:48 pm

I don't even understand how carpools work for children under booster seat age. Do all these neighbors really have extra car seats installed in their cars? Or do they spend 20 minutes a day reinstalling car seats? I hear about kids carpooling all the time and don't understand how it works.

My kids (7 year old twins) are short and still in car seats--- they'll switch to boosters soon, probably will be in boosters from 8 to 12 or so. at that point carpools will be simple--- send the kid with a booster seat. But carseats? That's not so simple.

But if you are going to do it, you could have her bring a special hand held toy-- she only gets to play with it at carpool time. And/or they could listen to a special cd in the car.

I don't think I'd force the issue at that age though.

MaBelleVie

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 5:55 pm

We carpool and each parent buys extra seats for their kids. On the weekends if people need to they remove the seats and reinstall them before Monday.

I would never ever force a child who has anxiety. Ever. What I would suggest, since it seems like this anxiety is coming to play in many areas and frustrating you, is getting professional help for your daughter. Anxiety is not something she will get over by being forced- if fact, that can make it worse.

If you think you can manage this on your own, you can read this book http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/.....dir=1

If you're too overwhelmed right now, do her a favor and let a therapist address it.

debsey

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 6:13 pm

relish wrote:

She's THREE AND A HALF! They don't have all that much language or ability to visualize at that point. If she was 10, sure. That's what I'd do too. BTW, dk if he attributed it, but this is standard EMDR "resource installation" and standard desensitization. Both of those are not for very young children, though.
debs

Motherlee

Wed, Jul 09 2014, 2:31 am

I definitely would not force her to stay anywhere she is uncomfortable, especially after the arrival a new baby which is stressful on the child as it is.

I worked with a 5 year old girl who became selectively mute after staying at her aunt's house for a week after the birth of her baby brother. It took many therapy sessions and plenty of hard work on her parents part to get over this hurdle.

Try and find a solution that will ease both your adjustments to the new baby. Also, you may want to talk to a professional regarding your daughter's anxiety to strangers (I.e. men).

SRS

Wed, Jul 09 2014, 3:15 am

Take this with a grain of salt if you must (I'm prepared for the attacks from other mothers), but your daughter is THREE AND A HALF. It is no wonder anxiety issues are showing up younger and younger as they are shuttled between multiple daycare situations and carpool situations (you mention camp which I presume is not her regular pre-school environment). On top of all of these changes there is a new baby.

I've yet to have a kid who just jumps right into the action. I know some children do naturally. I've seen those kids. My kids seem naturally at the other extreme. Just transitioning a child into an hour of daycare at the gym around 2 years old so I could get a small break and some exercise was a challenge. Not long ago, the sitting in the gym daycare room was about as much time as I was allotted until I got called back in for crying. Fortunately, now said child, like the older siblings did, jumps right in.

I think most kids naturally fall between two extremes. I most certainly would NOT force her to go. If you are home and cannot get her to this daycamp yourself, consider keeping her home with you. And perhaps you should talk to a professional about what the best daycare situation is. There are preschools that go year round. To me that is preferable between changing from this preschool to that one and in the summers from one camp to the next.

I know pre-schoolers that have gone to a different school for each year. I know pre-school campers that have gone to numerous camps. I think a lot of kids are not ready for the amount of shuffling that is asked of them. I'd really consider finding her one environment that is long term and dropping the carpool. Carpool is often a negative experience anyways. . . .just ask my elementary kids who had to put up with a bad carpooling situation that I didn't have strength to end because I put my schedule 1st that year.

relish

Wed, Jul 09 2014, 1:46 pm

debsey wrote:

Omg! Debsy, you are so right. I didn't take the age into consideration. I don't have a lot of time to post now. But applying these concepts to play therapy works for kids. Use figures. One represents her, the child chooses it. Another representing carpool/ fear, the child chooses it. What is figure afraid of? Which toy can make the figure feel better? Discuss it...
Child can take comfort figure with her to real fearful situation...
Sorry that not so clear right now.

SRS

Wed, Jul 09 2014, 1:56 pm

amother wrote:

Thank you for the replies!
She is mostly afraid of the fathers but I don't know why. If I ask her why she just says because and thats it.
We never left her alone by anyone except by our parents or siblings. Maybe that's why she is afraid?

Maybe she is not comfortable because that is her nature and because she is a 3 1/2 year old baby. Also, you mention that your husband thinks she should be forced, so if that carries over to other areas, she might not be too happy around other Dads.