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Forum -> Household Management -> Finances
Spinoff: furious at in-laws-when parents ARE obligated



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das




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 4:50 pm
In communities where children are raised so financial independence is exceedingly difficult

-No decent secular education
-No college
-No attempt at raising them so they CAN be financially indept-
-And then they're married off young, with no savings and little means for support (she's a teacher earning peanuts, he's in kollel and maybe has difficulty with English.)

Parents are obligated to help them through the situation they've created.
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self-actualization




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 4:54 pm
No, no, no. The gemara states that a father is obligated to: (1) teach his son Torah, (2) teach his son a trade, and (3) teach his son to swim. (They are all part of the same thing - to give him grounding in life so he shouldn't falter). If the father doesn't teach his son a trade, then he has failed his obligation to his son. [The gemara or a commentator states that a father must teach his son a trade, otherwise the son will steal from other people or entities.]
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kb




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 4:56 pm
I think you're overstating a situation you don't know much about. If parents set their children up for disaster, then yes, I suppose they should do what they can to help their kids out of the mess. But if you're not from that community I don't think you can judge.
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das




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 5:15 pm
kb wrote:
I think you're overstating a situation you don't know much about. If parents set their children up for disaster, then yes, I suppose they should do what they can to help their kids out of the mess. But if you're not from that community I don't think you can judge.


a. I know a lot about such situations.

b. I'm not judging, in fact, helping adult kids is the norm in many of these communities. My point is that having created this situation, they are obligated to help.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 5:41 pm
das wrote:
In communities where children are raised so financial independence is exceedingly difficult

-No decent secular education
-No college
-No attempt at raising them so they CAN be financially indept-
-And then they're married off young, with no savings and little means for support (she's a teacher earning peanuts, he's in kollel and maybe has difficulty with English.)

Parents are obligated to help them through the situation they've created.



It|s common in the cycles I live in. I married at 19, didnt have a degree of higher education( I do have a good high school degree), my husband moved here and didnt have work yet.
We did not get supported at all.
Had no savings.
We are fine. Bh my husband found work almost right away.
Most of my classmates were or are still being supported and I am happy we never were. It feels good.
If you want to know what we did before we found work? Payed rent from wedding presents.
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ectomorph




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 5:54 pm
I disagree with the OP. Parents don't owe their children anything once they're adults.

It's nice of them to help, but they paid tuition already, if they are frum, and that is enough.
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MaBelleVie




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 5:56 pm
I'm not sure that shirking your responsibility when your children are minors automatically obligates you to help them once they're adults.
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Maya




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 6:08 pm
MaBelleVie wrote:
I'm not sure that shirking your responsibility when your children are minors automatically obligates you to help them once they're adults.

I'm agreeing with the OP because in these communities, parents are NOT shirking responsibility. They are doing it because of what they perceive as religious reasons. If you are forcing this "religious" lifestyle upon your kids, it's only fair that you help them see it through to the end.

When we were first married, my FIL put intense pressure on my husband to sit in kollel for at least a year. He was helping to pay some of the rent, I was pregnant and then had a newborn and was running to Manhattan every day to work for pennies. We maxxed out our credit cards. My in-laws wanted a kollel son with none of the responsibility of supporting that lifestyle. It's not fair to the young couple. If you insist that your son/SIL doesnt work, you gotta help him. If you're not willing to help him, don't force it upon him.
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amother


 

Post Fri, Jul 11 2014, 11:20 am
I grew up in boropark, live in bp.
I have kh lots of siblings.
my parents both work.
only one brother is still in kollel.
we all struggled the first year.
some of us are still lstruggling.
my parents never gave us any support. besides for a check one chanukah when my father got a bonus.
I do not resent this.
I appreciate that my parents brought me up to be independant.
I babysat to have cash in my pocket... got married broke.

dh is also from bp, his parents also dont have any money, he worked bein hazmanim for extra cash,
he worked in the summer.

we got married, I didnt have a job till a couple of weeks after our wedding. but we managed and we still got to put money away some $$ from our wedding gifts.

and I have plenty of friends who also didnt have college educations and who also made it work without parental support
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