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When to say no without feeling guilty



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amother


 

Post Wed, Jul 16 2014, 5:05 am
This is the story.

Dd has a little friend. Her parents seem to not be able to cope with the demands of having kids. Mother works full time(although self employed), father part time and he does most of the "duties".
She is the little girl whose parents are always late to pick her up, a bit scruffy looking etc. I think they are very loving and caring parents and I don't think she is cv"s neglected, but things don't always go smoothly.

Here s where I come in. I'll often get a text saying "can you pick up x from school" , or "can x come to your house today after school" etc.
Sometimes don't mind, most times I resent it.

Yesterday I got a text saying "can you bring x home, from camp or to you if she wants."

Happens to be I was in a carpool so I couldn't pick her up, but I find the request inappropriate.

After a long day at camp(or school) my dd doesn't always want a play date, she likes her space, as do I.

This girl, as cute as she is, is not always easy to have over. But I am always being asked. Once in a while they will reciprocate and have dd over, but its few and far between.

I often say no, I once said yes, when I should have said no and my dd fell asleep while x was still at her.

Yesterday I felt so guilty for saying no, they obviously need help and support. DH says I shouldn't feel guilty. Interested to hear your take on the situation. Is there a lack of boundaries? Am I being selfish?
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 16 2014, 6:10 am
No, you are NOT being selfish! It's healthy to know when you are being stretched too thin.

Are you close to the mother? Maybe you two could sit down with a cup of coffee and do some brainstorming together, to figure out ways that this woman can set up a more efficient coping system. Show her you care by helping her and empowering her to take charge of her household. There are more ways to help someone besides just picking up their slack. Helping someone become more efficient and competent is a HUGE mitzvah, and far outweighs the occasional carpool or play date (I.e. unpaid babysitting.)
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 16 2014, 6:24 am
"So sorry, I won't be able to take her/pick her up etc. today." Repeat as needed. Eventually, her parents will get the hint. There are organizations for neglected children. You do not have to feel guilty for putting your children's needs AND your needs first.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jul 16 2014, 7:37 am
in this type of situation sometimes I make a "rule" for myself that rather than feel guilty and think about whether I can do it and my answer should be yes or no then in advance I give myself permission to decide the answer is going to be "no" regardless of what it is, at least for a while, and refuse to let myself think about it just reply automatically "no" so that I don't go through the guilt etc and tell myself the goal is that I am burned out and have to protect myself and recharge and that is the message being communicated to them.

hope this helps, may sound unusual, but this is what works for me in this type of thankfully rare but stressful situations
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jul 16 2014, 7:50 am
it helps me stay relaxed and calm as otherwise I feel bombarded and get stressed as I decide whether I should say yes or no to the request
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jul 16 2014, 8:00 am
amother wrote:
This is the story.

Dd has a little friend. Her parents seem to not be able to cope with the demands of having kids. Mother works full time(although self employed), father part time and he does most of the "duties".
She is the little girl whose parents are always late to pick her up, a bit scruffy looking etc. I think they are very loving and caring parents and I don't think she is cv"s neglected, but things don't always go smoothly.

Here s where I come in. I'll often get a text saying "can you pick up x from school" , or "can x come to your house today after school" etc.
Sometimes don't mind, most times I resent it.

Yesterday I got a text saying "can you bring x home, from camp or to you if she wants."

Happens to be I was in a carpool so I couldn't pick her up, but I find the request inappropriate.

After a long day at camp(or school) my dd doesn't always want a play date, she likes her space, as do I.

This girl, as cute as she is, is not always easy to have over. But I am always being asked. Once in a while they will reciprocate and have dd over, but its few and far between.

I often say no, I once said yes, when I should have said no and my dd fell asleep while x was still at her.

Yesterday I felt so guilty for saying no, they obviously need help and support. DH says I shouldn't feel guilty. Interested to hear your take on the situation. Is there a lack of boundaries? Am I being selfish?


Similar situation here but parent sends their kid to us (we live right next door). I started being tougher - when she asks for snacks and I don't want to give my kids snacks I say no..too close to dinner not giving snacks to my kids ect.. When she keeps saying she's hungry I just say you can go home for a snack bc I'm not giving any right now.. Or I'll offer fruit. It would end up nuts of I gave her, all my kids want, ruins their appetite ect. Sometimes I'll give her some dinner if my kids are ready for if, sometimes send her home.. I did turn her away once recently and felt bad worried I hurt her feelings (my daughter had a play date already and we felt it was too much) but when she came back the next say to play again, I realized she was ok.. Yup it's hard, but it's also a mitzvah if/when you do it. I would do it sometimes but not afraid to say no if it's affecting you and your family.
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Motherlee




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 16 2014, 8:17 am
Sounds like you are being taken advantage of.

You can say no with a completely clear conscious. This behavior is inappropriate.

You say that the little girl is not neglected so feel free to just say no.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jul 16 2014, 8:38 am
Is this little girl in the same camp as yours? Perhaps the mom just figured if you are picking up your child anyway. I am a SAHM and I end up doing more than my share of driving the kids. Personally I don't mind in this situation, but if you mind than just say you can't do it.

As far as the scruffiness, that could just be that she doesn't have the same values as you. I wouldn't read any more into it. My kids have always leave the house looking gorgeous, but some people don't value that. Perhaps they prize independence. My sister used to let her daughter go out of the house looking let's just say less than perfect. She was trying to give my niece a sense of her own identity. I thought my niece looked like a kook.
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little_mage




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 16 2014, 8:48 am
I'll second what other posters are saying, that you don't need to feel guilty. However, can you maybe pick one day a week where you pick up/ have this girl over? Then it's a specific time, so it'll be easier to say no at other times.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 16 2014, 10:03 am
That poor kid. I think little_mage is onto something important. These parents are always asking last minute. One gets the impression that they haven't thought in advance about where their DD is going to be after school/camp, and how she will get there.

IMO, that is neglect, but if you want to try to do something first without involving CPS, that's fine. Ask the parents for coffee, and tell them you would like to help when you can, but since you have a schedule, you get very uncomfortable when you are asked at the last minute. Offer what you can comfortably do -- one or two days of pickup (say, Monday and Wednesday), and a playdate every other week, either at a set tme, or arranged with 48 hours notice, so that if the timing won't work for you, they have time to figure out something else. Maybe they can agree on times to take your DD, too? Tell them that school and camp directors can often help them find nearby folks to call about carpools on the days you are not available.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 16 2014, 11:00 am
I was in a similar situation years ago - different but similar. Was a family in the neighborhood where both parents worked. They had two kids, in primary and 1st grade, that came home at around 3:15 on the same bus as my DD. They had older kids that came home around 4:30. So they told the 5 and 6 year old to go to neighbors until their older sister came home.


Basically, those kids would show up at my house on an almost daily basis (there was one other neighbor involved, who also had a kid that age). Initially I didn't mind - they were sweet kids and played nicely - but after I while I started to resent it. I work full time (from home) and when I'm done work I sometimes have shopping to do...I schedule appointments for around 4 p.m. when possible, after work or minimizing missing work time...and found myself really limited by two extra charges.

On top of that, the older sister wasn't really so interested in being the sitter, so she would ignore the phone and not pick up her siblings. Often I found myself with extra, unplanned dinner guests. Sometimes I found myself pushing off DD's bedtime because they still hadn't been picked up (the parents were laid back about that, too!)

Anyway - you get to the point where you realize that when others won't set boundaries, you have to. In your case, you will have to tell them that you'd love to have their DD over every so often as a playdate, but you need the night before advance notice (so you don't get calls on the fly). I told the neighbors that their kids cannot show up at my door. Anytime they want to arrange something they need to call in advance, so that I can see if it works for me.

In these situations, some of your resentment is likely coming from that last minute call. If you knew the night before you might not be so upset as you could plan according to your needs, not theirs (and of course, you can say no if it doesn't work for you). You will also work out in your head how often you are willing to host her - and you will say no the other times.

In my situation, the neighbors ended up having to rearrange their work schedules such that one parent was home when the kids came home...which I believe was in the kids' best interests, anyway. It's called being a parent.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jul 16 2014, 4:11 pm
Thank you all for the validation.
Obviously I try help out when I can and I really don't mind helping out. I do mind when there are no boundries, especially when they want play dates all.the.time. Just like ff said, its unpaid babysitting and makes me really resentful.

The parents are much older then me, so wouldn't feel comfortable speaking to them about it.
I do feel sorry for the little girl who always seems to be "farmed out" to someone else.

It is great to get all your opinions, so thank you.

Chayalle, your story is way worse, can't believe people have the nerve to take advantage like that.
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justforfun87




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 17 2014, 1:00 am
You are right, it is free babysitting and with two working parents they need to come up with a better plan. It is easier to give the advice then be the one to put foot down so I get that you are uncomfortable. I would probably say yes every few weeks and once they realize they can't depend on you anymore, they are going to be forced to find alternative consistent plans.
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