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Kicking Guest Out For Mikvah Night
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amother


 

Post Mon, Jul 21 2014, 8:33 pm
Single male friend staying with us for indeterminate amount of time (at least a week, but could be longer). I don't mind his company; he's a good friend and great guest, but I do not want him in the apt for mikvah night, which falls during the week he is supposed to be here. The guest has other places he could stay so we don't have to feel bad about kicking him out for a night. The question is what to say.

I want to give a plausible lie, like that my sister is sleeping over so he can't stay that night. (not that realistic, but plausible enough that this guest is unlikely to investigate or really care enough for his suspicions to be roused.)

DH hates lying. He wants to saying something vague that isn't lying, like that we have plans and we prefer he not stay over. I feel like saying this totally gives it away that it's mikvah night and I really don't want the guest to know.

What would you say?
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agreer




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 21 2014, 10:24 pm
I would not say anything and just be quiet in my bedroom. Yowsers!

Why can't he be there exactly?

If you're afraid he will distract your dh from u, tell your dh in advance that u expect him to be there for u that night....again, in your bedroom....
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 22 2014, 12:50 am
The problem will pop up more than just on mikve night.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jul 22 2014, 2:16 am
so make it the truth -- you have to be comfortable -- invite your sister and then uninvite her

you both have to be comfortable
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 22 2014, 2:26 am
Are you planning on swinging from the chandeliers on mikva night? Why can't you run out for a quick errand, come home and lock your bedroom door? This one time try not to swing from the chandelier. When people have children they manage on mikva night without kicking their kids out of the house.
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rainbow dash




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 22 2014, 2:27 am
just say that you are welcome to stay for that week but this day is not good for us so you will have to find somewhere else for that night.

You dont always have to give a reason. But if he does ask just say that sorry but its not a good time.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jul 22 2014, 3:06 am
it's their business, if they want privacy they want privacy -- good for you op for prioritizing you and your husband and your marriage

and if you feel a need to specify a reason then figure one out and do so -- your comfort level comes first
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jul 22 2014, 3:17 am
amother wrote:
it's their business, if they want privacy they want privacy -- good for you op for prioritizing you and your husband and your marriage

and if you feel a need to specify a reason then figure one out and do so -- your comfort level comes first

I want to relike this! We feel similarly, and I believe that we are all entitled to our comfort level and "meshugasim".
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 22 2014, 6:36 am
just tell him that you already have arrangements for that night that will make his stay with you impossible. he's welcome the rest of the week.
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chocolate fondue




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 22 2014, 7:26 am
I can understand not wanting to have an adult guest around. Especially if you want to go to bed earlier than usual, or if you never go out in the evening, or don't usually put on makeup etc. Or if you just want to be able to hug each other when you get home without having to disappear into you bedroom.

OP, would it help if you kicked him out for two nights, so if he works anything out, he still wouldn't know which night, or even just to confuse him, so he's less likely to suspect anything?
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 22 2014, 7:32 am
mummiedearest wrote:
just tell him that you already have arrangements for that night that will make his stay with you impossible. he's welcome the rest of the week.


This. People get so carried away with paranoia about anyone suspecting their mikvah night.

It's the lady's job to be reasonably discreet. It's the rest of the world's job not to be nosy.

There are dozens of reasons why a certain night might not be good. Why tell a lie?
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Orchid




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 22 2014, 7:42 am
As a hostess and adult she can feel however she wants and give whatever vague or otherwise excuse she wants, but if her concern is the guest will figure it out, it seems pretty obvious to me that he would. Guest is welcome to stay for a week except for one night? Just sounds odd - and eventually he'll probably figure that it has to do with some marital thingie. If she doesn't care- fine. The question is, OP do you care that whatever your excuse is, he will likely figure it out?
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sushi galore




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 22 2014, 7:42 am
With my teen daughter around always asking Where I'm going.......I just tell her I'm running to the grocery..... my dh usually takes me...I do the preparations at home during day. At nite dh takes me....we go to grocery afterwards....at least she thinks we spent time there even if we just buy 2 things..... you can do the same.....As far as niting early..? Give yourselves a deadline by which time you want to be in bed. I just hope his room is not near yours so he doesn't eavesdrop..... Shame on you Not listening
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sushi galore




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 22 2014, 7:46 am
imasinger wrote:
This. People get so carried away with paranoia about anyone suspecting their mikvah night.

It's the lady's job to be reasonably discreet. It's the rest of the world's job not to be nosy.

There are dozens of reasons why a certain night might not be good. Why tell a lie?


You are soooo right..! We tend to think everyone knows when we're going....sometimes making excuses will build awareness in others. Best is to keep as low as possible and play it out simple. I always found excuses make people think.
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Chana Miriam S




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 22 2014, 7:50 am
So you only have relations on mikvah night? I am not sure if I understand why you are having a guest at all when you feel so intensely about not having relations with a guest in the house. You can't have each other for weeks and then you will have each other only once? Just tell the guest that you realize that you really can't have him for the whole two week period.
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pause




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 22 2014, 8:10 am
Ladies, I think you misunderstood OP. I am not the op, but I don't think her issue is to have a guest there while she's being intimate. The issue is specifically with mikva night which is a special night for the couple. If I was in the op's shoes, my issue would be like someone else mentioned, being able to act intimate even not in the bedroom, for example, a hug as soon as she walks in, maybe a quiet dinner to spend just with her dh. Mikva night is not only about s-x. It's about renewing the relationship. I would not want someone else around if I have the choice. (Grown kids are not an option to kick out LOL )
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Orchid




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 22 2014, 9:17 am
pause wrote:
Ladies, I think you misunderstood OP. I am not the op, but I don't think her issue is to have a guest there while she's being intimate. The issue is specifically with mikva night which is a special night for the couple. If I was in the op's shoes, my issue would be like someone else mentioned, being able to act intimate even not in the bedroom, for example, a hug as soon as she walks in, maybe a quiet dinner to spend just with her dh. Mikva night is not only about s-x. It's about renewing the relationship. I would not want someone else around if I have the choice. (Grown kids are not an option to kick out LOL )


Yes, but to what end would you be willing to get rid of the guest? To the extent he knows what you're up to? I think no one wants the guest given the choice in a vacuum, but if it involves the guest figuring it out, they would probably rather have him there then have him figure it out.
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causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 22 2014, 9:21 am
I think its awkward. I wouldn't say anything and just deal with it. its a one time thing
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jul 22 2014, 11:36 am
How bizarre. Just for the sake of one greeting hug (which is not a mitzva and I doubt you're otherwise denied a hug in privacy of your bedroom) apologets here are talking about you're going to forfeit a mitzva of achnosas orchim. There are other cases when there are more than a guest home and it's your mikva night. Disturbances from the outside make the whole thing more beautiful.
I'd call off my words if it's your first mikva night in shona rishona.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 22 2014, 11:44 am
OP, for what reason do you not want this guest in your home? Do you not have kids? Ether way, when you come back from the mikvah, excuse yourself and your husband for a bit to be able to hug, kiss, whatever. And then when you go to bed you can be intimate with your husband.
Its not actually as big a deal as you may think.
And if you are usually loud, well, then just dont be as loud. Thats all.

I think having your guest leave for one night is a bit weird and maybe a bit over the top. But thats just my opinion.
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