Sensitivty/feelings vs. truth/facts

mdoif

Tue, Jul 29 2014, 7:58 pm

I happen to have stumbled across a clip of Bill Maher[/url] where he bemoans the 'feminization of America'.

While I don't agree with most of what he says, there is one line that I did think is quite true: [we are living in a world where unfortunately] Sensitivity is more important than truth; feelings are more important than facts.

This got me thinking, should one sacrifice the truth for feelings and sensitivity?

I know I often come across as tactless and harsh, and that is due to my general outlook in life to avoid veering from the truth merely because it is unpalatable. However I know many people think differently and I often get flak for speaking my mind.

In many situations the truth is really unnecessary, for example when complimenting someone on their delicious cake - who cares if it isn't? Or telling someone they look like they've lost weight - who cares if it's not true?

However what about if you end up giving someone bad advice, or even just refrain from giving good advice, in order to avoid offending them - is it not defeating the purpose? Yes they might feel better in the short term, but aren't you harming them in the long term?

I'd like to hear your opinions on this.

debsey

Tue, Jul 29 2014, 8:10 pm

I agree with sequoia. You START with relationship. Remember Pirkey Avos "Al tadin es chavercha, ad shemageah l'mikomo" First, you have to try to see the world through the other person's eyes. Then connect. Then discuss your perspective, in a sensitive and non-harsh manner.
Also, even if the other person veers from what you consider "emes," the PERSON is not bad. You might feel their OPINION is incorrect.
And although I sometimes agree with you, in terms of having some of the same hashkafos when it comes to things like respect for mesorah, you have to know that "shivim panim L'Torah." There's more than one truth, and that's all part of the Truth.

mdoif

Tue, Jul 29 2014, 8:22 pm

But what you're both saying is that one should be both sensitive and truthful. In an ideal situation and a perfect world we'd all be like that, however my question is which is more important when you actually have to choose.

What if you know someone is about to do something very destructive to themselves and you don't have the time to build a relationship; is it preferable to warn them in the strongest, non-PC terms possible in the hope this will shock them enough to really think it over again, or is it better to sugarcoat your words and tell them what they're about to do is 'not recommended', thus avoiding offense?

The problem with the first approach is the other person might be totally turned off and completely ignore your opinion; the problem with the second approach is they might not realize the severity of the course of action they're about to undertake.

debsey

Tue, Jul 29 2014, 8:26 pm

Isn't this dealt with extensively in hilchos tochacha? I remember being taught that if you're pretty sure your tochacha won't be taken, don't give it.
"ko somar l'bais yaakov, v'sagid l'bnei yisroel" Hashem told Moshe to tell the Torah over in "soft" terms to ladies. It's Hashem and Moshe - and it's definitely TRUTH (it's Toras Moshe MiSinai, literally) yet Moshe was told to soften his language.
To me (being very clear that this is MY opinion, based on years of BY and learning and my own life experience) it seems that Truth cannot be taught without considering the perspective of the listener.

Scrabble123

Tue, Jul 29 2014, 8:32 pm

mdoif wrote:

I do not believe that sensitivity is more than truth and that feelings are more than facts. I also have been criticized, but I have worked extensively on my nature because 99% of the population feel differently and often my obsession with the truth (Not always saying the truth, but seeking it) can be damaging in relationships. When you deal with people sensitivity is sometimes more important, but I have still not developed that understanding and ability to express the proper sensitivity. I believe that there is a sensitive way to do the honest thing: the truth, and that is a skill I am working on everyday.

The Happy Wife

Tue, Jul 29 2014, 8:40 pm

I'm with Debsey. Better to hold back rebuke if someone might not take it. That means going with neither of your approaches. Sometimes you just need to say nothing, even though you worry about the other person's actions. And when you're deal with strangers on the internet, you really have no way of knowing how people will take your words.

There is also prohibition against onas devarim. People may take offense to your words, and not everything that is true needs to be said.