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Inviting people but not pulling thru with invitation



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amother


 

Post Wed, Jul 30 2014, 9:32 pm
This happened to us more then once and for the first time ever my husband was bothered by this behavior. Over the year we would get invitations to join our friends for shabbos in their summer home. So far not one invitation pulled thru. These friends would invite us and get a yom tov or shabbos meal from us over the year and then tell us how they want us to spend shabbos by them. If they don't have intentions of inviting I am fine with it but why bother mentioning it if you don't attend to invite. Once a guy came to my husband and said lets split night meals on yom tov. My husband called to confirm and the couple came to us for the meal and never was there was a mention we were supposed to go them for the other meal on yom tov. Just looking for input on this and how to deal with this in the future.
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Lady Godiva




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 30 2014, 9:46 pm
When your husband called to confirm the meal, he should have confirmed you joining them for the second meal. Maybe they're forgetful, or disorganized. Or maybe they think you prefer to host.
If you really want to go to them for a meal, confirm with them that they're still on and that you're coming. Don't wait for them to invite again. (I'm assuming you're comfortable around them.)
If they've had many meals at your place, you could confirm invites with them without them inviting a second time.
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 31 2014, 3:38 pm
Confirm the back to back yom tov meals at the same time. What time should I be there tonight? We sit down at 8 tomorrow.

The summer meals sound more like vague plans rather than actual invites. I get asked to be hosted at my house. Rather than say a firm no, I will say if it works out I will will happy to host. I have no intention of hosting, nor do I want to be rude.

It sounds like you are counting on an invite to a summer home in exchange for a Shabbos meal.

My other advice would be to wait until you are actually invited to reciprocate if you want to keep an even chesbon.
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 31 2014, 3:57 pm
splitting y't meals should be confirmed at the same time. however, I'd confirm with the man's wife. couples don't always communicate about guest invites.

as for summer home invites, I'm sure they intend to have you. people don't always realize how few shabbosim there are in the summer, so they may overbook in their minds. if you really want to go, call them. I give out vague invitations all the time, with the request that the "invitee" let me know when s/he wants to come for a meal. I do this because my shabbos guest organization mode has abandoned me completely. I'm happy to have guests, but I rarely remember to invite anyone until 10 minutes before candle lighting (and I don't make early shabbos, so no hope of anyone coming). I would love it if more people felt comfortable enough to invite themselves over. I have even explained this to people, that I REALLY appreciate when people do, but few are willing to call and ask. the worst that can happen is that you'll be told this week is not a good time.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Jul 31 2014, 4:16 pm
I completely feel your pain. We host a lot, but don't get invited back often. I've come to the conclusion that I will need to rent or buy a summer home of my own, if I want the unique summer home experience. It's okay - most of life doesn't get handed out on a silver platter. You will feel much better when you can finally afford to pay for your own vacation ... (I'm sure I will have lots of friends at that point Smile)
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amother


 

Post Thu, Jul 31 2014, 6:22 pm
I feel like I invite more than I'm invited but that's with staying home. I do have a couple neighbors who tell me to let them know if I want to come and even ask why I didn't invite myself but I won't do that (I'm highly pregnant and they say they are happy to have me if I don't have energy to cook...I'd rather wait for solid invite).
We do have one friend who told us we have open invitation several times. We asked them if it was a good week twice (right after they mentioned it) and both weeks weren't (they apparently made TWO kiddushim for the same daughter) so we don't plan on asking again. We took the hint that they don't want us.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Aug 03 2014, 1:25 am
OP here
We never asked for an invitation for a weekend. They offered it to us. I would never invite myself for a weekend.
We have rented summer homes and bungalows in the past so we did pay for our vacations. I don't need their free weekend. I just feel that if you have no intention to host somebody keep your mouth shut.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 03 2014, 8:44 am
Its possible one spouse extended the invitation but then the other spouse didn't want to follow through. Maybe the husband invited you but its the wife who has to do all the cooking and cleaning for guests. Or the wife loves having friends to stay or eat but the husband just wants peace and quiet after a busy week.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Aug 03 2014, 9:06 am
When we were invited both husband and wife both invited and they were standing next to each other. And they even mentioned the invite several times over the year. We never even hinted for an invite.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Aug 03 2014, 9:26 am
My husband constantly tells people we'd love to have them soon for shabbos. I used to invite frequently but have slowed down for various reasons. Here are a few:

- We get invited out extremely rarely. Sorry, I can only put in so much effort for so long without ever getting a week off from cooking.

- I have a young toddler who wakes up early and tweens who goes to bed later. I have so little time to cook without taking care of the children first. It was easier when they were younger and everyone was in bed by 8.

- My husband, for various reasons, does not have time for errands nor does he cook nor is he around for any other bit of shabbos help. He fills the water pitcher though. Big help right? Wink

So we do invite maybe once a month or so but any more than that and it just makes me kind of angry. It's too much work and so rarely reciprocated.

I also live in an area with no kosher restaurants so I do plenty of cooking every other day of the week.

(my crankiness about shabbos guests does not extend to inviting family or special circumstances )
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causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 03 2014, 9:38 am
I think its rude to extend fake invites.

I am sure people mean well but only invite if you are serious.

I see people often at events and tell them I want to have them over for a shabbos meal. Unless I forget which is very rare, within a few weeks I actually call and invite them for a meal.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Aug 03 2014, 11:52 am
My husband constantly tells people we'd love to have them soon for shabbos. I used to invite frequently but have slowed down for various reasons. Here are a few:

- We get invited out extremely rarely. Sorry, I can only put in so much effort for so long without ever getting a week off from cooking.

- I have a young toddler who wakes up early and tweens who goes to bed later. I have so little time to cook without taking care of the children first. It was easier when they were younger and everyone was in bed by 8.

- My husband, for various reasons, does not have time for errands nor does he cook nor is he around for any other bit of shabbos help. He fills the water pitcher though. Big help right?

So we do invite maybe once a month or so but any more than that and it just makes me kind of angry. It's too much work and so rarely reciprocated.

I also live in an area with no kosher restaurants so I do plenty of cooking every other day of the week.

OP I hear your point ....I am a mother to with children and know what it feels like. When my husband invited people for entire weekends to the country who I had no clue who they are or their wives and kids were. And I fed them from Friday before shabbos to Sunday breakfast so my husband should not look like a fool for inviting without my permission or asking me. I was not even comftorable to ask them more if they have any allergies that I had to cook up a storm for them. And they never thought of inviting us back for a shabbos or yom tov meal or to drop off a $2.00 mishloach manos.
But if you read my post carefully it was the wife and husband inviting. And the invite was said more then once. What was the point of their invite
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Lady Godiva




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 03 2014, 12:07 pm
amother wrote:


OP I hear your point ....I am a mother to with children and know what it feels like. When my husband invited people for entire weekends to the country who I had no clue who they are or their wives and kids were. And I fed them from Friday before shabbos to Sunday breakfast so my husband should not look like a fool for inviting without my permission or asking me. I was not even comftorable to ask them more if they have any allergies that I had to cook up a storm for them. And they never thought of inviting us back for a shabbos or yom tov meal or to drop off a $2.00 mishloach manos.
But if you read my post carefully it was the wife and husband inviting. And the invite was said more then once. What was the point of their invite


I don't understand what the problem is. You're saying you were invited more than once. It's not like you're inviting yourself without a prior invite. Apparently they're waiting for you to pick up the phone and let them know that you'd like to come. Did you try doing that?
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amother


 

Post Sun, Aug 03 2014, 2:45 pm
Btw my husband did call and we were disinvited.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Aug 04 2014, 1:01 pm
We've had a similar experience as well. We have guests often, and rarely get invites. The ones that bother me the most are the people who tell me "we really want to have you" but never actually invite me. And I know they have plenty of other guests. We have also slowed down on having guests somewhat because I'm just too tired these days. I try now to do playdates in the afternoon so I don't have to put as much work in and I still get to see people.
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